Showing posts with label webseries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label webseries. Show all posts
2025-09-18
Professor Pyramids explains the setup of the pieces
Check out lesson 3 on rithmomachia by Professor Pyramid.
2025-07-11
Meet Professor Pyramid
In up-coming videos, Professor Pyramid
is going to explain something to you, like this:
That's the plan anyway!
That's the plan anyway!
2020-07-21
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 11)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 9.
*
A van pulls out of the DORH Junior High parking lot. Freeman drives the DORHq JH school van down a suburban Baltimore city street. Freeman and Lincoln, wearing an arm sling, are in the front seat, and several DORHq Junior High students, including Dylan, Athena and Lydia, are in the back.
“Looking forward to the tour, kids?” Freeman asks.
“Why do we only get to go in the lobby, Uncle Freeman?” Athena asks.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you. It’s a top secret facility. Don’t let on that we’re with DORHq,” Freeman says.
“What would happen if it slipped out?” Dylan asks.
“Western civilization as you know if would collapse. We’re the last line of defense against the communists, Pumpkin. Lincoln, I’m trying to drive. Can you help out a little here?”
Lincoln turns around and smiles at the kids. “Aren’t you kids excited to pretend to go on this tour?”
“Are we just pawns in my uncle’s hair-brained scheme to break into the SESI computer network?” Athena asks.
“In that case, I’m not even gonna pretend,” Dylan says.
They park, get out of the van, and enter the SESI headquarters in the warehouse district. The back wall of the building’s lobby bears a steel SESI insignia. Thick glass windows look into the lobby. A row of unoccupied chairs near the window and a row of body scanners in the back. The scanners are manned by SESI guards, including Nimskii and Pimskii. There are two interior doors behind the SESI Guards, both closed.
Eyo and Grekov stand in front of Dylan, Lydia and Athena, who stare at them with a very bored look. Freeman and Lincoln stand off to the side.
“What’s behind that door?” Athena asks Grekov.
“Top secret,” Eyo says.
“Come on, just a hint,” Lydia asks.
“S.E.S.I. means secret evil spy incorporated. They don’t teach you in school what secret means?” Eyo asks the kids. She whispers to Grekov, “Brat-nik and stupid-nik.” Eyo and Grekov laugh.
“Let’s guess,” Dylan says.
“No guessing allowed,” Grekov says.
Lydia points to door 1. “I’m guessing that is where your top-secret super-computers are stored.”
“Pfft,” says Grekov. “What kind of stupid-niks are you?”
“Okay, so the server room isn’t behind that door. It’s behind that one.” Athena and Lydia point to door number 2.
Nimskii asks Pimskii, “Are the kids running an intel-gathering operation here?”
Lincoln says to Freeman, “I’ll text Tam.” Freeman nods. Lincoln types a text on his cell phone. Eyo overhears what Lincoln says to Freeman.
“That was wonderful! Tours over. Let’s go, kids. Thank your hosts,” Freeman says.
Pimskii and Nimskii frown at Eyo and Grekov. Eyo thwacks Grekov. “Now the brat-niks know! This is all your fault,” Eyo yells.
Grekov smiles. “I have a solution.”
“What are you thinking?” Eyo asks.
“Kidnap them all,” Grekov says.
Athena, Lydia, Dylan, Lincoln and Freeman sneak towards the door, but Pimskii and Nimskii block them.
*
Deep in the SESI headquarters building, in a basement bunker-like win- dowless conference room, lots of SESI guards and agents are at one end of a large table, including Mr Blue, Grekov and Eyo. Just outside are the rest of the SESI guards. The guards push Freeman, Lincoln, Dylan, Lydia and Athena to the other end of the table. Then they slam the large steel door to the room shut.
“I searched them and only found this. The boy there had it in his pocket,” Eyo says. Eyo holds up the world’s tiniest pistol.
“Ha, ha, ha!” Mr Blue laughs. “Give poor little boy back his toy.” Eyo tosses the tiny pistol to Dylan.
“SESI’s evil plans will never succeed,” Freeman says.
“I think we’re doing pretty good so far,” Mr Blue says.
“Who’ll stop us?” Grekov says.
“I will,” Dylan says, pointing the tiny pistol at the SESIs. “This is the most powerful handgun in the world,” Dylan says.
Mr Blue smiles. “That little thing?”
“I happen to be a small arms expert."
"True, he is," Freeman says.
"And, I will blast you all to kingdom come if you don’t let us go,” Dylan says.
“You actually sound serious,” Mr Blue says. The SESI guards outside the room look in.
*
Tam sits in her office on the computer. Joe and Joanna Mustardman knock on her doorframe.
“Come on in. I wanted to talk to you about the plans,” Tam says. The Mustardmans come in.
“Sometimes it helps the thought process to pace,” Tam suggests. Tam, Joe and Joanna are pacing back-and-forth, with Joe and Joanna in perfect sync.
“One question, Tam,” Joe asks.
“Shoot,” Tam says.
“What plan are we pacing about?”
“You need a detailed plan to get into the SESI Headquarters to rescue the kidnap victims. Your promotion depends on it. SESI’s heavily guarded. Let’s think this through,” Tam says. Joe and Joanna nod in sync.
“I knew that,” Joanna says to Joe, smacking him on the arm.
“Tam, you’re the newest one here at DORHq. Let me suggest a few things,” Joe says.
“Please do,” Tam says.
“Joanna, we need a detailed plan to get into the SESI Headquarters. Our promotion depends on it. SESI’s heavily guarded,” Joe says.
“I’m way ahead of you on that,” Joanna says.
“Oh, yeah? Well, I’m way ahead of you ... being way ahead of me,” Joe says.
“Okay Joe, what’s your great plan?” Joanna asks.
“No. You first,” Joe says.
“Here’s the plan. We get a fire engine --” Joanna says.
“That’s a big negatory. Haven’t you seen Mission Impossible? That fireman stunt’s such a trope. They’ll see through it a mile away,” Joe says. “Oh, brother. Okay, Mr Trope-head, tell me this great plan of yours,” Joanna says, crossing her arms.
“Calm down. Let’s keep an open mind,” Tam says.
“Yeah, open your mind to my ingenious idea,” Joe says.
“We’re waiting with bated breath,” Joanna says.
“We call in a fake poison gas leak and show up in hazmat suits. Pretty good, huh? I already rented the hazmat suits.”
Buzz! Tam’s cell-phone buzzes a text message. “Freeman might have escaped. I’m going to go try to find out more info
from Mrs Bosch,” Tam says.
“See you later, Tam. Good brainstorming session. Thanks,” Joe says. Tam runs out of her office.
“She’s the best,” Joanna says.
“Mmmm ... I’d say she’s closer to second best,” Joe says.
“Yes, I’m obviously better,” Joanna says.
“I was talking about me, you idiot,” Joe says.
Buzz! Joanna’s cellphone buzzes and she looks at it. “Hey, I just got an email that some of the child hostages escaped. You know what this means?” Joanna says.
“I’m going to to lose my deposit on the hazmat suits?”
“It means, we’d better hurry or we won’t be able to steal the credit for the rescue. Move your fat ass. Go, go, go!” Joanna yells.
*
Inside SESI headquarters, bored SESI guards see a Haz-Mat truck pull up and park. They see two workers dressed in bulky Haz-Mat outfits exit the Haz-Mat truck. Nimkiii pokes Pimskii awake. “This could be interesting,” Nimskii says.
Joanna Mustardman, Joe Mustardman walk/waddle across the parking lot towards the lobby in bulky Haz-Mat outfits. Joanna gets ahead. “Firemen have more comfortable outfits,” she says.
“This is much better, trust me,” Joe says.
The Mustardmans struggle to get through the front door. The SESI guards watch their struggles with amusement. Shouting through the gas mask, Joe says “Poison gas. You are all going to die. Evacuate now!”
“Yes, poison gas. Get out,” Joanna says, with less enthusiasm.
No one moves. Nimskii gets up from his chair. “I didn’t hear a word. Repeat, please.”
Joe and Joanna Mustardman repeat their muffled commands. Nimskii looks at Pimskii. “What did they say, fire?”
Joe takes his mask off and yells. “No, not fire, poison gas.” Joe puts his mask back on.
“Poison gas. Oh. I don’t know what the regs are in that case. I’d better call the operations department,” Nimskii says. Nimskii sits down and picks up a phone.
Joanna looks at Joe. “This is just great.”
Nimskii nods, hangs up the phone and starts to reach for his gun.
Joe says to Joanna, “This is awkward.”
Joanna says to Joe, “Time to bail.” Joanna points to a spot behind Nimskii. “Look out behind you, a meteor!” When Nimskii turns around. Joanna and Joe speed-walk/waddle to the exit.
The area in front of the SESI building is concrete-paved but some benches and shade trees decorate the space. Jupe, SARA, Tam, Gonzo and Freeman see Joe and Joanna exit the building. They wave at them to join them.
“Shall I categorize this operation under fun?” Sara asks.
“Whatever. Sara, shut up,” Jupe says.
“Jupe, what the hell did you train Sara to do?” Freeman asks.
“Sara must have a computer malfunction,” Jupe asks.
“I’m not malfunctioning,” SARA says.
“How do we know that?” Tam asks SARA.
“Yeah, Tam’s right. How do we know SARA’s not malfunctioning? If she was malfunctioning, would she admit she’s malfunctioning? Good point, Tam,” Jupe says.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
"Stop arguing. Listen up. SARA says the laptop is around here somewhere. Let's check out the warehouse across the street," Freeman says.
Tam, Jupe and Gonzo run off. Freeman gets on his cell-phone and follows them at a walk. SARA follows behind Freeman. Joe and Joanna try t keep up.
Tam runs up to the warehouse and bangs on the door. Gonzo yanks on the door-knob. It’s locked. “Can you pick the lock, Gonzo?” Jupe asks.
“I’ll try.”
“We’ll go search for an opening around the side.” Tam and Jupe run around the side of the building into an alley. There’s a large trash bin halfway down the alley but otherwise it’s empty. Tam points to an open window out of her reach. “Jupe, lift me up.” Jupe pushes and Tam pulls herself up and climbs through the open window. Jupe runs back to join Gonzo. The front door clicks open and Jupe and Gonzo enter and see Tam running towards the back of the room.
Tam stands over a rug in the back of the room and signals Jupe and Gonzo to be quiet. Tam pulls the rug aside, revealing a hatch door in the floor. “Help me with this.”
Jupe and Gonzo open hatch door below it and stare down into the dark. Tam and Jupe descend the metal stairs, followed by Gonzo. Catching up, Freeman, out of breath, climbs down the stairs, quietly. “What do we have here?” Freeman asks.
Crash! SARA falls down the stairs. Crash! Joe falls down the stairs. Crash! Joanna falls down the stairs.
Sara stands. “I’m okay. I’m fine. No malfunction.”
Tam looks into the room. “There’s the laptop.”
"I saw it first," Joe says.
"No, I did," Joana argues, pushing Joe.
They fight in their hazmat suits, knocking SARA over, which knocks over a table, which knocks over a lamp, which causes a fire, which spreads to the laptop.
"There was the laptop," Freeman says. Tam puts jer head in her hands and cries.
The end!
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 9.
A van pulls out of the DORH Junior High parking lot. Freeman drives the DORHq JH school van down a suburban Baltimore city street. Freeman and Lincoln, wearing an arm sling, are in the front seat, and several DORHq Junior High students, including Dylan, Athena and Lydia, are in the back.
“Looking forward to the tour, kids?” Freeman asks.
“Why do we only get to go in the lobby, Uncle Freeman?” Athena asks.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you. It’s a top secret facility. Don’t let on that we’re with DORHq,” Freeman says.
“What would happen if it slipped out?” Dylan asks.
“Western civilization as you know if would collapse. We’re the last line of defense against the communists, Pumpkin. Lincoln, I’m trying to drive. Can you help out a little here?”
Lincoln turns around and smiles at the kids. “Aren’t you kids excited to pretend to go on this tour?”
“Are we just pawns in my uncle’s hair-brained scheme to break into the SESI computer network?” Athena asks.
“In that case, I’m not even gonna pretend,” Dylan says.
They park, get out of the van, and enter the SESI headquarters in the warehouse district. The back wall of the building’s lobby bears a steel SESI insignia. Thick glass windows look into the lobby. A row of unoccupied chairs near the window and a row of body scanners in the back. The scanners are manned by SESI guards, including Nimskii and Pimskii. There are two interior doors behind the SESI Guards, both closed.
Eyo and Grekov stand in front of Dylan, Lydia and Athena, who stare at them with a very bored look. Freeman and Lincoln stand off to the side.
“What’s behind that door?” Athena asks Grekov.
“Top secret,” Eyo says.
“Come on, just a hint,” Lydia asks.
“S.E.S.I. means secret evil spy incorporated. They don’t teach you in school what secret means?” Eyo asks the kids. She whispers to Grekov, “Brat-nik and stupid-nik.” Eyo and Grekov laugh.
“Let’s guess,” Dylan says.
“No guessing allowed,” Grekov says.
Lydia points to door 1. “I’m guessing that is where your top-secret super-computers are stored.”
“Pfft,” says Grekov. “What kind of stupid-niks are you?”
“Okay, so the server room isn’t behind that door. It’s behind that one.” Athena and Lydia point to door number 2.
Nimskii asks Pimskii, “Are the kids running an intel-gathering operation here?”
Lincoln says to Freeman, “I’ll text Tam.” Freeman nods. Lincoln types a text on his cell phone. Eyo overhears what Lincoln says to Freeman.
“That was wonderful! Tours over. Let’s go, kids. Thank your hosts,” Freeman says.
Pimskii and Nimskii frown at Eyo and Grekov. Eyo thwacks Grekov. “Now the brat-niks know! This is all your fault,” Eyo yells.
Grekov smiles. “I have a solution.”
“What are you thinking?” Eyo asks.
“Kidnap them all,” Grekov says.
Athena, Lydia, Dylan, Lincoln and Freeman sneak towards the door, but Pimskii and Nimskii block them.
Deep in the SESI headquarters building, in a basement bunker-like win- dowless conference room, lots of SESI guards and agents are at one end of a large table, including Mr Blue, Grekov and Eyo. Just outside are the rest of the SESI guards. The guards push Freeman, Lincoln, Dylan, Lydia and Athena to the other end of the table. Then they slam the large steel door to the room shut.
“I searched them and only found this. The boy there had it in his pocket,” Eyo says. Eyo holds up the world’s tiniest pistol.
“Ha, ha, ha!” Mr Blue laughs. “Give poor little boy back his toy.” Eyo tosses the tiny pistol to Dylan.
“SESI’s evil plans will never succeed,” Freeman says.
“I think we’re doing pretty good so far,” Mr Blue says.
“Who’ll stop us?” Grekov says.
“I will,” Dylan says, pointing the tiny pistol at the SESIs. “This is the most powerful handgun in the world,” Dylan says.
Mr Blue smiles. “That little thing?”
“I happen to be a small arms expert."
"True, he is," Freeman says.
"And, I will blast you all to kingdom come if you don’t let us go,” Dylan says.
“You actually sound serious,” Mr Blue says. The SESI guards outside the room look in.
Tam sits in her office on the computer. Joe and Joanna Mustardman knock on her doorframe.
“Come on in. I wanted to talk to you about the plans,” Tam says. The Mustardmans come in.
“Sometimes it helps the thought process to pace,” Tam suggests. Tam, Joe and Joanna are pacing back-and-forth, with Joe and Joanna in perfect sync.
“One question, Tam,” Joe asks.
“Shoot,” Tam says.
“What plan are we pacing about?”
“You need a detailed plan to get into the SESI Headquarters to rescue the kidnap victims. Your promotion depends on it. SESI’s heavily guarded. Let’s think this through,” Tam says. Joe and Joanna nod in sync.
“I knew that,” Joanna says to Joe, smacking him on the arm.
“Tam, you’re the newest one here at DORHq. Let me suggest a few things,” Joe says.
“Please do,” Tam says.
“Joanna, we need a detailed plan to get into the SESI Headquarters. Our promotion depends on it. SESI’s heavily guarded,” Joe says.
“I’m way ahead of you on that,” Joanna says.
“Oh, yeah? Well, I’m way ahead of you ... being way ahead of me,” Joe says.
“Okay Joe, what’s your great plan?” Joanna asks.
“No. You first,” Joe says.
“Here’s the plan. We get a fire engine --” Joanna says.
“That’s a big negatory. Haven’t you seen Mission Impossible? That fireman stunt’s such a trope. They’ll see through it a mile away,” Joe says. “Oh, brother. Okay, Mr Trope-head, tell me this great plan of yours,” Joanna says, crossing her arms.
“Calm down. Let’s keep an open mind,” Tam says.
“Yeah, open your mind to my ingenious idea,” Joe says.
“We’re waiting with bated breath,” Joanna says.
“We call in a fake poison gas leak and show up in hazmat suits. Pretty good, huh? I already rented the hazmat suits.”
Buzz! Tam’s cell-phone buzzes a text message. “Freeman might have escaped. I’m going to go try to find out more info
from Mrs Bosch,” Tam says.
“See you later, Tam. Good brainstorming session. Thanks,” Joe says. Tam runs out of her office.
“She’s the best,” Joanna says.
“Mmmm ... I’d say she’s closer to second best,” Joe says.
“Yes, I’m obviously better,” Joanna says.
“I was talking about me, you idiot,” Joe says.
Buzz! Joanna’s cellphone buzzes and she looks at it. “Hey, I just got an email that some of the child hostages escaped. You know what this means?” Joanna says.
“I’m going to to lose my deposit on the hazmat suits?”
“It means, we’d better hurry or we won’t be able to steal the credit for the rescue. Move your fat ass. Go, go, go!” Joanna yells.
Inside SESI headquarters, bored SESI guards see a Haz-Mat truck pull up and park. They see two workers dressed in bulky Haz-Mat outfits exit the Haz-Mat truck. Nimkiii pokes Pimskii awake. “This could be interesting,” Nimskii says.
Joanna Mustardman, Joe Mustardman walk/waddle across the parking lot towards the lobby in bulky Haz-Mat outfits. Joanna gets ahead. “Firemen have more comfortable outfits,” she says.
“This is much better, trust me,” Joe says.
The Mustardmans struggle to get through the front door. The SESI guards watch their struggles with amusement. Shouting through the gas mask, Joe says “Poison gas. You are all going to die. Evacuate now!”
“Yes, poison gas. Get out,” Joanna says, with less enthusiasm.
No one moves. Nimskii gets up from his chair. “I didn’t hear a word. Repeat, please.”
Joe and Joanna Mustardman repeat their muffled commands. Nimskii looks at Pimskii. “What did they say, fire?”
Joe takes his mask off and yells. “No, not fire, poison gas.” Joe puts his mask back on.
“Poison gas. Oh. I don’t know what the regs are in that case. I’d better call the operations department,” Nimskii says. Nimskii sits down and picks up a phone.
Joanna looks at Joe. “This is just great.”
Nimskii nods, hangs up the phone and starts to reach for his gun.
Joe says to Joanna, “This is awkward.”
Joanna says to Joe, “Time to bail.” Joanna points to a spot behind Nimskii. “Look out behind you, a meteor!” When Nimskii turns around. Joanna and Joe speed-walk/waddle to the exit.
The area in front of the SESI building is concrete-paved but some benches and shade trees decorate the space. Jupe, SARA, Tam, Gonzo and Freeman see Joe and Joanna exit the building. They wave at them to join them.
“Shall I categorize this operation under fun?” Sara asks.
“Whatever. Sara, shut up,” Jupe says.
“Jupe, what the hell did you train Sara to do?” Freeman asks.
“Sara must have a computer malfunction,” Jupe asks.
“I’m not malfunctioning,” SARA says.
“How do we know that?” Tam asks SARA.
“Yeah, Tam’s right. How do we know SARA’s not malfunctioning? If she was malfunctioning, would she admit she’s malfunctioning? Good point, Tam,” Jupe says.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
"Stop arguing. Listen up. SARA says the laptop is around here somewhere. Let's check out the warehouse across the street," Freeman says.
Tam, Jupe and Gonzo run off. Freeman gets on his cell-phone and follows them at a walk. SARA follows behind Freeman. Joe and Joanna try t keep up.
Tam runs up to the warehouse and bangs on the door. Gonzo yanks on the door-knob. It’s locked. “Can you pick the lock, Gonzo?” Jupe asks.
“I’ll try.”
“We’ll go search for an opening around the side.” Tam and Jupe run around the side of the building into an alley. There’s a large trash bin halfway down the alley but otherwise it’s empty. Tam points to an open window out of her reach. “Jupe, lift me up.” Jupe pushes and Tam pulls herself up and climbs through the open window. Jupe runs back to join Gonzo. The front door clicks open and Jupe and Gonzo enter and see Tam running towards the back of the room.
Tam stands over a rug in the back of the room and signals Jupe and Gonzo to be quiet. Tam pulls the rug aside, revealing a hatch door in the floor. “Help me with this.”
Jupe and Gonzo open hatch door below it and stare down into the dark. Tam and Jupe descend the metal stairs, followed by Gonzo. Catching up, Freeman, out of breath, climbs down the stairs, quietly. “What do we have here?” Freeman asks.
Crash! SARA falls down the stairs. Crash! Joe falls down the stairs. Crash! Joanna falls down the stairs.
Sara stands. “I’m okay. I’m fine. No malfunction.”
Tam looks into the room. “There’s the laptop.”
"I saw it first," Joe says.
"No, I did," Joana argues, pushing Joe.
They fight in their hazmat suits, knocking SARA over, which knocks over a table, which knocks over a lamp, which causes a fire, which spreads to the laptop.
"There was the laptop," Freeman says. Tam puts jer head in her hands and cries.
2020-07-20
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 10)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 9.
*
In the exercise gym at DORHq, two very fit DORHq agents, Joe and Joanna Mustardman, are on elliptical machines. They are 30-something brother and sister and throughout their exercising, they stay in perfect sync.
“Joe, my promotion board meets today. If passed up a second time for promotion –”
“It’s up or out, Joanna, I know. Just relax, you’ll be fine. You’re brother’s watching out for you. Do you believe in free will?”
“What does that have to do with my promotion?”
“Free will has everything to do with it. Listen. If you want to speed up, you put your mind to it. Right?” Both of them speed up on the elliptical at the same time.
“Or, I can slow down if I will it so,” Joanna says. Both grab a hand-towel, wipe sweat off their forehead and then slow down
to exactly the same speed, all in perfect sync.
“Exactly. If you put your mind to this promotion, you’ll get it. It’s a matter of free will.”
“No, Joe. You’re confusing free will with will power.”
“That’s exactly the kind of negative attitude that won’t get you promoted.” Tam enters. Joe and Joanna Mustardman stop pedaling and greet Tam at exactly the same time. “Tam!”
“I have an assignment for you two,” Tam says.
“Cappuccino?” Joe asks.
“How about a mochaccino?” Joanna asks.
“No, I don’t want you to get me any coffee. I want you to help out with an actual spy assignment. Hit the showers. I’ll meet you in your office in half an hour.” Tam leaves.
In sync, Joe and Joanna Mustardman smile and do a fist pump.
After getting cleaned up, Joe and Joanna sit in their shared office, in their neatly arranged desks. They are playing Rock-Paper-Sissors but each time they pick exactly the same thing.
Tam enters. “Listen up. It’s called Operation Mr Blue. Agent Freeman Penn is running it as we speak.”
“Joanna, here’s what you do. You –”
“Stop, Joe. Who’s in charge here, you? No. Tam is. What should I do, Tam?”
“Listen Joanna, when we raid SESI Headquarters, you take the SESI Agent guards out of commission. Then, you’ll get the credit when the operation is a success,” Joe says.
“That actually might work,” Tam says.
“See, Joanna? You’re brother’s looking after you.”
“I’ll share the credit with you,” Joanna says.
“I’ll kill you if you don’t,” Joe says.
“You’re confusing will power with kill power,” Joanna says. They laugh, in perfect sync.
“Good luck, you two. Oh, and if you see a SESI laptop, steal it. Now, I’ve got my own operation to get to,” Tam says as she exits.
*
The conclusion (finally!) is here: part 11.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 9.
In the exercise gym at DORHq, two very fit DORHq agents, Joe and Joanna Mustardman, are on elliptical machines. They are 30-something brother and sister and throughout their exercising, they stay in perfect sync.
“Joe, my promotion board meets today. If passed up a second time for promotion –”
“It’s up or out, Joanna, I know. Just relax, you’ll be fine. You’re brother’s watching out for you. Do you believe in free will?”
“What does that have to do with my promotion?”
“Free will has everything to do with it. Listen. If you want to speed up, you put your mind to it. Right?” Both of them speed up on the elliptical at the same time.
“Or, I can slow down if I will it so,” Joanna says. Both grab a hand-towel, wipe sweat off their forehead and then slow down
to exactly the same speed, all in perfect sync.
“Exactly. If you put your mind to this promotion, you’ll get it. It’s a matter of free will.”
“No, Joe. You’re confusing free will with will power.”
“That’s exactly the kind of negative attitude that won’t get you promoted.” Tam enters. Joe and Joanna Mustardman stop pedaling and greet Tam at exactly the same time. “Tam!”
“I have an assignment for you two,” Tam says.
“Cappuccino?” Joe asks.
“How about a mochaccino?” Joanna asks.
“No, I don’t want you to get me any coffee. I want you to help out with an actual spy assignment. Hit the showers. I’ll meet you in your office in half an hour.” Tam leaves.
In sync, Joe and Joanna Mustardman smile and do a fist pump.
After getting cleaned up, Joe and Joanna sit in their shared office, in their neatly arranged desks. They are playing Rock-Paper-Sissors but each time they pick exactly the same thing.
Tam enters. “Listen up. It’s called Operation Mr Blue. Agent Freeman Penn is running it as we speak.”
“Joanna, here’s what you do. You –”
“Stop, Joe. Who’s in charge here, you? No. Tam is. What should I do, Tam?”
“Listen Joanna, when we raid SESI Headquarters, you take the SESI Agent guards out of commission. Then, you’ll get the credit when the operation is a success,” Joe says.
“That actually might work,” Tam says.
“See, Joanna? You’re brother’s looking after you.”
“I’ll share the credit with you,” Joanna says.
“I’ll kill you if you don’t,” Joe says.
“You’re confusing will power with kill power,” Joanna says. They laugh, in perfect sync.
“Good luck, you two. Oh, and if you see a SESI laptop, steal it. Now, I’ve got my own operation to get to,” Tam says as she exits.
The conclusion (finally!) is here: part 11.
2020-07-19
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 9)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 8.
*
That night, in Tam’s bedroom, Tam sits on Dmitrii, who’s tied down on her bed. Both are giggling and dressed in skimpy, sexy, spy-related bedroom outfits. Tam has a large feather which she teases Dmitrii with.
“I’ve got a top secret for you. It’s a hard target, under cover,” Dmitrii whispers.
Tam tickles Dmitrii and he squirms. “You’d better give that hard target to me, or else.”
“You’ll have to find it. I’ve been trained to resist your tickles.”
Tam applies the feather to Dmitrii’s armpits and he laughs and squirms. “I’ve got you now, DORHq double-agent Dmitrii.”
“Give me the best you’ve got!”
“I have a surprise for you.”
“Yeaah! I love surprises. Is Mattie hiding in the closet?” Dmitrii asks. Tam backs off. “Mattie? Gawd no. What the hell are you thinking? Are you in love with her?”
“No. I thought we were kidding around. Why? Aren’t you going out with Lincoln?” Dmitrii asks.
“I’ve never gone out with him. Not once.”
“It’s just you and me?”
“Just you and me, babe,” Tam says.
“Come here,” Dmitrii says in his sexy voice.
Tam resists. “No.”
“I just want to give you a tiny kiss,” Dmitrii begs. Tam lets him. As he kisses her more and more all over, she starts to moan. “You are so beautiful.”
“You’re a bad boy,” Tam says.
“I need to be punished.” She tickles Dmitrii and he squirms and laughs helplessly.
“I got your laptop back,” Tam says.
Dmitrii stops laughing. “What?”
“Seriously.”
“You are one hell of a very good girl. When can I have it back?” “Maybe tomorrow, assuming I’m satisfied. And I think you know what I mean.” Dmitrii smothers Tam in kisses and she dissolves in giggles.
*
Grekov drives behind a recent model DORHq van with Nimskii, in the passenger seat.
Nimskii’s dressed in a black nun’s habit-like outfit with a white collar. “I look silly in this disguise.”
“I won’t tell," Grekov says, hiding a snicker.
Outside the SESI headquarters, Tam sits on a bench. She’s wearing sunglasses and pretends to read a newspaper. She watches the SESI Agents entering and departing from the black concrete and glass building. She has a backpack, which she sets the laptop on the bench and opens it up. She whispers to herself. “I wonder if I can access the SESI wifi network from here. Password? What would Dmitrii use as a password?” Tam types ILoveYouTam. “It works! You are so sweet.”
About fifty feet away, Lan-Po and No-Wei peek around the corner of the SESI headquarters building. “That’s her. She’s got it,” No-Wei tells Lan-Po. Lan-Po is laser-focused. “I’ll get it,” Lan-Po says.
On her bench, Tam types on the laptop. “I’m in,” she says to herself.
Lan-Po and No-Wei sneak up on Tam. Lan-Po grabs the laptop from Tam and runs away with No-Wei close behind.
“Hey!” Tam yells.
Just then, coincidentally, Grekov and Nimskii drive past the SESI headquarters building. Nimskii sees Lan-Po and No-Wei take the laptop from Tam. “Do you see that?” he asks Grekov.
“What the hell?” Grekov pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a pair of binoculars and watches them approaching her van. Nimskii pulls a gun from his habit. “Should I kill them?” Nimskii asks.
“A gun is too risky. Get out and get it. Aren’t you glad you’re wearing a disguise?” Grekov asks.
Nimskii gets out and jogs up to the two thieves, knocks down No-Wei, pushes Lan-Po against a wall, punches him, grabs the laptop, and runs back to the van.
“That nun has a great right cross,” Lan-Po says, nursing a sore jaw.
Nimskii gets back in the van with the laptop. “That was easy.”
“Like taking candy from baby.” Grekov roars off.
*
This is continued here: part 10.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 8.
That night, in Tam’s bedroom, Tam sits on Dmitrii, who’s tied down on her bed. Both are giggling and dressed in skimpy, sexy, spy-related bedroom outfits. Tam has a large feather which she teases Dmitrii with.
“I’ve got a top secret for you. It’s a hard target, under cover,” Dmitrii whispers.
Tam tickles Dmitrii and he squirms. “You’d better give that hard target to me, or else.”
“You’ll have to find it. I’ve been trained to resist your tickles.”
Tam applies the feather to Dmitrii’s armpits and he laughs and squirms. “I’ve got you now, DORHq double-agent Dmitrii.”
“Give me the best you’ve got!”
“I have a surprise for you.”
“Yeaah! I love surprises. Is Mattie hiding in the closet?” Dmitrii asks. Tam backs off. “Mattie? Gawd no. What the hell are you thinking? Are you in love with her?”
“No. I thought we were kidding around. Why? Aren’t you going out with Lincoln?” Dmitrii asks.
“I’ve never gone out with him. Not once.”
“It’s just you and me?”
“Just you and me, babe,” Tam says.
“Come here,” Dmitrii says in his sexy voice.
Tam resists. “No.”
“I just want to give you a tiny kiss,” Dmitrii begs. Tam lets him. As he kisses her more and more all over, she starts to moan. “You are so beautiful.”
“You’re a bad boy,” Tam says.
“I need to be punished.” She tickles Dmitrii and he squirms and laughs helplessly.
“I got your laptop back,” Tam says.
Dmitrii stops laughing. “What?”
“Seriously.”
“You are one hell of a very good girl. When can I have it back?” “Maybe tomorrow, assuming I’m satisfied. And I think you know what I mean.” Dmitrii smothers Tam in kisses and she dissolves in giggles.
Grekov drives behind a recent model DORHq van with Nimskii, in the passenger seat.
Nimskii’s dressed in a black nun’s habit-like outfit with a white collar. “I look silly in this disguise.”
“I won’t tell," Grekov says, hiding a snicker.
Outside the SESI headquarters, Tam sits on a bench. She’s wearing sunglasses and pretends to read a newspaper. She watches the SESI Agents entering and departing from the black concrete and glass building. She has a backpack, which she sets the laptop on the bench and opens it up. She whispers to herself. “I wonder if I can access the SESI wifi network from here. Password? What would Dmitrii use as a password?” Tam types ILoveYouTam. “It works! You are so sweet.”
About fifty feet away, Lan-Po and No-Wei peek around the corner of the SESI headquarters building. “That’s her. She’s got it,” No-Wei tells Lan-Po. Lan-Po is laser-focused. “I’ll get it,” Lan-Po says.
On her bench, Tam types on the laptop. “I’m in,” she says to herself.
Lan-Po and No-Wei sneak up on Tam. Lan-Po grabs the laptop from Tam and runs away with No-Wei close behind.
“Hey!” Tam yells.
Just then, coincidentally, Grekov and Nimskii drive past the SESI headquarters building. Nimskii sees Lan-Po and No-Wei take the laptop from Tam. “Do you see that?” he asks Grekov.
“What the hell?” Grekov pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a pair of binoculars and watches them approaching her van. Nimskii pulls a gun from his habit. “Should I kill them?” Nimskii asks.
“A gun is too risky. Get out and get it. Aren’t you glad you’re wearing a disguise?” Grekov asks.
Nimskii gets out and jogs up to the two thieves, knocks down No-Wei, pushes Lan-Po against a wall, punches him, grabs the laptop, and runs back to the van.
“That nun has a great right cross,” Lan-Po says, nursing a sore jaw.
Nimskii gets back in the van with the laptop. “That was easy.”
“Like taking candy from baby.” Grekov roars off.
This is continued here: part 10.
2020-07-18
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 8)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 7.
*
Tam and Dmitrii sit at a small table near the window of the Last Drop Coffee Shop sharing a coffee and muffin.
“The good news is that I’ve found where my stolen laptop is stored. I had to promise Eyo a month of free cappuccino every morning.”
“I could have told you that. It’s at the CHUMPS headquarters. I’m tracking its GPS chip,” Tam says.
“Now you tell me? But never mind that. The point is I can’t get in there. It’s guarded like Fort Knox."
"Talk to you tomorrow. I have an idea," Tam says with a sly smile. She leaves thinking of Mattie, her identical twin sister.
In Mattie’s two-story house, the shag-carpeted hallway leads to a bedroom. Tip-toeing, Mattie eyes Tam quietly opening a drawer in her bedroom at the end of the hall. Mattie wears a red necklace, while Tam’s necklace is white. Mattie steps silently into the bedroom. It’s a messy bedroom, with dirty clothes and spy gear scattered around. Tam holds Mattie’s CHUMPS I.D. badge and a CHUMPS cap. She’s poking through a draw with a silencer-equipped pistol.
“I always love seeing my sister, especially when she’s got a P228.”
Tam, startled, turns and points the gun at Mattie. A box of tampons covers the barrel. Tam shakes it off and tampons fly all over.
“How did you get in?” Mattie asks.
“Your basement door’s open,” Tam says.
“That door wasn’t open.”
“It is now.”
“Who said you could borrow my I.D. badge and cap?”
With a sarcastic smirk, Tam waves her gun in Mattie’s face. “This does.”
“You won’t shoot.”
PFFT! A shot goes into the floor between Mattie's legs.
“Tam, you shot my floor!”
“It’s shag carpet. It’ll comb over.”
“It won’t comb over! I’m telling Dad.”
“Then I’ll tell him you’re working for the CHUMPS. Put on these handcuffs.” Tam tosses Mattie a pair of handcuffs.
“Is this because I borrowed your dress to the prom? That was years ago. Are you still mad about that?”
“Stay away from Dmitrii,” Tam says.
“Never heard of him.”
“You stole his laptop.”
Mattie starts to fluff her pillows. “You think you’re so smart.”
“While you were stealing my boyfriends, I was studying,” Tam says.
“That’s a lot of studying,” Mattie says.
*
Lan-Po enters a concrete and glass red building. In the lobby, Lan-Po looks at the large steel block letters spelling out “CHUMPS” and straightens his tie proudly. Lan-Po is beaming ear-to-ear as he enters No-Wei’s office. Lan-Po pulls a form out of his pocket and hands it to No-Wei.
“You correctly filled out all the forms, even if they are back-dated. Still I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you, sir. We make a great team.” Lan-Po smiles proudly.
No-Wei hands Lan-Po the stolen SESI laptop. “We’re not a team. Now take this laptop to the storage room.”
Lan-Po slumps out with the laptop. He takes it to the CHUMPS Tech Lab. As he leaves, he doesn’t notice Tam (disguised as Mattie), wearing a backpack, a white necklace and a red CHUMPS cap. She slip into the Lab unseen. Lan-Po goes to the men’s room down the hall.
The CHUMPS break room has a microwave, fridge, coffeemaker and tables and chairs. It’s a neat, economical space.
Tam as Mattie, leaves steps into the room, looks around, then surreptitiously peels rubber fingerprint skins off her fingers and throws them away. She has a backpack, partially unzipped.
Lan-Po appears behind her, holding a muffin. “Excuse me Agent Mattie. We met last week at the new agent orientation.”
“Ahh, yes of course. Last week.” Flustered, Tam as Mattie sets her backpack down at a nearby table. Inside, unseen by Lan-Po, is the SESI laptop. Tam as Mattie zips up the backpack.
“May I ask you a question?” Lan-Po asks.
“Of course you can. What can I do for you?” Tam as Mattie says. She sips a coffee.
“It’s a big request.”
“You’re a junior agent. I’m a senior agent. Whatever I can do to help you, I’m going to do. Name it.”
“Will you be my mentor?” Lan-Po pleads.
Tam as Mattie does a spit take and coughs. “Excuse me? I didn’t quite catch that.”
“Mentor. Will you please be my mentor? I was assigned Agent No-Wei –”
“Agent Hu?!”
“Not Hu, No-Wei.”
“Oh, Agent No-Wei! I thought you said Hu!”
“Who’s Agent Hu?”
“Never mind Hu. Are you insane? Agent No-Wei’s really your mentor? Do you think I want to mess with Agent No-Wei? Do you know what happened to the last person who crossed Agent No-Wei?”
“No, what?”
“Hu knows.” Tam as Mattie grabs her backpack and leaves.
“I had to ask,” Lan-Po says.
*
This is continued here: part 9.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 7.
Tam and Dmitrii sit at a small table near the window of the Last Drop Coffee Shop sharing a coffee and muffin.
“The good news is that I’ve found where my stolen laptop is stored. I had to promise Eyo a month of free cappuccino every morning.”
“I could have told you that. It’s at the CHUMPS headquarters. I’m tracking its GPS chip,” Tam says.
“Now you tell me? But never mind that. The point is I can’t get in there. It’s guarded like Fort Knox."
"Talk to you tomorrow. I have an idea," Tam says with a sly smile. She leaves thinking of Mattie, her identical twin sister.
In Mattie’s two-story house, the shag-carpeted hallway leads to a bedroom. Tip-toeing, Mattie eyes Tam quietly opening a drawer in her bedroom at the end of the hall. Mattie wears a red necklace, while Tam’s necklace is white. Mattie steps silently into the bedroom. It’s a messy bedroom, with dirty clothes and spy gear scattered around. Tam holds Mattie’s CHUMPS I.D. badge and a CHUMPS cap. She’s poking through a draw with a silencer-equipped pistol.
“I always love seeing my sister, especially when she’s got a P228.”
Tam, startled, turns and points the gun at Mattie. A box of tampons covers the barrel. Tam shakes it off and tampons fly all over.
“How did you get in?” Mattie asks.
“Your basement door’s open,” Tam says.
“That door wasn’t open.”
“It is now.”
“Who said you could borrow my I.D. badge and cap?”
With a sarcastic smirk, Tam waves her gun in Mattie’s face. “This does.”
“You won’t shoot.”
PFFT! A shot goes into the floor between Mattie's legs.
“Tam, you shot my floor!”
“It’s shag carpet. It’ll comb over.”
“It won’t comb over! I’m telling Dad.”
“Then I’ll tell him you’re working for the CHUMPS. Put on these handcuffs.” Tam tosses Mattie a pair of handcuffs.
“Is this because I borrowed your dress to the prom? That was years ago. Are you still mad about that?”
“Stay away from Dmitrii,” Tam says.
“Never heard of him.”
“You stole his laptop.”
Mattie starts to fluff her pillows. “You think you’re so smart.”
“While you were stealing my boyfriends, I was studying,” Tam says.
“That’s a lot of studying,” Mattie says.
Lan-Po enters a concrete and glass red building. In the lobby, Lan-Po looks at the large steel block letters spelling out “CHUMPS” and straightens his tie proudly. Lan-Po is beaming ear-to-ear as he enters No-Wei’s office. Lan-Po pulls a form out of his pocket and hands it to No-Wei.
“You correctly filled out all the forms, even if they are back-dated. Still I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you, sir. We make a great team.” Lan-Po smiles proudly.
No-Wei hands Lan-Po the stolen SESI laptop. “We’re not a team. Now take this laptop to the storage room.”
Lan-Po slumps out with the laptop. He takes it to the CHUMPS Tech Lab. As he leaves, he doesn’t notice Tam (disguised as Mattie), wearing a backpack, a white necklace and a red CHUMPS cap. She slip into the Lab unseen. Lan-Po goes to the men’s room down the hall.
The CHUMPS break room has a microwave, fridge, coffeemaker and tables and chairs. It’s a neat, economical space.
Tam as Mattie, leaves steps into the room, looks around, then surreptitiously peels rubber fingerprint skins off her fingers and throws them away. She has a backpack, partially unzipped.
Lan-Po appears behind her, holding a muffin. “Excuse me Agent Mattie. We met last week at the new agent orientation.”
“Ahh, yes of course. Last week.” Flustered, Tam as Mattie sets her backpack down at a nearby table. Inside, unseen by Lan-Po, is the SESI laptop. Tam as Mattie zips up the backpack.
“May I ask you a question?” Lan-Po asks.
“Of course you can. What can I do for you?” Tam as Mattie says. She sips a coffee.
“It’s a big request.”
“You’re a junior agent. I’m a senior agent. Whatever I can do to help you, I’m going to do. Name it.”
“Will you be my mentor?” Lan-Po pleads.
Tam as Mattie does a spit take and coughs. “Excuse me? I didn’t quite catch that.”
“Mentor. Will you please be my mentor? I was assigned Agent No-Wei –”
“Agent Hu?!”
“Not Hu, No-Wei.”
“Oh, Agent No-Wei! I thought you said Hu!”
“Who’s Agent Hu?”
“Never mind Hu. Are you insane? Agent No-Wei’s really your mentor? Do you think I want to mess with Agent No-Wei? Do you know what happened to the last person who crossed Agent No-Wei?”
“No, what?”
“Hu knows.” Tam as Mattie grabs her backpack and leaves.
“I had to ask,” Lan-Po says.
This is continued here: part 9.
2020-07-16
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 7)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 6.
*
In the co-ed DORHq locker room, several DORHQ agents, both male and female, change into or out of their DORHq jackets and caps. Lincoln and Gonzo, using neighboring lockers, put their bullet-proof vest on under their shirt.
“Nope, nothing,” Gonzo says as he puts on cologne.
“Gonzo, I don’t believe you. You’re meeting someone special. Who?” Gonzo shakes his head.
“Come on, tell me. Who’s the lucky girl?” Lincoln pleads.
“Okay, yes. Tam, at the pistol range.”
Lincoln’s jealous. “You are? Right now?”
“Sorry for lying but I knew you’d be jealous and I didn’t want to –”
“Me, jealous? Pfft. No. It’s just that she told me she’ll be there at one p.m., not at noon,” Lincoln says with an innocent look on his face.
“Oh, really? Thanks, man! I guess I got my times mixed up.”
“Hey, glad to help.”
Gonzo leaves.
“Very glad to help. Loser,” Lincoln says under his breath.
A long, low building in the warehouse district has a sign next to the entrance says
DORHQ pistol range
It’s only a few miles from the headquarters. A car pulls into the parking lot. Lincoln gets out of the car looking like The Terminator with his sunglasses, gold box of roses, and black leather jacket, opens the front door and enters. Lincoln looks around the lobby of the pistol range. The clock on the wall says noon. Lincoln heads to the front desk.
The clerk looks up. “Can I help you?”
“I’m supposed to meet Tam Taylor.” Lincoln looks to the gold box in his arms and smiles at the Clerk. “Red roses.”
The Clerk points to a doorway. “Go get her, Romeo.”
Lincoln gives the clerk a thumbs up as he disappears down a hallway. The shooting gallery is noisy - the guns yell blam, blam, blam as they shoot targets hung way down long range, A dozen booths in a row each house a shooter.
Tam, her dad Ray Taylor, and Jupe are crowded in her booth, each wearing ear muffs. “Are we almost done? What about that stolen laptop?” Tam asks.
“All interns have to do this training,” Jupe says.
“One more bull-eye Pumpkin and your pistol training lesson can be checked off,” Ray says.
“I feel like hunting for that laptop is a better use of our time,” Tam says.
“Agreed, but you won’t get promoted if you don’t do the mandatory training,” Jupe says.
“Hey Pumpkin, do you remember in Terminator 2 when the Terminator had that box of flowers hiding his double-barreled pump-action shotgun? Ch-Chk, Boom!”
“Yeah Dad, I remember.”
“If the new Terminator was so smart, why didn’t he make his arm into a bigger shotgun?”
“Ray, you don’t know anything. The Terminator can’t do that. He can only make himself into a sword,” Jupe says.
“That’s a big wrong-a-roni. Only the T1000 model could make a sword. Call me the Terminator nerd. I know the whole series,” Ray says.
As if in slow motion, Lincoln walks towards Tam with the gold box, Terminator-style. He taps on Tam’s shoulder. Tam turns, sees the box of roses, and jumps in horror. Lincoln, seeming like The Terminator, stands in front of her with flowers.
Ray and Jupe yell, “Tam! Aahhh, the Terminator! Shoot, Tam, shoot!” Tam holds her gun with both hands and aims at Lincoln’s chest.
Flowers fly to the ceiling. Lincoln screams. “Don’t shoot!” Lincoln back-peddles, trips over himself and falls on the floor. “Owww!” Lincoln holds his arm.
“Linc, what are you doing here?” Tam asks.
“That’s no Terminator, that’s Lincoln. You dumb-ass, scaring us like that,” Jupe snaps.
“Sorry, I only meant to surprise Tam,” Lincoln says, holding his arm.
“Mission accomplished,” Tam says.
“I gotta say, Tam, solid grip, good stance. Counts as a bulls-eye in my book,” Ray says.
“You should’ve shot him,” Jupe says.
With his good arm, Lincoln pulls a thorny rose out from under his leg, but it’s crushed. “For you, Tam.” Lincoln holds up the red crushed rose.
Tam tries to eek out a smile. "This is just great," she says with a touch of sarcasm.
*
This is continued here: part 8.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 6.
In the co-ed DORHq locker room, several DORHQ agents, both male and female, change into or out of their DORHq jackets and caps. Lincoln and Gonzo, using neighboring lockers, put their bullet-proof vest on under their shirt.
“Nope, nothing,” Gonzo says as he puts on cologne.
“Gonzo, I don’t believe you. You’re meeting someone special. Who?” Gonzo shakes his head.
“Come on, tell me. Who’s the lucky girl?” Lincoln pleads.
“Okay, yes. Tam, at the pistol range.”
Lincoln’s jealous. “You are? Right now?”
“Sorry for lying but I knew you’d be jealous and I didn’t want to –”
“Me, jealous? Pfft. No. It’s just that she told me she’ll be there at one p.m., not at noon,” Lincoln says with an innocent look on his face.
“Oh, really? Thanks, man! I guess I got my times mixed up.”
“Hey, glad to help.”
Gonzo leaves.
“Very glad to help. Loser,” Lincoln says under his breath.
A long, low building in the warehouse district has a sign next to the entrance says
It’s only a few miles from the headquarters. A car pulls into the parking lot. Lincoln gets out of the car looking like The Terminator with his sunglasses, gold box of roses, and black leather jacket, opens the front door and enters. Lincoln looks around the lobby of the pistol range. The clock on the wall says noon. Lincoln heads to the front desk.
The clerk looks up. “Can I help you?”
“I’m supposed to meet Tam Taylor.” Lincoln looks to the gold box in his arms and smiles at the Clerk. “Red roses.”
The Clerk points to a doorway. “Go get her, Romeo.”
Lincoln gives the clerk a thumbs up as he disappears down a hallway. The shooting gallery is noisy - the guns yell blam, blam, blam as they shoot targets hung way down long range, A dozen booths in a row each house a shooter.
Tam, her dad Ray Taylor, and Jupe are crowded in her booth, each wearing ear muffs. “Are we almost done? What about that stolen laptop?” Tam asks.
“All interns have to do this training,” Jupe says.
“One more bull-eye Pumpkin and your pistol training lesson can be checked off,” Ray says.
“I feel like hunting for that laptop is a better use of our time,” Tam says.
“Agreed, but you won’t get promoted if you don’t do the mandatory training,” Jupe says.
“Hey Pumpkin, do you remember in Terminator 2 when the Terminator had that box of flowers hiding his double-barreled pump-action shotgun? Ch-Chk, Boom!”
“Yeah Dad, I remember.”
“If the new Terminator was so smart, why didn’t he make his arm into a bigger shotgun?”
“Ray, you don’t know anything. The Terminator can’t do that. He can only make himself into a sword,” Jupe says.
“That’s a big wrong-a-roni. Only the T1000 model could make a sword. Call me the Terminator nerd. I know the whole series,” Ray says.
As if in slow motion, Lincoln walks towards Tam with the gold box, Terminator-style. He taps on Tam’s shoulder. Tam turns, sees the box of roses, and jumps in horror. Lincoln, seeming like The Terminator, stands in front of her with flowers.
Ray and Jupe yell, “Tam! Aahhh, the Terminator! Shoot, Tam, shoot!” Tam holds her gun with both hands and aims at Lincoln’s chest.
Flowers fly to the ceiling. Lincoln screams. “Don’t shoot!” Lincoln back-peddles, trips over himself and falls on the floor. “Owww!” Lincoln holds his arm.
“Linc, what are you doing here?” Tam asks.
“That’s no Terminator, that’s Lincoln. You dumb-ass, scaring us like that,” Jupe snaps.
“Sorry, I only meant to surprise Tam,” Lincoln says, holding his arm.
“Mission accomplished,” Tam says.
“I gotta say, Tam, solid grip, good stance. Counts as a bulls-eye in my book,” Ray says.
“You should’ve shot him,” Jupe says.
With his good arm, Lincoln pulls a thorny rose out from under his leg, but it’s crushed. “For you, Tam.” Lincoln holds up the red crushed rose.
Tam tries to eek out a smile. "This is just great," she says with a touch of sarcasm.
This is continued here: part 8.
2020-07-15
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 6)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 5.
*
The next morning, Grekov’s car is parked under a tree near Tam’s apart- ment complex. Wearing shades and nursing a nasty hangover, Grekov sits in the driver’s seat. Nimskii, wearing a bandage wrapped around his head, sits in the passenger seat. Grekov looks through binoculars and Nimskii, acting as secretary to Grekov, has a notebook he occasionally writes in.
“One adult, two kids,” She says. Nimskii writes it down with a snort. “Nimskii, are you still sore about that? I told you it was an accident.”
“It didn’t seem like an accident to me.” Snort.
“I was falling down drunk, on the floor, barely able to even focus. Only the greatest marksman in the work could cut a ceiling cord for a fan from fifteen meters with a 9mm pistol. We all know that’s you, not me, right?”
“Well, when you put it that way....”
China’s car is parked under another tree about a block back from Grekov’s car. China’s in the driver’s seat, Mattie sips coffee in the passenger seat. “It’s the world’s simplest thing. Just give her the deal,” China says.
“One of them will shoot me in the face.”
“We haven’t got all day. Mr Blue says to demand five million for the laptop, so go tell them ten million or we give it to DORHq.”
“Are we splitting the extra five million?”
“Yes we are, sixty-forty,” China says.
“Sixty for who and forty for who?” Mattie asks.
“Alright then, seventy thirty.”
“Seventy for who and thirty for who? I think you mean, seventy for you and thirty for me.”
“You are the best daughter in the world. I love you so much. Now, go, get out of here.” China pushes Mattie out of the car.
Still holding her coffee, Mattie sneaks up to the passenger window of Grekov’s car. “Coffee?” Mattie gives Nimskii her cup of coffee.
“Thanks. Uhmm, it has lipstick on it.”
“The lipstick’s free. What do you want? Drink out of the other side.”
“No problem.” Nimskii sips out of the clean side.
“The answer is no. I have a hangover. Go away,” Grekov says.
“I haven’t asked you the question. We don’t have to be enemies, Grekov.”
Suddenly a gun with silencer appears in Grekov’s hand. “I’ll kill you. Then, we won’t be enemies.”
“We’ve stolen one of your laptops. Tell Mr Blue he can have it back for ten million dollars. And, you two leave Tam alone. She’s just a dumb intern, anyway. If you don’t go along, we’ll sell it to DORHq.”
Grekov looks at Tam’s apartment. “He’s what I will tell –”
Pfft! Pfft! Grekov’s silencer-equipped pistol points at two holes in Nimskii’s coffee cup, spilling coffee on him. Past those holes, there are two holes in the the passenger side door. But Mattie is gone, nowhere to be seen.
“Hey, look what you did! You almost killed me.” Nimskii holds up the coffee cup.
“Crapola, who’s gonna fix those holes in the door? Oh, look, Tam’s moving.” Grekov looks through the binoculars into Tam’s living room window.
Tam has a typical living room - TV, couch, chairs, coffee table, movie posters on the walls. Tam walks over to her 14-year old nephew Dylan Taylor and sister 12-year old sister Athena Taylor, as they watch Terminator 2 on TV. Athena huddles near Dylan on the couch with a lollipop.
Dylan has a textbook, “The Trojan War,” in front of him. Dylan turns up the volume on the TV with the remote.
Athena punches him in the arm to get his attention. “You’re not gonna flunk your history test, Dylan. Just put ‘Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely’ in the answer to every question. That’s what I do. Boom! Automatic ‘A,’ thanks to me.”
Dylan rolls his eyes. The phone rings. “I’ll get it, Athena. Leave it.”
Athena grabs the phone and hands it to Tam. “Hello? ... Oh, okay. No problem. ... Bye,” Tam says into the phone. Tam hangs up. “Okay, Batman and Robin, it’s time to go,” she says to Dylan and Athena.
Athena and Dylan pack their backpacks. “Just so you know, I’m Batman,” Dylan says to Athena.
Athena punches Dylan. “I’m Batman,” Athena says.
“Hey, you two - Batman and Robin work as a team.” Tam eyes them, as Dylan and Athena walk out.
Grekov and Nimskii see Tam and Dylan and Athena exit. Grekov gives the binoculars to Nimskii and she starts her car.
*
This is continued here: part 7.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 5.
The next morning, Grekov’s car is parked under a tree near Tam’s apart- ment complex. Wearing shades and nursing a nasty hangover, Grekov sits in the driver’s seat. Nimskii, wearing a bandage wrapped around his head, sits in the passenger seat. Grekov looks through binoculars and Nimskii, acting as secretary to Grekov, has a notebook he occasionally writes in.
“One adult, two kids,” She says. Nimskii writes it down with a snort. “Nimskii, are you still sore about that? I told you it was an accident.”
“It didn’t seem like an accident to me.” Snort.
“I was falling down drunk, on the floor, barely able to even focus. Only the greatest marksman in the work could cut a ceiling cord for a fan from fifteen meters with a 9mm pistol. We all know that’s you, not me, right?”
“Well, when you put it that way....”
China’s car is parked under another tree about a block back from Grekov’s car. China’s in the driver’s seat, Mattie sips coffee in the passenger seat. “It’s the world’s simplest thing. Just give her the deal,” China says.
“One of them will shoot me in the face.”
“We haven’t got all day. Mr Blue says to demand five million for the laptop, so go tell them ten million or we give it to DORHq.”
“Are we splitting the extra five million?”
“Yes we are, sixty-forty,” China says.
“Sixty for who and forty for who?” Mattie asks.
“Alright then, seventy thirty.”
“Seventy for who and thirty for who? I think you mean, seventy for you and thirty for me.”
“You are the best daughter in the world. I love you so much. Now, go, get out of here.” China pushes Mattie out of the car.
Still holding her coffee, Mattie sneaks up to the passenger window of Grekov’s car. “Coffee?” Mattie gives Nimskii her cup of coffee.
“Thanks. Uhmm, it has lipstick on it.”
“The lipstick’s free. What do you want? Drink out of the other side.”
“No problem.” Nimskii sips out of the clean side.
“The answer is no. I have a hangover. Go away,” Grekov says.
“I haven’t asked you the question. We don’t have to be enemies, Grekov.”
Suddenly a gun with silencer appears in Grekov’s hand. “I’ll kill you. Then, we won’t be enemies.”
“We’ve stolen one of your laptops. Tell Mr Blue he can have it back for ten million dollars. And, you two leave Tam alone. She’s just a dumb intern, anyway. If you don’t go along, we’ll sell it to DORHq.”
Grekov looks at Tam’s apartment. “He’s what I will tell –”
Pfft! Pfft! Grekov’s silencer-equipped pistol points at two holes in Nimskii’s coffee cup, spilling coffee on him. Past those holes, there are two holes in the the passenger side door. But Mattie is gone, nowhere to be seen.
“Hey, look what you did! You almost killed me.” Nimskii holds up the coffee cup.
“Crapola, who’s gonna fix those holes in the door? Oh, look, Tam’s moving.” Grekov looks through the binoculars into Tam’s living room window.
Tam has a typical living room - TV, couch, chairs, coffee table, movie posters on the walls. Tam walks over to her 14-year old nephew Dylan Taylor and sister 12-year old sister Athena Taylor, as they watch Terminator 2 on TV. Athena huddles near Dylan on the couch with a lollipop.
Dylan has a textbook, “The Trojan War,” in front of him. Dylan turns up the volume on the TV with the remote.
Athena punches him in the arm to get his attention. “You’re not gonna flunk your history test, Dylan. Just put ‘Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely’ in the answer to every question. That’s what I do. Boom! Automatic ‘A,’ thanks to me.”
Dylan rolls his eyes. The phone rings. “I’ll get it, Athena. Leave it.”
Athena grabs the phone and hands it to Tam. “Hello? ... Oh, okay. No problem. ... Bye,” Tam says into the phone. Tam hangs up. “Okay, Batman and Robin, it’s time to go,” she says to Dylan and Athena.
Athena and Dylan pack their backpacks. “Just so you know, I’m Batman,” Dylan says to Athena.
Athena punches Dylan. “I’m Batman,” Athena says.
“Hey, you two - Batman and Robin work as a team.” Tam eyes them, as Dylan and Athena walk out.
Grekov and Nimskii see Tam and Dylan and Athena exit. Grekov gives the binoculars to Nimskii and she starts her car.
This is continued here: part 7.
2020-07-13
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 5)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 4.
*
Two women in their 40s, Chava Grekov, an assassin born in Russia, and her closest girlfriend Eyo Udo, a hacker born in Nigeria, walk into a large concrete and glass black building. On the side of the building, large steel block letters spell out SESI, short for “Secret Evil Spies Incorporated.”
Eyo carried her laptop while Grekov carries only coffee in a paper cup. “Forget it,” Eyo says.
“If you are the best hacker in the world, you should be able to get me –”
“Stop. I’m a hacker, Grekov, not your personal ATM machine.”
“I just want the 3d-printer plans for a Glock. It’s a pistol, Eyo, not money. I don’t want to get rich, I just want to kill bad people.”
Eyo thinks for a moment. “Well ... okay, that’s different. I’ll do it.”
In the briefing room, Mr Blue, looking official in his custom-tailored blue business suit, is in the middle of his morning briefing. He’s at a dais in the front, while rows of chairs and tables before him are occupied by various SESI agents, including Dmitrii. Agent Six, Dmitrii’s mom, and 60-something year old Pimskii flirt with each other in the back. Nikskii, a brash young assassin, leans against the wall at the side of the room and looks down at everyone. Grekov and Eyo enter and sit together, next to Dmitrii. Nimskii gives an egotistical sneer at Grekov. She sneers back.
A long wet bar is at one end of the room. Behind Mr Blue, there’s a poster:
Secret Evil Spies Incorporated
Evil is our middle name
“A number of SESI laptops have been stolen in the past year,” Mr Blue says.
Dmitrii sinks lower in his seat and sneaks a look to see if anyone is watching him. "Grekov, I need your help getting that laptop back," he whispers to Grekov. Grekov pats him on his knee reassuringly.
“It looks bad. How can we be the world’s leading organization of evil spies if anyone can steal our laptops willy-nilly? Can you answer that? Hmmm? No, I didn’t think you could. So, if you get a laptop stolen, you’ll be tortured and then I’ll dock your paycheck. Questions? No? Good. That is all. Everyone, drink up, it’s an open bar.”
Everyone gets up and starts to tell jokes and get drinks and laugh. Russian folk dance music starts playing and everyone starts drinking.
Pimskii gives a drink to Six. Six’s purse is on an empty seat at their table. She’s drunk in a matter of minutes. “What shall we toast to, Six?” Pimskii asks.
Dmitrii wanders over. “Mom, can I talk to you in private?”
Six downs her drink. “Are you having fun, Dmitrii? Come here and give me a kiss.”
“How many drinks have you had?”
Six points to her cheek. “Shut up and plant one right here,” Six says with a drunken slur.
Dmitrii gives her a peck on the cheek. “Can I have the car keys?”
“Hell no, I need to drive home after this.”
Dmitrii reaches into her purse and takes the car keys.
“Hey, I said no, dammit.”
“You’re drunk. Call me when you need a ride.” Dmitrii leaves.
“I’ll kill him tomorrow. Let’s have fun tonight, Pimskii,” Six says to Pimskii. Pimskii raises a glass. “To tonight!”
Nimskii’s at the bar. “I won this year’s best shooter award. I’m the best SESI marksman ever.”
Grekov, already drunk as a skunk, stumbles back and falls to the floor. “Nyet. I am.”
Nimskii points and laughs loudly at Grekov on the ground. Eyo helps Grekov up. “You’re too drunk to see straight, let’s go,” Eyo says to Grekov. She helps walks Grekov out. As they are about to exit, Grekov opens one eye, tilts her silencer-equipped gun at the ceiling fan over Nimskii. Pfftt! The bullet from Grekov’s gun cuts the cord suspending the fan. With a thud, the fan hits Nimskii in the head, knocking him out. Grekov lets out a long, loud, bragging belch.
*
This is continued here: part 6.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 4.
Two women in their 40s, Chava Grekov, an assassin born in Russia, and her closest girlfriend Eyo Udo, a hacker born in Nigeria, walk into a large concrete and glass black building. On the side of the building, large steel block letters spell out SESI, short for “Secret Evil Spies Incorporated.”
Eyo carried her laptop while Grekov carries only coffee in a paper cup. “Forget it,” Eyo says.
“If you are the best hacker in the world, you should be able to get me –”
“Stop. I’m a hacker, Grekov, not your personal ATM machine.”
“I just want the 3d-printer plans for a Glock. It’s a pistol, Eyo, not money. I don’t want to get rich, I just want to kill bad people.”
Eyo thinks for a moment. “Well ... okay, that’s different. I’ll do it.”
In the briefing room, Mr Blue, looking official in his custom-tailored blue business suit, is in the middle of his morning briefing. He’s at a dais in the front, while rows of chairs and tables before him are occupied by various SESI agents, including Dmitrii. Agent Six, Dmitrii’s mom, and 60-something year old Pimskii flirt with each other in the back. Nikskii, a brash young assassin, leans against the wall at the side of the room and looks down at everyone. Grekov and Eyo enter and sit together, next to Dmitrii. Nimskii gives an egotistical sneer at Grekov. She sneers back.
A long wet bar is at one end of the room. Behind Mr Blue, there’s a poster:
Evil is our middle name
Dmitrii sinks lower in his seat and sneaks a look to see if anyone is watching him. "Grekov, I need your help getting that laptop back," he whispers to Grekov. Grekov pats him on his knee reassuringly.
“It looks bad. How can we be the world’s leading organization of evil spies if anyone can steal our laptops willy-nilly? Can you answer that? Hmmm? No, I didn’t think you could. So, if you get a laptop stolen, you’ll be tortured and then I’ll dock your paycheck. Questions? No? Good. That is all. Everyone, drink up, it’s an open bar.”
Everyone gets up and starts to tell jokes and get drinks and laugh. Russian folk dance music starts playing and everyone starts drinking.
Pimskii gives a drink to Six. Six’s purse is on an empty seat at their table. She’s drunk in a matter of minutes. “What shall we toast to, Six?” Pimskii asks.
Dmitrii wanders over. “Mom, can I talk to you in private?”
Six downs her drink. “Are you having fun, Dmitrii? Come here and give me a kiss.”
“How many drinks have you had?”
Six points to her cheek. “Shut up and plant one right here,” Six says with a drunken slur.
Dmitrii gives her a peck on the cheek. “Can I have the car keys?”
“Hell no, I need to drive home after this.”
Dmitrii reaches into her purse and takes the car keys.
“Hey, I said no, dammit.”
“You’re drunk. Call me when you need a ride.” Dmitrii leaves.
“I’ll kill him tomorrow. Let’s have fun tonight, Pimskii,” Six says to Pimskii. Pimskii raises a glass. “To tonight!”
Nimskii’s at the bar. “I won this year’s best shooter award. I’m the best SESI marksman ever.”
Grekov, already drunk as a skunk, stumbles back and falls to the floor. “Nyet. I am.”
Nimskii points and laughs loudly at Grekov on the ground. Eyo helps Grekov up. “You’re too drunk to see straight, let’s go,” Eyo says to Grekov. She helps walks Grekov out. As they are about to exit, Grekov opens one eye, tilts her silencer-equipped gun at the ceiling fan over Nimskii. Pfftt! The bullet from Grekov’s gun cuts the cord suspending the fan. With a thud, the fan hits Nimskii in the head, knocking him out. Grekov lets out a long, loud, bragging belch.
This is continued here: part 6.
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 4)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 3.
*
Employees crowd the entrance of the red concrete building housing the Baltimore branch of CHUMPS, an acronym for “Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies.”
Inside, in the CHUMPS briefing room, No-Wei, an business suit wearing middle-aged Asian man, stands at the dias in the front. He’s finishing up the morning briefing. Rows of chairs and tables are occupied by various CHUMPS agents, including Lan-Po, Mattie and China Taylor. China is the mother of Tam, Mattie, Bill, and Athena. Mattie wears a red necklace.
Behind No-Wei, there’s a poster:
Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies
Better spying through better business
“... and in the future, if any of you commit an error in filling out any forms, I’m going to dock your paycheck. Questions? No? Good. That is all. Agent Lan-Po, follow me. I want to talk to you,” No-Wei says.
Lan-Po follows No-Wei down a hallway to a large office. They enter a very neat office with a window, leather chairs and a desk. A stuffed raven is perched on a bookcase. There’s a large organizational chart and an “Anti- SESI Division” sign posted on the wall.
At a sign from No-Wei, Lan-Po sits in a chair, while No-Wei sits at his desk.
“Nice office, sir. I only have locker,” Lan-Po says.
“You’ll be promoted soon enough. Let’s talk about your career. As your mentor, I ... How do I say this? ... We run a business here and you stole a SESI laptop without first filling out a X21/B proposal? Tsk-tsk.”
“But isn’t Mobile our middle name? Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies? Stealing an enemy laptop proves how mobile our counter-operations are.”
“No, Precinct is our middle name. And at a precinct, you fill out the X21/B form. How can we process it and give to the lab folks without a X21/B form? Hmmm? Can you answer me that?”
“Are you going to dock my pay?” Lan-Po asks. “You’re being paid?”
“Actually, no, I’m just an intern.”
“In that case, you can owe me. Consider it a loan.” “Yes, sir.”
“With interest.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Agent Lan-Po, as your mentor, I must tell you, if you want to advance in this organization, you must pay attention to me. Get that form into me soon, so we can make some progress with that laptop.”
“Yes, sir. I love my spy work here but I’m feel ready for the next step. I’ve been junior agent for a very long time.”
“You’ve only been here for a week. Which reminds me, you need to fill out your weekly Z-47/C progress report.”
Lan-Po gets up and walks to the door. “Can I ask one more question?” “Of course you can. I’m happy to help in any way I can.”
“May I have a different mentor?”
“No. And, don’t slam the door on your way out.”
*
This is continued here: part 5.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 3.
Employees crowd the entrance of the red concrete building housing the Baltimore branch of CHUMPS, an acronym for “Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies.”
Inside, in the CHUMPS briefing room, No-Wei, an business suit wearing middle-aged Asian man, stands at the dias in the front. He’s finishing up the morning briefing. Rows of chairs and tables are occupied by various CHUMPS agents, including Lan-Po, Mattie and China Taylor. China is the mother of Tam, Mattie, Bill, and Athena. Mattie wears a red necklace.
Behind No-Wei, there’s a poster:
Better spying through better business
Lan-Po follows No-Wei down a hallway to a large office. They enter a very neat office with a window, leather chairs and a desk. A stuffed raven is perched on a bookcase. There’s a large organizational chart and an “Anti- SESI Division” sign posted on the wall.
At a sign from No-Wei, Lan-Po sits in a chair, while No-Wei sits at his desk.
“Nice office, sir. I only have locker,” Lan-Po says.
“You’ll be promoted soon enough. Let’s talk about your career. As your mentor, I ... How do I say this? ... We run a business here and you stole a SESI laptop without first filling out a X21/B proposal? Tsk-tsk.”
“But isn’t Mobile our middle name? Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies? Stealing an enemy laptop proves how mobile our counter-operations are.”
“No, Precinct is our middle name. And at a precinct, you fill out the X21/B form. How can we process it and give to the lab folks without a X21/B form? Hmmm? Can you answer me that?”
“Are you going to dock my pay?” Lan-Po asks. “You’re being paid?”
“Actually, no, I’m just an intern.”
“In that case, you can owe me. Consider it a loan.” “Yes, sir.”
“With interest.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Agent Lan-Po, as your mentor, I must tell you, if you want to advance in this organization, you must pay attention to me. Get that form into me soon, so we can make some progress with that laptop.”
“Yes, sir. I love my spy work here but I’m feel ready for the next step. I’ve been junior agent for a very long time.”
“You’ve only been here for a week. Which reminds me, you need to fill out your weekly Z-47/C progress report.”
Lan-Po gets up and walks to the door. “Can I ask one more question?” “Of course you can. I’m happy to help in any way I can.”
“May I have a different mentor?”
“No. And, don’t slam the door on your way out.”
This is continued here: part 5.
2020-07-11
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 3)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 2.
*
This fine spring day, the sun gleams on the concrete and glass exterior of the DORHq headquarters, DORHq, of course, stands for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters. It’s the place everyone goes after they flunk out of the FBI or the DHS or CIA or NSA. The rejects work inside, but outside it really is quite lovely.
Wilted white lilies decorate either side of the glass double doors making up the front entrance. Surly squirrels chatter at anyone entering.
Inside in the DORHq briefing room, Mrs Bosch, who everyone calls “Mean Boss” behind her back, stands at a dais in the front. Rows of chairs and tables are occupied by various DORHq agents, including Tam, 30-something Jupiter JUPE Sila, her constantly horny GF, middle-aged Freeman Penn, Jupe’s younger brother Lincoln Sila, and 20-something Gonzalez “Gonzo” Galtero. Tam is noticeably smaller than the others.
Tam and Jupe sit at a table with donuts and coffee. Freeman works on a spreadsheet, one that plots DORHq agent shootings, on his laptop. Behind Mean Mrs Bosch, there’s a poster:
Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters
Making North America safe for recon ops
“In conclusion, several DORHq agents have been shot in the past year. Watch your back and don’t get sloppy. I’m getting a lot of heat on this from the big brass. I’m not sure what to do. Any suggestions?” Mrs Bosch asks.
Jupe raises her hand. “Tam and I were wondering if you can give everyone a bonus who isn’t shot?”
Tam gives Jupe a ‘What the fuck?!’ look. Gonzo laughs.
“Not funny. How’s this, smartass: if you get shot, I’ll dock your paycheck and you’ll be demoted. Any questions? No? Good. That’s all. Get back to work. Agent Tam Taylor, follow me.”
“Yes, Ma’am.” Tam whispers to Jupe: “Thanks a lot.”
“No problem. Meet me in my office later,” Jupe says with a wink.
Mrs Bosch leads Tam her workplace as an intern answering phone calls.
The cubical has a desk, computer and phone. The walls of the cubical are decorated by thumb-tacked snapshots of her family and friends and a paper “Tam Taylor, Intern” sign. A cup of coffee and a writing pad sits on the desk.
Tam sits in her cubical, bright and innocent, wearing a phone headset and a white “D.O.R.Hq.” baseball cap.
Mrs Bosch stands behind her. “You really think you’re ready for the next step?”
“Yes Ma’am, I’m ready.”
Tam’s phone buzzes. “We’ll see about that. Go ahead, answer it. Pretend I’m not here.”
Tam tentatively presses a button on her keyboard and speaks into her headset. “Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters. Making North America safe for recon ops. How can I direct your call?”
Mean Boss nods and writes a note on the clipboard. “Above all, be polite, ask for details.”
“Yes, ma’am. What kind of details?”
“Don’t ask me, ask the client.”
“Sorry, Ma’am.” She speaks into her headset. “Yes, sir ... You’re with the C.I.A. and want to work for DORHq instead?”
“Not that nut-case again. Give me that headset.”
Tam takes off her headset and Mean Boss puts it on. “Listen you, I’m the director of DORHq. I’m sick and tired of you C.I.A. agents calling me with your damn prank phone calls. What’s the matter with you?”
Mrs Bosch hands the headset back to Tam. “Wow. I didn’t know I could talk like that,” Tam says.
“Those assholes at the C.I.A. think they are so much better than us. Pisses me off royally. Time for your break. Don’t take too long.” “Thank you, Ma’am.”
Mrs Bosch leaves. Tam types a text on her cell phone, tosses her headset down and leaves for Jupe’s office.
Jupe is alone on her work computer, door open. In the hallway outside, Tam softly knocks on the door frame. “Tam, come here.”
Tam enters. “Hey, Jupe. What are you watching?” “Baooww-shicky-baow-wow” replies Jupe’s computer. Jupe does a bump-and-grind with the music soundtrack to the video playing on her computer. A porn actor on the video says “Oh, yeah. Faster.”
“Porn? Don’t they have filters blocking that?” Tam asks.
“It’s easy to get around all that,” Jupe says.
“I’ve got a question for you. Hypothetically, what if I knew of a laptop that had source code for an unreleased virus on it?”
“If it’s not a porn virus, I don’t see how it’s relavent to the present topic of discussion.”
“Can we change topics then?”
“You bet. Check out this online poker site.” Jupe switches tabs on her browser. A musical tune bing-bing-bong-bing comes out of Jupe’s computer.
“They track your browsing. You know that, right?”
“I’m using a VPN. Relax.”
“It’s not hypothetical. I learned about this virus from a reliable source. I want to start an undercover operation to recover that laptop. The CHUMPS have it.”
“Let’s just say, I’ve been around the block a few more times than you have. I’m gonna give you a little advice.”
“Yes, please do. What?”
“It’s your ante,” says the computer’s poker dealer in a monotone computer- generated voice. Jupe steals a glance at the computer screen.
“Holy crap, look at the cards I got dealt. Oh my gawd, I’m going all-in.”
“You’ve bet five hundred dollars,” the poker dealer says. Bing-bing-bong-bing.
“Shh! Turn the volume down. We’re gonna get caught. What’s your advice, Jupe?”
“That laptop’s under lock-and-key. Try to steal it and you’re gonna get caught. My advice, don’t do it.”
Mrs Bosch and SARA, a human-looking robot, enter. Sara appears to be a bored 20-something year old woman.
Jupe tries to shield her computer screen from Mrs Bosch, then tries to turn it off with her mouse and keyboard. Nothing is working. The bing- bing-bong-bing music only gets louder.
“What are you doing?” Mrs Bosch asks.
Bing-bing-bong-bing.
“You’re turn. Ante up in 10 seconds or you fold,” the poker dealer says. Jupe accidentally click with her mouse on the porn tab of her browser.
Baooww-shicky-baow-wow, “Oops,” Jupe says. To Mrs Bosch, she answers, “Nothing. Computer malfunction.”
Tam adds: “I was just here trying to help fix –”
The computer porn actor yells, “Yes! Yes! Yeeessss!”
“Sara, stop it!” Mrs Bosch orders.
Baooww-shicky-baow– Smash! Crash! Sara karate chops the computer to smithereens with her mechanical arms.
“Sara, I meant to power it off, not destroy it, dammit.”
“I misunderstood your instructions.” Sara speaks mechanically.
Jupe points to Sara. “What the hell is that?”
Tam says “Jupe, now you’ve got everything under control, I’m leaving.” “Wait. There’s no control here. You can’t go. What about our undercover plan?”
“Undercover plan? What undercover plan? Let’s just say, I’ve rode more than a few bucking broncos in my day. You’re just a junior agent. Let me give you a little advice,” Mrs Bosch.
“Yes, ma’am. What?” Jupe asks.
“I make the damn plans around here, and the plan for now is for you two bozos to shut up and listen. Sara, introduce yourself.”
“Greetings, Agent Jupiter Sila, I am Sara, Secret Attack Robot Agent, model X12A.”
“Attack me and I will crush you like a soda can.’ Jupe says.
“Sara’s our new secret weapon against the SESIs and the CHUMPS. Her arms can transform into fifty caliber machine guns. She can run seventy miles per hour. And you’re to train her.”
“Oh, please, no, not me.”
“She’s to recognize all the top members of SESI and CHUMPS. You have two hours.”
“Make Gonzo do it.”
“No.”
“How about Tam? She’s much smarter.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes you are, but, no, it’s going to be you, Agent Sila. You now have an hour and fifty-nine minutes.” Mean Boss leaves.
Jupe looks Sara up and down. “Can you play poker?”
“No,” Sara says.
“How about do a bump-and-grind?” Jupe asks.
Jupe demonstrates a bump-and-grind. Sara does a bad imitation. “You need to practice on that.”
“Sara, can you search for a laptop stolen from Last Drop Coffee this morning?” Tam asks.
“I can access classified GPS servers. If the laptop has a GPS chip, please say ‘Sara, yes’ and I will search.”
“Sara, yes,” Tam says with a smile.
*
This is continued here: part 4.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 2.
This fine spring day, the sun gleams on the concrete and glass exterior of the DORHq headquarters, DORHq, of course, stands for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters. It’s the place everyone goes after they flunk out of the FBI or the DHS or CIA or NSA. The rejects work inside, but outside it really is quite lovely.
Wilted white lilies decorate either side of the glass double doors making up the front entrance. Surly squirrels chatter at anyone entering.
Inside in the DORHq briefing room, Mrs Bosch, who everyone calls “Mean Boss” behind her back, stands at a dais in the front. Rows of chairs and tables are occupied by various DORHq agents, including Tam, 30-something Jupiter JUPE Sila, her constantly horny GF, middle-aged Freeman Penn, Jupe’s younger brother Lincoln Sila, and 20-something Gonzalez “Gonzo” Galtero. Tam is noticeably smaller than the others.
Tam and Jupe sit at a table with donuts and coffee. Freeman works on a spreadsheet, one that plots DORHq agent shootings, on his laptop. Behind Mean Mrs Bosch, there’s a poster:
Making North America safe for recon ops
Jupe raises her hand. “Tam and I were wondering if you can give everyone a bonus who isn’t shot?”
Tam gives Jupe a ‘What the fuck?!’ look. Gonzo laughs.
“Not funny. How’s this, smartass: if you get shot, I’ll dock your paycheck and you’ll be demoted. Any questions? No? Good. That’s all. Get back to work. Agent Tam Taylor, follow me.”
“Yes, Ma’am.” Tam whispers to Jupe: “Thanks a lot.”
“No problem. Meet me in my office later,” Jupe says with a wink.
Mrs Bosch leads Tam her workplace as an intern answering phone calls.
The cubical has a desk, computer and phone. The walls of the cubical are decorated by thumb-tacked snapshots of her family and friends and a paper “Tam Taylor, Intern” sign. A cup of coffee and a writing pad sits on the desk.
Tam sits in her cubical, bright and innocent, wearing a phone headset and a white “D.O.R.Hq.” baseball cap.
Mrs Bosch stands behind her. “You really think you’re ready for the next step?”
“Yes Ma’am, I’m ready.”
Tam’s phone buzzes. “We’ll see about that. Go ahead, answer it. Pretend I’m not here.”
Tam tentatively presses a button on her keyboard and speaks into her headset. “Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters. Making North America safe for recon ops. How can I direct your call?”
Mean Boss nods and writes a note on the clipboard. “Above all, be polite, ask for details.”
“Yes, ma’am. What kind of details?”
“Don’t ask me, ask the client.”
“Sorry, Ma’am.” She speaks into her headset. “Yes, sir ... You’re with the C.I.A. and want to work for DORHq instead?”
“Not that nut-case again. Give me that headset.”
Tam takes off her headset and Mean Boss puts it on. “Listen you, I’m the director of DORHq. I’m sick and tired of you C.I.A. agents calling me with your damn prank phone calls. What’s the matter with you?”
Mrs Bosch hands the headset back to Tam. “Wow. I didn’t know I could talk like that,” Tam says.
“Those assholes at the C.I.A. think they are so much better than us. Pisses me off royally. Time for your break. Don’t take too long.” “Thank you, Ma’am.”
Mrs Bosch leaves. Tam types a text on her cell phone, tosses her headset down and leaves for Jupe’s office.
Jupe is alone on her work computer, door open. In the hallway outside, Tam softly knocks on the door frame. “Tam, come here.”
Tam enters. “Hey, Jupe. What are you watching?” “Baooww-shicky-baow-wow” replies Jupe’s computer. Jupe does a bump-and-grind with the music soundtrack to the video playing on her computer. A porn actor on the video says “Oh, yeah. Faster.”
“Porn? Don’t they have filters blocking that?” Tam asks.
“It’s easy to get around all that,” Jupe says.
“I’ve got a question for you. Hypothetically, what if I knew of a laptop that had source code for an unreleased virus on it?”
“If it’s not a porn virus, I don’t see how it’s relavent to the present topic of discussion.”
“Can we change topics then?”
“You bet. Check out this online poker site.” Jupe switches tabs on her browser. A musical tune bing-bing-bong-bing comes out of Jupe’s computer.
“They track your browsing. You know that, right?”
“I’m using a VPN. Relax.”
“It’s not hypothetical. I learned about this virus from a reliable source. I want to start an undercover operation to recover that laptop. The CHUMPS have it.”
“Let’s just say, I’ve been around the block a few more times than you have. I’m gonna give you a little advice.”
“Yes, please do. What?”
“It’s your ante,” says the computer’s poker dealer in a monotone computer- generated voice. Jupe steals a glance at the computer screen.
“Holy crap, look at the cards I got dealt. Oh my gawd, I’m going all-in.”
“You’ve bet five hundred dollars,” the poker dealer says. Bing-bing-bong-bing.
“Shh! Turn the volume down. We’re gonna get caught. What’s your advice, Jupe?”
“That laptop’s under lock-and-key. Try to steal it and you’re gonna get caught. My advice, don’t do it.”
Mrs Bosch and SARA, a human-looking robot, enter. Sara appears to be a bored 20-something year old woman.
Jupe tries to shield her computer screen from Mrs Bosch, then tries to turn it off with her mouse and keyboard. Nothing is working. The bing- bing-bong-bing music only gets louder.
“What are you doing?” Mrs Bosch asks.
Bing-bing-bong-bing.
“You’re turn. Ante up in 10 seconds or you fold,” the poker dealer says. Jupe accidentally click with her mouse on the porn tab of her browser.
Baooww-shicky-baow-wow, “Oops,” Jupe says. To Mrs Bosch, she answers, “Nothing. Computer malfunction.”
Tam adds: “I was just here trying to help fix –”
The computer porn actor yells, “Yes! Yes! Yeeessss!”
“Sara, stop it!” Mrs Bosch orders.
Baooww-shicky-baow– Smash! Crash! Sara karate chops the computer to smithereens with her mechanical arms.
“Sara, I meant to power it off, not destroy it, dammit.”
“I misunderstood your instructions.” Sara speaks mechanically.
Jupe points to Sara. “What the hell is that?”
Tam says “Jupe, now you’ve got everything under control, I’m leaving.” “Wait. There’s no control here. You can’t go. What about our undercover plan?”
“Undercover plan? What undercover plan? Let’s just say, I’ve rode more than a few bucking broncos in my day. You’re just a junior agent. Let me give you a little advice,” Mrs Bosch.
“Yes, ma’am. What?” Jupe asks.
“I make the damn plans around here, and the plan for now is for you two bozos to shut up and listen. Sara, introduce yourself.”
“Greetings, Agent Jupiter Sila, I am Sara, Secret Attack Robot Agent, model X12A.”
“Attack me and I will crush you like a soda can.’ Jupe says.
“Sara’s our new secret weapon against the SESIs and the CHUMPS. Her arms can transform into fifty caliber machine guns. She can run seventy miles per hour. And you’re to train her.”
“Oh, please, no, not me.”
“She’s to recognize all the top members of SESI and CHUMPS. You have two hours.”
“Make Gonzo do it.”
“No.”
“How about Tam? She’s much smarter.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes you are, but, no, it’s going to be you, Agent Sila. You now have an hour and fifty-nine minutes.” Mean Boss leaves.
Jupe looks Sara up and down. “Can you play poker?”
“No,” Sara says.
“How about do a bump-and-grind?” Jupe asks.
Jupe demonstrates a bump-and-grind. Sara does a bad imitation. “You need to practice on that.”
“Sara, can you search for a laptop stolen from Last Drop Coffee this morning?” Tam asks.
“I can access classified GPS servers. If the laptop has a GPS chip, please say ‘Sara, yes’ and I will search.”
“Sara, yes,” Tam says with a smile.
This is continued here: part 4.
2020-07-09
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 2)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 1.
*
Tam and Athena, wearing a animal-themed backpack, enter the building with white siding that bears a DORHq insignia.
She makes her way through the lobby, takes the elevator with happy music to an upper floor, gets out, walks over to a nearby doorframe and knocks. A name plaque mounted on the wall in the hallway says
Special Agent Freeman Penn
Freeman waves her in Tam and Athena enter. “Last time I saw you, you were a guard in the Annapolis Miniature Art Museum. From museum guard to DORHq Special Agent, how did you do that?” Tam asks.
Large office lined with bookshelves, a desk with a computer screen, and several chairs. A brass “Special Agent Freeman Penn” plaque is on his desk. Freeman is working at his desk. “My animal magnetism. It’s a gift. How do you like your uncle’s new office, Athena honey?”
“It’s okay. Do you have a gun? Tam doesn’t,” Athena says dismissively.
“Gun?” In his best Yosemite Sam voice, Freeman says “Why, Pumpkin, your Uncle’s the most rootin-est, tootin-est sharp-shooter this side of the Mississippi.”
Athena laughs and hugs Freeman. “You’re the best uncle in the world.”
“I need help finding a stolen laptop,” Tam says.
“I’m planning a recon op on SESI headquarters right now, sweetie.”
“I want to get out of going to school. We have a field trip to the Zoo, and I just went last week,” Athena says.
“Well sweetie, you could go with me on Operation Mr Blue, our next recon op. I could disguise it as a Secret Agent Junior High field trip. How’s that sound?” Freeman asks.
“Sounds cool" Athena says. "What do you want me to do?”
“You’ll pretend you’re a junior high school student who wants a tour of the SESI Headquarters for a school project.”
“That’s all?”
“The rest of the time, you’ll do your homework. Tam, how about you?” Freeman asks.
“I don’t go to school, so I don't have any homework,” Tam says.
“I mean, can you go with us?”
“Sure. Maybe I can get some information I can use to find that laptop.”
“You go with Gonzo and Jupe on Team B.”
“Sounds good. Do you remember Chance?” Tam asks.
“Like a bad dream. What a sleazeball,” Freeman says with a snort.
“He’s my boyfriend now.”
“He might have some redeeming qualities, I suppose,” he backpeddles.
“His real name is Dmitrii. He’s actually a SESI Agent.”
“Torture and death would be too good for him.”
“I flipped him. Now he’s a DORHq double agent.”
“I suppose I could learn to like the guy.”
“SESI has created the world’s worst cell-phone virus. The source code is stored in Dmitrii’s laptop."
“Is that good or bad?”
“Bad. It was stolen. I need help getting that laptop, Uncle Freeman.”
“I’ll help all I can.”
“Why not ask Dmitrii?” Athena asks.
“He’ll be killed if he’s caught helping me, Athena. Uncle, can you spare anyone else? How about the Mustardmans?”
“Oh gawd no, anyone but the Mustardmans,” Freeman says.
*
This is continued here: part 3.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
Tam and Athena, wearing a animal-themed backpack, enter the building with white siding that bears a DORHq insignia.
She makes her way through the lobby, takes the elevator with happy music to an upper floor, gets out, walks over to a nearby doorframe and knocks. A name plaque mounted on the wall in the hallway says
Freeman waves her in Tam and Athena enter. “Last time I saw you, you were a guard in the Annapolis Miniature Art Museum. From museum guard to DORHq Special Agent, how did you do that?” Tam asks.
Large office lined with bookshelves, a desk with a computer screen, and several chairs. A brass “Special Agent Freeman Penn” plaque is on his desk. Freeman is working at his desk. “My animal magnetism. It’s a gift. How do you like your uncle’s new office, Athena honey?”
“It’s okay. Do you have a gun? Tam doesn’t,” Athena says dismissively.
“Gun?” In his best Yosemite Sam voice, Freeman says “Why, Pumpkin, your Uncle’s the most rootin-est, tootin-est sharp-shooter this side of the Mississippi.”
Athena laughs and hugs Freeman. “You’re the best uncle in the world.”
“I need help finding a stolen laptop,” Tam says.
“I’m planning a recon op on SESI headquarters right now, sweetie.”
“I want to get out of going to school. We have a field trip to the Zoo, and I just went last week,” Athena says.
“Well sweetie, you could go with me on Operation Mr Blue, our next recon op. I could disguise it as a Secret Agent Junior High field trip. How’s that sound?” Freeman asks.
“Sounds cool" Athena says. "What do you want me to do?”
“You’ll pretend you’re a junior high school student who wants a tour of the SESI Headquarters for a school project.”
“That’s all?”
“The rest of the time, you’ll do your homework. Tam, how about you?” Freeman asks.
“I don’t go to school, so I don't have any homework,” Tam says.
“I mean, can you go with us?”
“Sure. Maybe I can get some information I can use to find that laptop.”
“You go with Gonzo and Jupe on Team B.”
“Sounds good. Do you remember Chance?” Tam asks.
“Like a bad dream. What a sleazeball,” Freeman says with a snort.
“He’s my boyfriend now.”
“He might have some redeeming qualities, I suppose,” he backpeddles.
“His real name is Dmitrii. He’s actually a SESI Agent.”
“Torture and death would be too good for him.”
“I flipped him. Now he’s a DORHq double agent.”
“I suppose I could learn to like the guy.”
“SESI has created the world’s worst cell-phone virus. The source code is stored in Dmitrii’s laptop."
“Is that good or bad?”
“Bad. It was stolen. I need help getting that laptop, Uncle Freeman.”
“I’ll help all I can.”
“Why not ask Dmitrii?” Athena asks.
“He’ll be killed if he’s caught helping me, Athena. Uncle, can you spare anyone else? How about the Mustardmans?”
“Oh gawd no, anyone but the Mustardmans,” Freeman says.
This is continued here: part 3.
2020-07-07
Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 1)
Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
*
A row of shops line a busy city street. On one shop, painted on the large windows on either side of the front door is
Last Drop Coffee Shop
While it seems like a small town out in the country, in fact, it's snuggled in the middle of Baltimore, in the Hamilton neighborhood.
A young couple can be seen sitting at a table inside. Tam Taylor and Dmitrii are our young 20-something couple, sipping coffee and sharing a muffin. Tam wears a white
necklace. A backpack sits at Dmitrii's feet, zipped up. They huddle close together to make sure they aren't overheard.
"Now you tell me your real name is Dmitrii?" Tam asks.
"Chance was just a cover," Dmitrii says, still stinging from being caught in a lie.
"I suppose our relationship was also just a cover?"
"No, Tam, never. I really do love you."
"This is crazy. We'll be arrested if we're ever caught talking to each other."
"Actually, I'd be shot. Instantly," Dmitrii says, with a finger gun to his head.
"You'd be dead. I'd probably be demoted. Who wants that? Do you want me to be demoted?"
"No, but we won't get caught if we just stay aware of our surroundings at all times. Use the spycraft we're trained for."
"In every training session, it's ingrained in us to hate each other. After your lies, I'm feeling it."
"Ahhmm," says Lan-Po, in a waiter's outfit. Ignored by Tam and Dmitrii, he's been overhearing them the whole time. He holds two glasses of water on a tray.
"I know we can make it work. Communication is the key."
Cough! "Ahhmm. Excuse me. Is there anything else I can get you?"
"No, thank you," Tam says.
Crash! Lan-Po drops the glasses of water on the floor. "I'm so sorry. I'll clean that up right away." Lan-Po bends down to clean up the mess.
Tam and Dmitrii ignore him and return to their conversation. "I don't want you going out with Lincoln," Dmitrii says.
"At least Linc doesn't trick me with cover names."
"Now, he's Linc to you? Well, I'm a much better spy. He probably doesn't even know what a cover name is."
Lan-Po gets up with broken glass and a wet rag on a tray, hiding a laptop underneath. Lan-Po leaves their table, slips behind the counter and exits though a swinging door.
Now Dmitrii's backpack is unzipped.
Outside, above the Last Drop's back door is a small rusted metal sign saying "Last Drop Coffee Shop." The door blasts opens and Lan-Po, grinning ear-to-ear, exits running with a laptop under one arm, as if it was a football. The laptop has a small SESI sticker on the cover. Lan-Po tears off his ``Last Drop'' apron, throws it on the ground, and jumps into a car.
The car is driven by Tam's identical twin, Mattie Taylor, wearing a CHUMPS baseball cap. She's a bit of an evil sister and she smiles smugly as she drives off with Lan-Po and the stolen laptop in the passenger seat.
Inside, Tam and Dmitrii are oblivious to the ruse. They continue bickering as young lovers do.
"Dmitrii, relationships are like bank accounts. You're so overdrawn that it will take years to pay down your debt. Lincoln has plenty in his savings account."
"When I say communication is key, what I really mean is you're supposed to let me win an argument sometimes."
"If we are going to be together, you have two options. Quit SESI or become a double agent."
"Give me a moment ... If I quit, I'll be shot. If I'm caught spying on SESI then I'll be tortured and then shot."
"You lied to me and broke the relationship we had. Don't you want to fix it, Dmitrii? Darling?" Tam beams an irresistibly charming smile.
"When you put it that way, DORHq Double Agent Dmitrii darling has a nice ring to it."
"Kiss me, double Agent Dmitrii darling."
"I love how you delegate."
They kiss.
"SESI hackers have developed source code for the most destructive computer virus ever known, and I have it on my laptop. It's called the DoomsDay Worm."
"Why is that on your laptop? Wait, you own a computer? Since when?"
"I'm not a complete idiot when it comes to computers. ... Well, okay maybe I am, but Mr Blue just made me in charge of laptop security."
"That information just is ... mind-boggling on so many levels."
"I know, right? Isn't it worth another kiss?" Dmitrii asks.
Tam grabs Dmitrii and kisses him. "Give me your laptop. If DORHq programmers get a copy, we can counter-act it with an anti-virus. I might be able to save the internet from total destruction," Tam says.
"It's right here. Right ... huh?" Dmitri reaches inside his backpack.
"What's wrong?" Tam asks.
"It's gone. My laptop's gone. Where's the waiter? It must've been the waiter."
``That's too bad. I was about to zero out that debt of yours,'' Tam says.
Tam and Dmitrii run out the back door, stopping under the rusty "Last Drop Coffee Shop" sign. They look around.
Tam sees Lan-Po's "Last Drop Coffee Shop" apron on the ground. She snatches it up. "He's gone. Dmitrii, I've got to go talk to Uncle Freeman about this. Maybe he has a plan. But first listen to me carefully, because it's very important."
"Yes, tell me," Dmitrii says.
Tam gives Dmitrii the apron. "When you go back in to pay the bill, do not leave a tip."
*
This is continued here: part 2.
This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
A row of shops line a busy city street. On one shop, painted on the large windows on either side of the front door is
While it seems like a small town out in the country, in fact, it's snuggled in the middle of Baltimore, in the Hamilton neighborhood.
A young couple can be seen sitting at a table inside. Tam Taylor and Dmitrii are our young 20-something couple, sipping coffee and sharing a muffin. Tam wears a white
necklace. A backpack sits at Dmitrii's feet, zipped up. They huddle close together to make sure they aren't overheard.
"Now you tell me your real name is Dmitrii?" Tam asks.
"Chance was just a cover," Dmitrii says, still stinging from being caught in a lie.
"I suppose our relationship was also just a cover?"
"No, Tam, never. I really do love you."
"This is crazy. We'll be arrested if we're ever caught talking to each other."
"Actually, I'd be shot. Instantly," Dmitrii says, with a finger gun to his head.
"You'd be dead. I'd probably be demoted. Who wants that? Do you want me to be demoted?"
"No, but we won't get caught if we just stay aware of our surroundings at all times. Use the spycraft we're trained for."
"In every training session, it's ingrained in us to hate each other. After your lies, I'm feeling it."
"Ahhmm," says Lan-Po, in a waiter's outfit. Ignored by Tam and Dmitrii, he's been overhearing them the whole time. He holds two glasses of water on a tray.
"I know we can make it work. Communication is the key."
Cough! "Ahhmm. Excuse me. Is there anything else I can get you?"
"No, thank you," Tam says.
Crash! Lan-Po drops the glasses of water on the floor. "I'm so sorry. I'll clean that up right away." Lan-Po bends down to clean up the mess.
Tam and Dmitrii ignore him and return to their conversation. "I don't want you going out with Lincoln," Dmitrii says.
"At least Linc doesn't trick me with cover names."
"Now, he's Linc to you? Well, I'm a much better spy. He probably doesn't even know what a cover name is."
Lan-Po gets up with broken glass and a wet rag on a tray, hiding a laptop underneath. Lan-Po leaves their table, slips behind the counter and exits though a swinging door.
Now Dmitrii's backpack is unzipped.
Outside, above the Last Drop's back door is a small rusted metal sign saying "Last Drop Coffee Shop." The door blasts opens and Lan-Po, grinning ear-to-ear, exits running with a laptop under one arm, as if it was a football. The laptop has a small SESI sticker on the cover. Lan-Po tears off his ``Last Drop'' apron, throws it on the ground, and jumps into a car.
The car is driven by Tam's identical twin, Mattie Taylor, wearing a CHUMPS baseball cap. She's a bit of an evil sister and she smiles smugly as she drives off with Lan-Po and the stolen laptop in the passenger seat.
Inside, Tam and Dmitrii are oblivious to the ruse. They continue bickering as young lovers do.
"Dmitrii, relationships are like bank accounts. You're so overdrawn that it will take years to pay down your debt. Lincoln has plenty in his savings account."
"When I say communication is key, what I really mean is you're supposed to let me win an argument sometimes."
"If we are going to be together, you have two options. Quit SESI or become a double agent."
"Give me a moment ... If I quit, I'll be shot. If I'm caught spying on SESI then I'll be tortured and then shot."
"You lied to me and broke the relationship we had. Don't you want to fix it, Dmitrii? Darling?" Tam beams an irresistibly charming smile.
"When you put it that way, DORHq Double Agent Dmitrii darling has a nice ring to it."
"Kiss me, double Agent Dmitrii darling."
"I love how you delegate."
They kiss.
"SESI hackers have developed source code for the most destructive computer virus ever known, and I have it on my laptop. It's called the DoomsDay Worm."
"Why is that on your laptop? Wait, you own a computer? Since when?"
"I'm not a complete idiot when it comes to computers. ... Well, okay maybe I am, but Mr Blue just made me in charge of laptop security."
"That information just is ... mind-boggling on so many levels."
"I know, right? Isn't it worth another kiss?" Dmitrii asks.
Tam grabs Dmitrii and kisses him. "Give me your laptop. If DORHq programmers get a copy, we can counter-act it with an anti-virus. I might be able to save the internet from total destruction," Tam says.
"It's right here. Right ... huh?" Dmitri reaches inside his backpack.
"What's wrong?" Tam asks.
"It's gone. My laptop's gone. Where's the waiter? It must've been the waiter."
``That's too bad. I was about to zero out that debt of yours,'' Tam says.
Tam and Dmitrii run out the back door, stopping under the rusty "Last Drop Coffee Shop" sign. They look around.
Tam sees Lan-Po's "Last Drop Coffee Shop" apron on the ground. She snatches it up. "He's gone. Dmitrii, I've got to go talk to Uncle Freeman about this. Maybe he has a plan. But first listen to me carefully, because it's very important."
"Yes, tell me," Dmitrii says.
Tam gives Dmitrii the apron. "When you go back in to pay the bill, do not leave a tip."
This is continued here: part 2.
2016-06-08
Selected Balticon 50 writing panels - video
Balticon 50 had a large number of writing panels, a few of which I recorded (by permission).
"Hands on Screenwriting"
Panelists: James Gossard, Clint Gaige
part 1:
"Adapting your fiction to stage and screen."
Panelists: Izolda Trakhtenberg, Charlie Brown, James Gossard, Clint Gaige
Moderator: David Robison
part 1:
"Transmedia on a budget."
Panelists: Clint Gaige, Allison Gamblin, Charlie Brown, James Gossard
Moderator: Pamela Gay
part 1:
"Hands on Screenwriting"
Panelists: James Gossard, Clint Gaige
part 1:
"Hands on screenwriting" Balticon panel, part 1 from wdj on Vimeo.
part 2:"Hands on screenwriting" Balticon panel, part 2 from wdj on Vimeo.
"Adapting your fiction to stage and screen."
Panelists: Izolda Trakhtenberg, Charlie Brown, James Gossard, Clint Gaige
Moderator: David Robison
part 1:
"Adapting your fiction to stage and screen" Balticon panel, part 1 from wdj on Vimeo.
part 2:“Adapting your fiction to stage and screen” Balticon panel, part 2 from wdj on Vimeo.
"Transmedia on a budget."
Panelists: Clint Gaige, Allison Gamblin, Charlie Brown, James Gossard
Moderator: Pamela Gay
part 1:
Balticon panel on "Transmedia on a budget", part 1 from wdj on Vimeo.
part 2:Balticon panel on "Transmedia on a budget", part 2 from wdj on Vimeo.
2014-05-29
The GMU Studio A series of videos
Maryland screenwriter Jamie Nash being interviewed at Studio A.
Rick Davis and Ann Hornaday on the Studio A set- Studio A: Kathryn O'Sullivan and Paul Awad
Husband and wife team of director and screenwriter for the western web series, Thurston.
Good discussion of webseries development.
- Studio A: Shanti Thakur
Shanti teaches at Film Hunter College in NYC. Writes and directs high-concept shorts. Good general discussion of filmmaking in general.
- Studio A: Jean-Paul Chreky
Excellent discussion of a script supervisor's role
- Studio A: Melissa Bisagni
Melissa Bisagni is the Smithsonian Film & Video Center Program Manager. Good discussion of the Native American Indian in film.
- Studio A: Lance Kramer
Lance Kramer co-founded Meridian Hill Pictures, a production company, with his brother. They specialize in documentaries and education. Good discussion of production issues and documentary filmmaking.
- Studio A: Erin Essenmacher
Erin Essenmacher is an award-winning writer, director and producer of docuemhtary films. She serves on the board of directors of Gandhi Brigade and is President of the board of Women in Film and Video, Washington, DC. Excellent discussion of documentary filmmmaking, women in film, indie film.
- Studio A: Jamie Nash
Scriptwriter for "Adventures of a Teenage Dragonslayer", "Altered", and others. Good discussion of nuts and bolts of being a fulltime screenplaywriter. Jamie has partnered a number of projects with Eduardo Sánchez (The Blair Witch Project) and other co-writers. He talks about the co-writing process, the production process form the writers' perspective and about Amazon Studios' model.
- Studio A: Tai Burkholder
Excellent discussion of an executive producers' role, a producers' role, line producer's (also a production supervisor's) role, and a production manager's role.
- Studio A: Mark Ruppert
Ruppert created the 48 Hour Film Project. He got the idea from the already popular 24 hour playwright project. Excellent discussion of creating short films in a short amount of time.
- Studio A: Otessa Ghadar
Otessa Ghadar is the founder and president of new media production company 20/20 Productions. Otessa is most known for her long-running webisode "Orange Juice in Bishop's Garden", which is all about teens growing up/getting down/coming out in the 90s. Great discussion of the production side of making a web-series and connection with social media.
- Studio A: Thomas Kaufman
Tom Kaufman is a award-winning DP, with a lot of documentary and TV experience. (He is also a mystery novel writer.) Excellent discussion of the work of a director of photography.
- Studio A: Marc Lieberman
Marc is a producer and partner with Cavalier Film, and produces for the Onion News Network. Cavelier Films is one of the few production companies with an open submission process. Excellent discussion of indie film business.
(The audio is way out of sync in this video.)
- Studio A: Megan Holley
Megan is a screenwriter and film editor. Excellent discussion of being an indie screenwriter.
She has also directed films and discussed aspects of the production pipeline.
(The audio is out of sync in this video as well.)
- Studio A: Estel Dillon
Videographer, editor, photographer for NBC News for 25+ years. Discusses his experiences as a TV news cameraman.
(The audio is out of sync in this video as well.)
- Studio A: Eric Weissmann
Eric is an entertainment lawyer in southern California, a so-called "super lawyer." Discusses his experiences as an entertainment lawyer. Lots of funny anecdotes.
- Studio A: Peggy Pridemore
Location manager for many productions, such as Argo, and many of the major films which have a portion of the film shot in DC. Excellent discussion
of the duties of a location manager in the DC area.
- Studio A: Marshall Herskowitz
Herskovitz was a creator and executive producer of the television shows Thirtysomething, My So-Called Life, and Once and Again, and also wrote and directed several episodes of all three series. He frequently collaborates with Zwick, with whom he runs the film and television production company The Bedford Falls Company. Excellent discussion of TV series writing and production.
- Studio A: Angel Sepulveda
He is a filmmaker who has a lot of experience with music videos. Good discussion of low-budget filmmaking.
- Studio A: Michael Gabel
Michael Gabel is a DC actor with lots of experience in theater, TV and feature film. He describes his experiences as a character actor who works mostly in the DC area.
- Studio A: Craig Maniglia
Craig owns a post-production company. Good discussion of his experiences in running the day-to-day operations.
- Studio A: Rob Newcomb
Rob is a producer, actor, cameraman, filmmaker and GMU alum. He discusses his life and experiences, as well as details of the production side of the business.
- Studio A: Dionne Audain
Dionne is an African-American actor in the DC area, active in theater, TV, and film. Great discussion of her experiences as a DC area actor.
- Studio A: Roshini Thinakaran
Roshini is a journalist and filmmaker, and a GMU graduate. Her documentaries focus on women in war zones.
- Studio A: Jon Gann
Jon is a film festival coordinator, the founder of the DC Film Alliance, and DC Shorts Film Festival, Gann created theGannAgency (marketing and design services) and GannFilms (video and film production) - continuously run commercial enterprises since 1989. Excellent discussion of filmmaking and the film festival in DC.
- Studio A: Eric Espejo & Tanner Cooley
Eric is a film writer/director who is also VP of 19th & Wilson, Inc. a production company in northern Virginia.
- Studio A: Jeffrey Cooper
Jeffrey Cooper is the founder and president of Cut Entertainment Group, an international media sales and film distribution agency. Excellent discussion of the film distribution (sales) agency business (who connect film producers to theatrical distribution company).
- Studio A: Eduardo Sanchez
The co-writer, co-director, producer of The Blair Witch Project talks about his career and ground breaking films. Made for $20K, Blair Witch eventually made $240M. After Blair Witch, Eduardo Sanchez frequently partnered with Jamie Nash (also interviewed by GMU). Excellent discussion of the film business by a Maryland filmmaker.
- Studio A: Mark Peterson
Co-writer of At the Top of the Pyramid (2011)
- Studio A: Aaron Peters
Aaron is a TV writer. Excellent discussion of TV comedy. He has the opinion that breaking into comedy now is easier than before. He suggests if you can make a funny low-budget webseries, which enables you to build a large audience, you will get noticed. Nothing like that was possible years ago.
- Studio A: Mimi Machado-Luces
Mimi is Producer, Writer, Director and president of TVA productions. Excellent discussion of TV production, director and writer, primarily of non-fiction and documentaries programs.
- Studio A: Tim Gordon
Tim Gordon is a DC area film critic and WAFCA chairman. Excellent discussion of films and film criticism.
- Studio A: Catherine Wyler
Film producer (and daughter of William Wyler). Fascinating discussion of life as daughter of a Hollywood legend and as a film producer.
- Studio A: Joseph G. Hall
John is a local area director and producer of short films.
- Studio A: Diane Raver
Diane Raver was the first woman in New York City to own a film production company. Raver is a well-known film producer and the festival director for The Garden State Film Festival. She recently won the 2011 Alice Guy Blache Award. Excellent discussion of the life of a producer, even of commercials.
- Studio A: Dennis Boni
Dennis Boni is an award winning cinematographer working on such projects as the PBS series Journey to Planet Earth. A Steadicam operator for more than 20 years, Boni was one of the few cinematographers handpicked to be trained by Garret Brown, inventor of the Steadicam. Excellent discussion of the life of a DP focusing in the documentary/non-fiction world.
- Studio A: Michael Pack
Michael Pack is a Writer, Producer, and Director for such documentary films as Rediscovering George Washington and Rediscovering Alexander
Hamilton. Pack is President of Manifold Productions, Inc., an independent film and television production company, founded in 1977. From 2003-2006, he served as Senior Vice President for Television Programming at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
- Studio A: Kevin McCarthy
Kevin "BDK" McCarthy is a film critic in the Washington D.C. metro area. He began his movie reviewing career on "The Junkies Morning Show", heard on 106.7 WJFK-FM. He also hosts his own movie show on WJFK. In the summer of 2007, Kevin was hired as the movie reviewer for the Fox affiliate in Washington D.C.
- Studio A: Kathleen Jones
Kathleen Jones has served as Unit Coordinator for Special Units, Field Producer and Associate producer for various programs at National Geographic TV. She is also writer and co-founder of Doc&aDrink, a blog for those hooked on documentaries.
- Studio A: Christian D'Andrea
Christian D’Andrea is credited with co-developing a widely used energy bar for soldiers and civilians alike called SoldierFuel, an idea he came up with while working on HALO: Freefall Warriors, a documentary he created and executive produced for Discovery Communication, LLC networks. D’Andrea is currently producing Searching for God in Iraq, a six-part documentary series examining the presence of religion and the role of chaplains in the U.S. war in Iraq. Please visit storyfoundry.org for more information on upcoming projects.
- Studio A: Ron Maxwell
As an actor, writer, producer, and director, Ron F. Maxwell has a wealth of filmmaking experience. His titles include Little Darlings, Gettysburg, Gods and Generals, and Emmy award- winning Verna: USO Girl. For more information, visit: ronmaxwell.com.
- Studio A: Aviva Kempner
Aviva Kempner is a long time filmmaker whose works have covered a broad range of issues, both domestic and international. The Life and Times of Hank Greenberg is one of her most noted works. She served as the documentary’s writer, director, and producer. Kempner is also the founder of the Washington Jewish Film Festival and the Ciesla Foundation that is dedicated to producing and distributing films to educate the public on social issues of the past and present.
- Studio A: Ted Leonsis
Ted is a very successful and wealthy businessman who has funded some films,
in particular the documentary film Nanking.
- Studio A: Robert Henninger
Robert L. Henninger is President & CEO of the Arlington, Virginia based Henninger Media Services, Inc. Following a stint as a freelance editor, he founded what was then known as Henninger Video in 1983. In the last twenty-five years, Henninger Media Services, Inc. has grown to become one of the foremost full-service production facilities in the Washington Metropolitan area, having won multiple awards. Please visit henninger.com for more information.
- Studio A: Craig MacGowan
Craig MacGowan is a producer and director with over 35 years of experience in film, television, digital video and audio technology. MacGowan’s most recent documentary, The Face: Jesus in Art, won an Emmy for Outstanding Achievement in Single Camera Photography. He has also lent his talents to the PBS special The Body of Christ in the Art of Europe and New Spain 1150-1800. Please visit: voyagerproductions.com for information.
- Studio A: Barry Sisson
Barry R. Sisson is a businessman turned filmmaker and President of Virginia based independent Cavalier Films. His aim is to merge his business principles with independent film production. His first film project, The Station Agent, went on to win the coveted Audience award at the Sundance Film Festival and was picked up by Miramax Films. Sisson’s second film is Familiar Strangers.
- Studio A: Richard Squires
Richard Squires is an up and coming filmmaker whose recent credits include writer/director of Crazy Like a Fox, a story of a Virginia farmer’s struggles with betrayal and how he chooses to deal with it. The film's stars include Emmy award-winning actor Roger Rees and Academy award nominee Mary McDonnell.
- Studio A: Caren Cross
Caren Cross is a writer/director of documentary films. She wrote and directed the documentary Lost and Found in Mexico.
- Studio A: Holly and Paul Fine
Holly and Paul Fine are a husband and wife team of documentary producer/directors. With over 38 years of experience in the industry, their works have garnered ten National Emmy and 75 Local Emmy awards, as well as three Peabody awards. The couple has had a long association with the CBS news program 60 Minutes and has also produced a number of other television specials including In the Killing Fields of America. After leaving CBS, the Fines signed on with ABC to produce specials for hit series: 20/20, Turning Point, and Primetime Live.
- Studio A: Rita McClenny
Rita D. McClenny is a steadfast advocate of the entertainment industry operating in Virginia. She is the Vice President of Industry Relations
and Film for the Virginia Film office.
- Studio A: Sarah Stein
Sarah Stein has established her career as an editor and director of documentary films and television. She lent her talents to both Academy
and Emmy award-winning projects such as The Bolero, Princeton: A Search for Answers, and Chimps: So Like Us, among other critically acclaimed projects.
- Studio A: Cuong LeNguyen
Cuong LeNguyen was a Producer/Director for Arlington Public School in Virginia for which he co-produced and edited the series, Claro! English for Parents, a program geared toward parents for whom English is a second language. He was also the Senior Motion Graphics Designer at Home Front Communications in Washington, DC where he created commercials, PSAs and high-end videos for a wide range of commercial, non-profit, and government organizations. Cuong currently is an independent producer and motion graphics designer developing video content for clients that include Animal Planet, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation
- Studio A: Mark Stoeckinger
Mark Stoeckinger is the sound editor for such films as The Italian Job, Last Samurai, Mission Impossible, and Star Trek.
- Studio A: Michael Kang
Michael Kang is a NY-based writer and director, best known for his films, The Motel and Knots aka Four Wedding Planners.
- Studio A: Michael Walter
Michael Walter is a broadcast journalist turned filmmaker. His documentary film, "Breaking News, Breaking Down" reveals for the first time, how traumatic news events affects those who report them. "Breaking News, Breaking Down" won the 2010 Cannes Best Short Documentary Award.
- Studio A: Patricia Hess
Patricia Doherty Hess has film crew credits for a number of films with her most recent being production manager for Philomena, Night at the Museum:
Battle of the Smithsonian, Eagle Eye, Get Smart; as well as award winning TV mini-series Angels in America.
- Studio A: Ann Hornaday
Ann Hornaday is a Washington Post film critic.
- Studio A: John Kelly
John Kelly has worked as a freelance Production and Office Assistant for such shows as Law and Order, Gossip Girl, and A Legal Mind. Having
only been in the field of film and television since graduation from New York University in 2007, John’s views on the industry and how to
break into the field, offers students a glimpse of what they will face upon their own graduation.
- Studio A: Andrew Simpson
A look into the career of music composer and silent film accompanist, Andrew Simpson.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)