2020-07-19

Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 9)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).

This is a continuation of part 8.

*

That night, in Tam’s bedroom, Tam sits on Dmitrii, who’s tied down on her bed. Both are giggling and dressed in skimpy, sexy, spy-related bedroom outfits. Tam has a large feather which she teases Dmitrii with.

“I’ve got a top secret for you. It’s a hard target, under cover,” Dmitrii whispers.

Tam tickles Dmitrii and he squirms. “You’d better give that hard target to me, or else.”

“You’ll have to find it. I’ve been trained to resist your tickles.”

Tam applies the feather to Dmitrii’s armpits and he laughs and squirms. “I’ve got you now, DORHq double-agent Dmitrii.”

“Give me the best you’ve got!”

“I have a surprise for you.”

“Yeaah! I love surprises. Is Mattie hiding in the closet?” Dmitrii asks. Tam backs off. “Mattie? Gawd no. What the hell are you thinking? Are you in love with her?”

“No. I thought we were kidding around. Why? Aren’t you going out with Lincoln?” Dmitrii asks.

“I’ve never gone out with him. Not once.”

“It’s just you and me?”

“Just you and me, babe,” Tam says.

“Come here,” Dmitrii says in his sexy voice.

Tam resists. “No.”

“I just want to give you a tiny kiss,” Dmitrii begs. Tam lets him. As he kisses her more and more all over, she starts to moan. “You are so beautiful.”

“You’re a bad boy,” Tam says.

“I need to be punished.” She tickles Dmitrii and he squirms and laughs helplessly.

“I got your laptop back,” Tam says.

Dmitrii stops laughing. “What?”

“Seriously.”

“You are one hell of a very good girl. When can I have it back?” “Maybe tomorrow, assuming I’m satisfied. And I think you know what I mean.” Dmitrii smothers Tam in kisses and she dissolves in giggles.


*

Grekov drives behind a recent model DORHq van with Nimskii, in the passenger seat.

Nimskii’s dressed in a black nun’s habit-like outfit with a white collar. “I look silly in this disguise.”

“I won’t tell," Grekov says, hiding a snicker.

Outside the SESI headquarters, Tam sits on a bench. She’s wearing sunglasses and pretends to read a newspaper. She watches the SESI Agents entering and departing from the black concrete and glass building. She has a backpack, which she sets the laptop on the bench and opens it up. She whispers to herself. “I wonder if I can access the SESI wifi network from here. Password? What would Dmitrii use as a password?” Tam types ILoveYouTam. “It works! You are so sweet.”

About fifty feet away, Lan-Po and No-Wei peek around the corner of the SESI headquarters building. “That’s her. She’s got it,” No-Wei tells Lan-Po. Lan-Po is laser-focused. “I’ll get it,” Lan-Po says.

On her bench, Tam types on the laptop. “I’m in,” she says to herself.

Lan-Po and No-Wei sneak up on Tam. Lan-Po grabs the laptop from Tam and runs away with No-Wei close behind.

“Hey!” Tam yells.

Just then, coincidentally, Grekov and Nimskii drive past the SESI headquarters building. Nimskii sees Lan-Po and No-Wei take the laptop from Tam. “Do you see that?” he asks Grekov.

“What the hell?” Grekov pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a pair of binoculars and watches them approaching her van. Nimskii pulls a gun from his habit. “Should I kill them?” Nimskii asks.

“A gun is too risky. Get out and get it. Aren’t you glad you’re wearing a disguise?” Grekov asks.

Nimskii gets out and jogs up to the two thieves, knocks down No-Wei, pushes Lan-Po against a wall, punches him, grabs the laptop, and runs back to the van.

“That nun has a great right cross,” Lan-Po says, nursing a sore jaw.

Nimskii gets back in the van with the laptop. “That was easy.”

“Like taking candy from baby.” Grekov roars off.


*

This is continued here: part 10.

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