Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 10)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).

This is a continuation of part 9.

*

In the exercise gym at DORHq, two very fit DORHq agents, Joe and Joanna Mustardman, are on elliptical machines. They are 30-something brother and sister and throughout their exercising, they stay in perfect sync.

“Joe, my promotion board meets today. If passed up a second time for promotion –”

“It’s up or out, Joanna, I know. Just relax, you’ll be fine. You’re brother’s watching out for you. Do you believe in free will?”

“What does that have to do with my promotion?”

“Free will has everything to do with it. Listen. If you want to speed up, you put your mind to it. Right?” Both of them speed up on the elliptical at the same time.

“Or, I can slow down if I will it so,” Joanna says. Both grab a hand-towel, wipe sweat off their forehead and then slow down
to exactly the same speed, all in perfect sync.

“Exactly. If you put your mind to this promotion, you’ll get it. It’s a matter of free will.”

“No, Joe. You’re confusing free will with will power.”

“That’s exactly the kind of negative attitude that won’t get you promoted.” Tam enters. Joe and Joanna Mustardman stop pedaling and greet Tam at exactly the same time. “Tam!”

“I have an assignment for you two,” Tam says.

“Cappuccino?” Joe asks.

“How about a mochaccino?” Joanna asks.

“No, I don’t want you to get me any coffee. I want you to help out with an actual spy assignment. Hit the showers. I’ll meet you in your office in half an hour.” Tam leaves.

In sync, Joe and Joanna Mustardman smile and do a fist pump.

After getting cleaned up, Joe and Joanna sit in their shared office, in their neatly arranged desks. They are playing Rock-Paper-Sissors but each time they pick exactly the same thing.

Tam enters. “Listen up. It’s called Operation Mr Blue. Agent Freeman Penn is running it as we speak.”

“Joanna, here’s what you do. You –”

“Stop, Joe. Who’s in charge here, you? No. Tam is. What should I do, Tam?”

“Listen Joanna, when we raid SESI Headquarters, you take the SESI Agent guards out of commission. Then, you’ll get the credit when the operation is a success,” Joe says.

“That actually might work,” Tam says.

“See, Joanna? You’re brother’s looking after you.”

“I’ll share the credit with you,” Joanna says.

“I’ll kill you if you don’t,” Joe says.

“You’re confusing will power with kill power,” Joanna says. They laugh, in perfect sync.

“Good luck, you two. Oh, and if you see a SESI laptop, steal it. Now, I’ve got my own operation to get to,” Tam says as she exits.


*

The conclusion (finally!) is here: part 11.