Scene-by-scene breakdown of "The Ladykillers" (1955)

This film was written (story and screenplay) by William Rose and directed by Alexander Mackendrick (who also directed The Sweet Smell of Success, a film written by Ernest Lehman, also covered in this blog).

Scene-by-scene breakdown

1. Widow Mrs Wilberforce exits from her home on the edge of town. Her backyard looks over train tracks leading to a nearby train station. Walking through town, she greets townspeople, such as a beggar selling paintings and a street sweeper. She then goes to the police station to report a spaceship landing in her neighbor's yard. The Police Superintendent politely thanks her but, secretly, they think she is crazy. She leaves but forgets her umbrella. When a kind (fat) policeman reminds her, she says it’s old and she doesn’t like it but takes it with her.
2.  She returns home, where she lives alone with her parrots. She's followed home by a man who seems to be a mysterious stranger he rings the doorbell and asks about her room to rent this is Professor Marcus he asked to move in and to practice music with his friends in his room she is delighted he then leaves
3.  Marcus's friends arrive, four in total, all carrying musical instrument cases. They go upstairs to Marcus's room. They shut the door, put on a record of classical music and pretend to practice. Instead, they plot an armed robbery. They plan to have Mrs Wilberforce unwittingly help them get the money out of town.
4.  Mrs Wilberforce knocks and the Gang comically gets set up to appear as though they have been practicing. They stop the record and answer the door. Mrs Wilberforce offers tea. When she leaves they argue about leaving her out of their plans after all. They take a vote. It turns out that one of them, the “muscular dumb” Lawson, indicates he likes Mrs Wilberforce. That swings the vote back to their original plan.
5.  At the train station, Marcus spies on the movement of the money on the trains
6.  Back at Mrs Wilberforce’s house, she knocks on Marcus's door and offers tea to his four remaining friends. Then she asked for help giving her bird it’s medicine. Mr Robinson (played by Peter Sellers) volunteers to help her with her bird. In a comical scene, he is bitten by the bird and the bird flies away. Mr Lawson agrees to help with the bird but he only makes things worse. It's a scene of slapstick comedy.
7. This is the robbery scene. Using a coordination of cars and trucks, the gang (1) blocks policeman from the armored truck, (2) take over the armored truck using guns, (3) knock out the two drivers of the truck, (4) pry open the back of the truck, (5) transfer the money into a large shipping crate (a 4 ft tall trunk). This trunk is taken away in their car
8.  The getaway car with the trunk goes to the train station where Mr Robinson is disguised as a shipping clerk. He puts the trunk in with the other incoming crates and luggage.
9.  The police actively search all over town for the robbery suspects.
10.  Mrs Wilberforce unwittingly helps Marcus by collecting his trunk from the train station. He gave her the excuse that these are his books from Cambridge, but he will be unable to collect them. She leaves with the trunk but then returns to the train station because she forgot her umbrella. Again, she comments that she forgets it because it’s old and she doesn’t like it. She leaves again from the train station but stops in the street to help a horse being tormented by a man selling apples from his cart. A slapstick comedy scene involving policemen ensues. She then gets back in her car and the police help her deliver the trunk to her house
11.  The Gang reunites at the house of Mrs Wilberforce and carry the trunk upstairs. The police do not suspect Mrs Wilberforce or Marcus's friends of putting the money in the trunk. As Marcus and his friends prepare to leave, on the way out Lawson gets his cello case stuck in the front door. As he yanks hard to free it, the case spills open and cash falls out. Mrs Wilburforce sees this and becomes suspicious.
12. The Gang rushes back inside and tries to convince Mrs Wilberforce that the money she saw was obtained legally. She doesn't believe their story. The doorbell rings and four of Mrs Wilberforce's friends arrive for a pre-scheduled tea party. These are all elderly women and are delighted to see Marcus and his friends there to join them in their tea party. Now Marcus and his friends don't know what to do – they can't kidnap all these women. One of the ladies invited over for tea has brought a newspaper. The newspaper informs them of all of the robbery and the amount of money stolen. Mrs Wilberforce now knows what Marcus and his friends have done. Without telling her tea party friends, she ushers the ladies all into the sitting room with the parrots. She then returns to the hallway to confront Marcus and his friends.
13. At this point Mrs Wilberforce, treats Marcus and his friends as though they are young children even though in fact they are older men. She tells Marcus and his friends that she is shocked and appalled at their behavior. They pretend to be ashamed and embarrassed at being caught. It is clear from her attitude she knows what they did but the robbery is never discussed explicitly. She explains to them that they must act like gentlemen and have tea with her friends. Lawson is especially impressed with her charm and grace.
14. Marcus and his friends enter the sitting room and have tea with the ladies and listen to one of the ladies sing a song.
15. The tea party over, the ladies have left, and Mrs Wilberforce confronts the Gang, again treating them again as little children. Marcus pretends to be ashamed and explains the money was insured and the bank doesn't want the money back. He explains the insurance company will simply distribute the cost of its loss throughout all of its customers, amounting to merely a farthing each. They tell Mrs Wilberforce a sad story of an invalid that the money is needed for. Mrs Wilberforce does not believe the story or at least says it doesn’t matter - it’s still wrong.
16.  Before Lewis, the most violent of the friends of Marcus, can do anything the doorbell rings. The same (fat) policeman who returned Mrs Wilberforce’s forgotten umbrella at the station is at the door. (It is now night outside.) Before she answers the door, Marcus and his friends convince Mrs Wilberforce that the police will think she is involved with the robbery. She believes them and is worried what the police will think (as though they were her friends) will think of her. Marcus says to tell the policeman nothing and convince him to go away. She accepts this and so she answers the door in an unfriendly manner. The policeman just says that he wants to check in on her. She tells him to go away. The policeman is surprised at her gruff attitude but then leaves.
17.  Again, she addresses Marcus and his friends and she insists that the money they stole be returned. They all get upset, but act ashamed. She says they should go to the police station and turn themselves in. She says if they don't she will go by herself and turn herself in.
18. Upstairs in Marcus's room with the door closed, the Gang discusses killing her. Mrs Wilberforce knocks and interrupts them saying they should go now to the police station. They say it's still raining outside and they will go when it stops raining. She agrees and leaves. Once Mrs Wilberforce is gone, Marcus and his friends draw straws for who should kill her (this is at approximately minute 63 of the 90 minute movie).
19. The Major, the kindest of Marcus' friends, draws the short straw but begs off the job of killing Mrs Wilberforce. Lewis, the most violent of them, threatens the major with a knife. So the Major is forced to go downstairs. He returns upstairs and tells them to tell Mrs Wilberforce that he wants to talk with her upstairs in their room. They all leave and Mrs Wilberforce comes upstairs. The Major tells her that he will go to the police and escapes out the upstairs window taking the money with him
20.  The others discover that he is on the roof and chase after the Major. They catch him and recover the money but Mrs Wilberforce takes the money and locks it away in a storage trunk. Lewis kills the major without Mrs Wilberforce seeing that he's done this. Mrs Wilburforce goes to her sitting room and tells Marcus she's exhausted and will nap until the rain stops and the police arrive. She still thinks that the Major has gone to the police.
21.  Marcus and the remaining Gang draw straws again to decide who will kill Mrs Wilberforce. However, Lawson refuses to comply and insists that no one hurt Mrs Wilberforce. Marcus tricks Lawson, who's not very bright, and tells him to go put the Major in a wheelbarrow so they can dispose of his body. Once Lawson leaves, the others draw straws and Mr Robinson gets the short straw.
22.  Marcus and Lawson dispose of the Major by dumping his body into a passing empty train container as the trains pass through a tunnel going underneath Mrs Wilberforce's backyard.
23. Mr Robinson enters the sitting room where Mrs Wilberforce is sleeping. Instead of killing her, he sees the key to the trunk that she locked the money in. He takes the key, opens the trunk, steals the money, and escapes out the door.
24. Lawson returns and sees Mrs Wilberforce asleep but he thinks that she is dead. He's enraged that someone has killed Mrs Wilberforce. Afraid for his life, Lewis points to Mr Robinson who is running away outside. Lawson chases Mr Robinson down and kills him. The case with the money is left outside.
25. Lawson then runs inside to kill Marcus and Lewis but the noise awakens Mrs Wilberforce. Lawson, stunned that she is alive, stops attacking Marcus and Lewis. She asks where the cello case went. Lawson tells her that it is outside. He goes and gets the cello case with the money and gives it back to her. She puts it back in the sitting room.
26. Mrs Wilberforce is very disappointed with Marcus, again treating them as children. She returns to the sitting room to guard the cello case with all the money while she waits for the police.
27. Marcus, out in the hallway, privately whispers to Lawson to put Mr Robinson's body in the wheelbarrow to dispose of it, just as they disposed of the Major. Lawson refuses, saying he will stay with Mrs Wilberforce to protect her.
28. Mrs Wilburforce in the sitting room tells Lawson the story of her husband, who passed away many years ago at sea. She tells him that the parents that she keeps were his parrots. They remind her of her dead husband, who was a decent man. She wonders why the police are taking so long to arrive but then falls asleep for another nap.
29. Out in the hallway, Marcus and Lewis go out back to dispose of Mr Robinson in the wheelbarrow. While they are dumping Mr Robinson's body into an empty train container, they plot to kill Lawson and Mrs Wilberforce together. However, Lawson appears behind them and tells them he heard their entire conversation. He points to the gun that he holds in his hand and says “who looks stupid now?” then pulls the trigger to kill them. Nothing happens. The gun won’t fire.
30. Marcus and Lewis have killed Lawson and are disposing of his body. Lewis examines Lawson's gun and tells Marcus “he left his safety catch on” as they dump Lawson into an empty train container. The steam from the steam train engulfs them and Marcus escapes (knowing that Lewis wants to kill him to keep all the money for himself).
31. Lewis hunts for Marcus outside around the train station but Marcus has hidden behind some bushes. In this scene, they chase each other in the dark but eventually Marcus kills Lewis. A moment later a train signal falls on Marcus's head and he too dies.
32.  Mrs Wilberforce awakes the next morning and goes to the police. She tells the police about the money and the robbery. They don't believe her. She asks what she should do with the money they say to keep it.
33. She walks through town. S gives the begger selling paintings a bill of money. It's so much he calls after her thinking she's made a mistake. She ignores him. She's very happy because now she has enough money to buy a new umbrella.

Scene-by-scene breakdown of "The Ladykillers" (2004)

This film was written (screenplay only) by the Coen brothers, Ethan and Joel, based on a story by William Rose, and directed by the Coen brothers.

Scene-by-scene breakdown

Time: 1990s

Place: Mississippi

1. Widow Mrs Munson enters the town police station where Sheriff Wyner is resting behind his desk. She reports a neighbor playing loud hip-hop music. After stating several obscure biblical references, she leaves. The Sheriff is puzzled by the meaning of the lesson she’s trying to convey.
2. She returns home, where she lives alone with her cats. The backyard of her home runs down to the river and the casino office where money is processed. Professor Dorr rings her doorbell and, after a comical scene involving her cat Pickles, he asks about her room to rent. After viewing her root cellar he asks to move in and to practice music in the cellar with his friends, She agrees and he then leaves. In this scene we learn of Mrs M’s love for the church and Bob Jones University.
3.  Various scenes, not really a montage, introduce Prof Dorr’s “musician” friends, the “Gang”: Hudson (young, strong, not very bright), Gawain (confident but impulsive), the General (hard working, fit), and Pancake (explosive expert). Gawain has gotten a job working for the casino as a janitor, with access to the money room.
4.  Mrs Munson attends church and listens to a lively baptist gospel choir and a sermon. We learn how devoted she is.
5. Prof Dorr and his friends arrive to practice in the root cellar. They each bring musical instrument cases. They play a boom box to pretend they are practicing. Instead they plan the casino robbery.
6.  A series of shots showing the Gang at work digging a tunnel and emptying bags of dirt taken out of the root cellar.
7.  Back at Mrs Munson’s house, she knocks on the cellar door. They comically hurry to get seated to pretend they were practicing. She came to show Prof. Dorr the fife carved out of wood by her deceased husband. She reminiscences over her husband in a touching scene.
8. Gawain follows a pretty young casino patron and, in an attempt to complement her, won’t stop catcalling her with sexual suggestions. He is fired immediately by his boss, Mr Grudge.
9. The Gang gathers in a Waffle Hut to try to figure out what to do. They decide to get Gawain rehired by giving Grudge a bribe. Pancake’s girlfriend, Mountain Girl, joins the team.
10. Prof. Dorr and Mrs Munson listen to music in her sitting room.  He reads, she knits, and the rest of the Gang prepares an explosion to remove a rock that is blocking the tunnel-digging efforts. Dorr gives Mrs M tickets to a gospel concert in Memphis and has paid for transportation for her. (The plan is the the explosion will occur when she is away.)
11. Knock, knock! Sheriff Wyner appears at the door, telling her he has spoken to the neighbor about the noise. She invites him in. He enters but Prof. Dorr has disappeared. (He has hidden under his bed until the Sheriff leaves.)
12. At the casino offices, Gawain presents Mr Grudge with a box of chocolates, a card with an apology and a $100 bill. Grudge allows him back for a 1 week probationary period.
13. The Gang works on the tunnel in the root cellar of Mrs Munson’s house. Pancake is drilling a rock with a power drill. He tries to relate to Gawain, but merely gets into an argument with him. Mrs. Munson knocks at the door. They rush to take their seats and turn off the boombox. Mrs Munson carries cookies downstairs, announcing she is about to leave with her friend to see the gospel choir concert.. The Gang each take a cookie politely and Prof. Dorr escorts her back upstairs.
14. The rest of the Gang discusses the detonation procedure, which Pancake plans to set off once Prof. Dorr returns.
15. It is now night time. In the front yard, Prof. Dorr escorts Mrs M and her friend to their waiting limo, telling them a story about his crazy father. Just as the ladies get in the limo, there is an explosion coming from the direction of the house. This noise alarms Mrs M but Prof. Dorr comically tries to calm her down and get her on her way to the gospel concert.
16. Dorr rushes inside, greeted by smoke and chaos. Pancake has blown off a finger. Unseen by the Gang, the cat has found the missing finger and has run off. Dorr and the others take Pancake outside and tell Mrs M that Pancake has caught his finger in the sackbut (a musical instrument) and they will rush him to the hospital. Pickles runs up a tree with the finger and the General chases after him. They urge her to leave to catch her concert, promising that the General will fetch Pickles. She does.
17. Now bandaged, Pancake and Dorr discuss the blasting and that they are on track to penetrate the vault of the casino that afternoon.
18. Gawain wheels his garbage bin across the casino floor.
19. Simultaneously, Mrs Munson sings at her church choir practice.
20. Gawain is inside the vault room. He hears a power drill from the other side of the wall. A drill bit breaks through.
21. Simultaneously, Mrs Munson continues singing at choir practice.
22. Pancake and the General stuff bills into garbage bags. Gawain gawks at all the cash. Pancake’s stomach grumbles. He has IBS and it’s an emergency. Gawain helps him get to a bathroom.
23. The General, Hudson, and Pancake take bags of money through the tunnel back to Mrs M’s root cellar. While they do that, Gawain patches up the wall to the vault.
24. Simultaneously, Mrs Munson is finished and leaves her church choir practice.
25. Pancake, Hudson and the General return to the root cellar, greeted by Prof Dorr. They celebrate with a drink. Pancake looks at his watch and wonders why the detonation to close the tunnel has not gone off.
26. Simultaneously, Mrs Munson returns home and makes a cup of tea.
27. Pancake re-enters the tunnel to check on the detonation fuse. He fiddles with it and the timer starts. He gets out of the tunnel as fast as possible.
28. Simultaneously, Mrs Munson returns home and prepares for a tea party.
29. Just as Pancake reaches the root cellar the detonation blasts him out of the tunnel.
30. Upstairs, Mrs Munson feels the explosion and tries to figure out what just happened. She goes to the cellar door, goes down the steps and sees the smoke and a lot of money. She tells Prof. Dorr that she needs to have a talk with him. Her doorbell rings. She looks at the General and tells him, “I told you not to smoke.” She returns up the cellar door.
31. (page 64 or 91) She answers her front door. A bunch of her friends from church enter.
32. Downstairs, the Gang is scared, except for Prof Dorr. They are concerned Mrs M knows what they are doing. “She saw the hole,” one says. Prof. Dorr puts on maximum charm and walks up the stairs to the living room.
33. Prof Dorr asks Mrs Munson for a moment to speak with her privately. Mrs Munson hishes him up and tells him to go back downstairs. She shall go down and speak with him shortly. He leaves. She tells her church friends, “He’s the tenant.”
34. Prof Dorr goes downstairs to his chastised Gang. When Mrs M joins them she treats them like misbehaving teenagers. She insists they come up and play their musical instrument for her group of church ladies. They go upstairs, without Gawain (who is still in the casino offices). Prof Dorr begs off a musical recital and offers a recital of a poem of Edgar Allan Poe instead. At the end of the poem, Gawain arrives.
35. The Gang says goodbye to the group of ladies. Mrs M now wants to know what has been going on downstairs. Prof Dorr tells her a story of the General’s cigarette lighting up a natural gas “motherlode”. As for the money, Dorr says it’s Pancake’s money. He needs the cash to pay for an operation for his common law wife and doesn’t trust banks. Mrs M doesn’t believe it and plans to call the Sheriff. Dorr begs to talk with her in private.
36. They go to the living/sitting room. Dorr confesses that they are criminals but the casino’s money is insured. The insurance company will spread its loss over its other customers at a cost of only a penny each. However, if she lest them leave they will contribute a large sum to Bob Jones University. She thinks about it but doesn’t agree. She says give the money back or I’ll call the police. Also, they must all attend church with her next Sunday.
37. Prof Dorr returns to the cellar and discusses it with his Gang. They decide that one of them must kill her. They draw straws. Gawain gets the short straw.
38. As Gawain sneaks behind Mrs M, with a gun hidden behind a pillow he has a flashback to when he wanted a puppy and his mom slapped him over and over while his siblings watched. Mrs M turns around and confronts him, telling him she’s displeased that he’s gotten involved with that white trash. Gawain slinks back downstairs.
39. Gawain confesses she reminds him of his mother and he can’t do it. He and Pancake get in a fight. Gawain shoots himself in the process and dies.
40. While Prof Dorr distracts Mrs Munson, the general and Hudson carry Gawain, in a large trash bag, out of the house and into their car (a hearse, in fact). They drive off to dump Gawain’s body. Prof Dorr tells Mrs Munson that they plan to return all the money tomorrow morning and to attend church with Mrs M next Sunday.
41. On a bridge over the river, Hudson and the General dump Gawain’s body into a garbage boat heading out to the nearby garbage dump.
42. As Hudson and the General return, Pancake sneaks out with the money, planning to meet Mountain Girl in a waiting VW bus. The General catches him and kills him before he gets away.
43. Prof Dorr watches on the same bridge as the General and Hudson dump Pancake’s body into a passing garbage boat.
44. They return to the cellar and draw straws once again for who should kill Mrs Munson. The General gets the short straw.
45. Just as he is about to strangle the sleeping Mrs Munson in her 2nd story bedroom he accidentally swallows his cigarette and stumbles quietly out of the bedroom and falls down the stairs, dead.
46. Prof Dorr and Hudson look at the General, dead. Dorr tells Hudson he must finish the job. Hudson says he can’t kill an old lady. He’d rather go to prison. Dorr says if he must do it himself, he will keep all the money. Hudson says he can’t allow Dorr to hurt the old lady. Dorr says he’s the brains and runs the operation, while he is just a stupid boy. Hudson points a gun at him. Saying (as in the 1955 version), “Who looks stupid now?” Hudson pulls the trigger but nothing happens. Hudson looks into the chamber of the gun and BANG, he shoots himself dead.
47. On the bridge, Prof Dorr dumps the body of Hudson onto a garbage boat. Just then a piece of masonry from the bridge falls and hits Dorr on the head, knocking him over the railing, his body falling into the garbage boat below.
48. The next morning, Mrs Munson goes to Sheriff Wyner and tells him of the robbery and the money left in her basement. He doesn’t believe her. As in the 1955 film, she says she should just keep it.

Detour, revisited (short story 28)

  Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories. This is a spoof on part of the film noir "Detour". I love the film, and write a post about it ("Public domain film noir: Detour (1945)"), but parts are unintentionally funny and inspired me to write the story below.

* Roberts has his thumb out and his ratty old sports jacket buttoned up as best as he can. His fedora is pulled down to try to keep out the cold. It’s only in the 50s but the wind is blowing along this long flat stretch of highway in South Dakota, which makes it seem colder. An old guy in a rusty old Ford 150 pulls up. “Where are you headed?” the old man asks. “LA,” Roberts says. “Sounds good.” “Okay, hop in then. My name’s Sam.” Sam unlocks the door. “Thank you,” Roberts says climbing in. “Al Roberts.” Roberts takes off his hat, placing it on his knee, and unbuttons his jacket. “It’s getting a bit chilly out there, compared to Kentucky.”

“You started out in Kentucky? Ain’t ya a little far north for LA?” “Yeah, but I hitched a ride from a trucker in Kentucky and this is where he was going. It was west, so I stayed with him.” “Yeah, South Dakota is west of Kentucky, I’ll give ya that. I’m going to Montana.” “So, you're from Kentucky?” “No, I’m from North Carolina, near the coast. Born and raised.” “Why leave? What’s in LA?” “Movies. I want to be an actor.” “You done any acting in movies I've seen?” “I did some community theater. And I did some commercials.” They chat off and on until they’re a good ways into Montana. Not one thing Roberts says is true. Sam didn’t believe him, or care much anyway. Sam didn’t think much of hitch-hikers. After Rt 90 joins Rt 94, Sam pulls into a truck stop. “We’re just outside Billings. This is where it ends for me. You can hitch a ride on Rt 90 to Butte then get out and hitch a ride south towards LA on Rt 15.” “Thanks much, Sam,” Roberts says, getting out. Roberts thought about killing Sam but just couldn’t get in the mood. Besides, Sam’s truck smelled funny and he didn’t want to drive to LA in a smelly truck. As Roberts gets out, Sam looks behind him at the truck bed. The top of Janice’s knitted cap sticks out of the tarp. The blood is visible from his angle, but not Roberts'. Janice was the last hitcher. Sam makes a mental note to readjust the tarp when he stops for gas. He liked riding with Janice more than with Roberts, and was glad to be rid of him. There’s a bus station down the block. After Sam drives away, Roberts walks to the bus station and buys a ticket for a bus to Butte, then goes into the men’s room to wash off.

* Roberts has his thumb out and his ratty old sports jacket buttoned up as best as he can. His fedora is pulled down to try to keep out the cold. Behind him is a sign for Rt 15. In short order, two girls up front and a guy in back, all in their late teens stop next to Roberts. “We’re going to Reno,” Betsy says. She's blond with a pink t-shirt. “I’m headed for LA, but Reno sounds good to me,” Roberts says. “We’ll give you a ride if you buy food and gas,” Ginger says. She's a red-head with hard expression and a temper. “I can do that.” The guy unlocks the back door. “Are you a serial killer?” George asks with a smart-alecky grin. George seems charming and easy-going. It's a good act. “How did you know?” Roberts laughs. “I’m Al.” “I’m George, she’s Betsy and she’s Ginger.” “Thanks for picking me up.” They chat, tell jokes, eat in restaurants, all the way to Reno. Roberts makes sure they all order dessert in the Applebee's they stop in located 10 miles outside Reno. On the road, Roberts hears faint, muffled yells and bumping sounds coming from the trunk. He notices George eye him after each one, so Roberts launches into a new joke or riddle to deflect the attention. He figures it was someone who didn’t pay the bill. He’d do the same if her were them. They drop him off at a truck stop in Reno.

* Outside that Reno truck stop, Roberts has his thumb out and his ratty old sports jacket flipped over his shoulder. It’s a nice day and he’s looking all cleaned up after a hot shower in the truck stop bathroom. A preacher with a blue clerical shirt and tab collar drives by in a beat up old Toyota. About 30 yards down the road she stops and puts the car in reverse. Roberts walks towards her to meet her halfway, and is a bit shocked to find the preacher is a woman. "Rubenesque" is the phrase that pops into Roberts' mind. She's a big woman, big arms, big hips. She cranks the passenger window down, as the car’s too old for electric power windows. “Would you like a ride?” she asks. “I’m going to LA,” Roberts says. “So am I. I passed you by but felt sorry for you.” "Thank you." Roberts gets in. He notices a dog asleep in the back on a blanket. "That's Betsy, my old yorkie-doodle. She's twelve," she says. “Sweet dog. I love terriers. I’m really glad you stopped. Are you a preacher?” “I’m Reverend Helen Ratchet of the Episcopal Church of Bakersfield, but you can call me Helen.” “Al Roberts. I got a degree in philosophy from UVa but didn’t have a course on religon per se.” “The University of Virginia?” “In Charlottesville. I was born there.” “A long way from there to Los Angeles. What’s in LA for you?” “I’m visiting my brother. I save money hitch-hiking. Little known fact: if you want to be rich, don’t get a degree in philosophy! Ha, ha.” Reverend Helen laughs at that too. “I know what you mean.” They chat off and on until they’re just outside LA. Besides disguising her annoyance at Roberts smell, which she’s good at, not one thing she says is true. But Roberts lies about everything too, which she sees clear as day. After a long day of driving, she pulls over on a deserted section of a highway near a cliff. “... and so the bartender says, ‘Is the Pope catholic?’ Ha, ha. I love that joke. Well, Al, here we are. LA’s not far now. Thanks for the company.” Al just stares blankly at the dashboard. “Let me help you,” Reverend Helen says, getting out of the car and walking around to the passenger side. She opens the door. Roberts has a huge knife sticking out of his chest. She leans him towards her and twists him around so she can grab him under his arms. With a heave-ho, she pulls and drags him out of the car over to the cliff, then pushes him over. Reverend Helen gets back in the car. Betsy wakes up and stretches. Helen pets Betsy behind the ears and and drives off. “The liars have a certain smell, don't you think Betsy?” she says to herself. She pulls out a pine scented spray can from under the seat and sprays the passenger seat. “Much better.”

Nate the Happy Painter (short story 27)

  Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

* Nate, in well-worn shorts and a faded t-shirt, searches for coffee in the kitchen he shares with three others. There are dishes in the sink, the pantry is bare except for some cans of spegetti, and the refrigerator only has moldy cheese in a baggie and some peanut butter. There’s actually more food caked on the walls, stove and oven that in the fridge and panty. No coffee in this drawer ... nor in that. Under the sink? Nope. He washes his stubbly face in the sink, and dries off with the dirty dish towel. Nate goes back to the kitchen table and his notebook and plops down in the chair. Tired, coffeeless.

The phone rings. He lets it go, he knows it’s not for him. “Answer the phone,” says room mate George. It’s probably for George, Nate knows. It rings again.

“Answer the fucking phone,” says Tom. It could be for Tom. Probably George though. It rings again.

“Goddamn it, answer the phone,” yells Derek. Derek is having sex right now with his girlfriend Mary, so he can’t bother answeringing up.

Nate picks up on the fourth ring. “Yeah?”

“Nate? This is Brandon.”

“Haven’t heard from you in awhile.”

“Well, Anna and I have been busy fixing up our last house.”

“How many do you have now?”

“Uhhmmm, I don’t know. Six? No, seven now. We just bought another one. Forty five hundred square feet. In fact, that’s what I called you about.”

“Yeah, I can paint it for you.”

“You read my mind! Anna loved the job you did on our last house. Here’s the deal: we got an estimate of five thousand from a local company. Will you do it for three? We’ll buy the paint, drop clothes, brushes, rolls, everything.”

“How long?”

“Actually, we’re going on vacation, touring Europe and then we’re visiting Anna’s parents. It’s just be you in the house. Can you finish in three weeks?”

“No problem.”

“I’ll stock up the panty with food before we go.”

“Do you have a coffee machine?”

“I’ll make sure your all set with a coffee machine . Thanks man, you’re really saving us a lot of money.”

“No problem.”

“Come over and Anna will tell you what paint schemes she’s got in mind. I’ll send the address. It’s about fifty miles out of the city. Take a taxi. We’ll pay for it.”

“I’ll get packed and be there in a two or three hours.”

* Anna, Brandon stand in the middle of the living room with Nate. The entire house is practically empty, but the floors are clean and the walls are dirty. Anna and Brandon look like a typical young yuppie couple in love. In old sorts and shirt, Nate looks ... well, like he’s about to start painting a house.

“Egg-shell white,” Anna says, indicating the gallons of paint and supplies in the corner of the room. Nate checks them to make sure he’s got enough. He nods, “White.”

All three move into the dining room. “Princess Ivory,” Anna says with a sweep of her arms, “a very soft yellow.” Nate checks the color sample on the cans and nods, “Light yellow.”

They pass to the neighboring kitchen area. “Summer Lily,” Anna says. Nate checks the color sample on the cans and nods, “Yellow.”

Brandon shows Nate the fridge and panty stocked with food. This continues on to the library, the foyer, and all the other rooms on the first floor. They all move up to the second floor. “All the bedroom will be two-tone, two walls one color, two walls another.” They move from bedrrom to bedroom, checking colors and supplies. The second floor also has a small reading room/office. “This one will be two-tones, but the upper half is Vienna Violet and the bottom half is Breeze Blue.” Nate nods, “simple enough.”

They go back to the first floor. “Any questions?” Brandon asks.

“Where do I sleep?”

“The basement, which is also where the coffee machine is,” Brandon says.

“There’s also a bed, bathroom, and the washer and dryer. You can paint the basement however you like.”

“Anything?”

“The limit is your imagination,” Anna says with a smile.

“Cool.” At this Nate cracks a small smile.

* Nate stands at the front door looking outside, waving to Anna and Brandon driving away. “Have fun on your trip!” Anna tooks the hork and zips down the road.

Nate shuts the door and heads downstairs. “First things first,” Nate says to himself. He gets a workspace set up for writing, makes coffee, sets a timer on his cellphone for 2 hours, and sits down at his laptop. Tap, tap, his fingers march a slow beat. Tap, tap. He types a sentence, then deletes it. This goes on for two hours. Ding, he cellphone alarm goes off. He finishes his coffee and heads upstairs.

“White room,” he says making his way to the living room. He lays painters cloth, applies painters tape to the edges, mixes the paint, and gets to work. By the evening, it’s finished. He cleans the brushes in the basement tub, then heads to the kitchen for food. He eats and reads a novel he brought along, turns out the lights and goes to bed.

The next morning, he gets up, makes coffee, sets a timer on his cellphone for 4 hours, and sits down at his laptop. Tap, tap. Same routine. He gets a couple of pages out, but he’s not happy. Ding, he cellphone alarm goes off. He finishes his coffee and heads upstairs.

“Light yellow,” he says making his way to the dining room. You know the drill.

Next day, same thing, different room. A few more pages. Each day on the first floor is about the same. The writing is difficult, and not many pages come out.

The second week, Nate starts painting the second floor. More colors to use when painting the bedrooms. Each room is two-tone, and the colors are a little more variety. Pages come out a little better, not much, but a little. His best writing effort is that day when he paints the small reading room/office in light purple and blue.

* The third week is his last week in the house. He can use whatever colors he likes in whatever pattern he wants. His creative side comes alive and his page production explodes. Each morning he gets up earlier and earlier and, each morning, and the words fly off the page non-stop until the alarm goes off. When he paints, he paints quickly and confidently, with a clear vision. He uses a variety of brushes, and colors but, on occasion, will paint over a section he doesn’t like or needs to be revisited. He paints everything using a different composiiton. Even the inside of a door to the bathroom is painted different than the outside.

Coincidentally, as he finished the last space, his cellphone rings. “How’s it going? We’ll be there tomorrow morning,” Brandon says.

“Just finished,” Nate says.

* Nate’s back in his kitchen, in the apartment he shares with Derek and George and Tom. The same dishes are still in the sink, but the panty is full and the fridge is well-stocked. Now, there’s actually less food caked on the walls, stove and oven than in the fridge and panty. Nate starts to brew coffee. He pulls out his favorite cub from the cabinet in anticipation.

* Brandon and Anna are downstairs with Susan Gessen, an art gallery owner. “Five thousand for the door,” Susan says.

“How much for that wall?” Anna asks, pointing to the large wall with an abstract mural.

“Fifty thousand, if I can get extract it safely.”

“We covered the wall with wallpaper then canvas over that,” Brandon says.

“How much for the whole thing?”

“Ninety thousdand.”

“Deal,” Anna and Brandon say at the same time.

* Nate sips fresh coffee from his favorite cup. His cellphone rings. “Hey, man, I still have your routing number, so I just did a direct deposit in lieu of a check. Hope that’s okay,” Brandon says.

“I saw it. Three thoughsand dollars really helps, thanks,” Nate says.

“No, man, thank you.”

“Anytime you need a house painter, let me know.”

“Funny you should mention that, we might be buying another place in a few months after doing so renovations on this place. New appliances, some landscaping, that sort of thing.”

“Cool, hit me up then. Later,” Nate says hanging up.

Script breakdown and film review of "Jennifer's Body"

 The 2009 comedy-horror film Jennifer's Body was directed by the extremely talented Karyn Kusama and written by the even more talented (if that's possible) Diablo Cody. 

This 2009 comedy-horror takes place in Devil's Kettle, a small-town in Minnesota. It tells the story of a cold, snarky HS student Jennifer (Megan Fox) who's assaulted by some Satan worshippers and turns into a succubus. There are a lot of movies in this genre but this one gets my vote for the best of all of them. Rather than told from Jennifer's POV, it's told from the perspective of her much kinder, smarter bestie Anita, who everyone calls "Needy" (engagingly acted by Amanda Seyfried). How does Needy react to Jennifer's odd behavior? How does the behavior affect her own relationships, with Jennifer, with her boyfriend Chip, her friends at school?

One reason I think this is a great script to study is that Diablo Cody is a Acadamy Award winning screenwriter (for Juno), and it clearly shows in the detailed interpersonal dynamics surrounding Needy. Thanks to Cody's careful wordsmithery (if that's a word) we see the story from the perspective of someone losing a friend (an evil spirit has taken over Jennifer) but not her life (as Jennifer is not really evil enough to kill Needy). With a confident voice, this script tells a compelling story with especially strong dialogue, full of clever idioms, and creative visuals. This script is different from most horror scripts in the sense that it tells the story of a non-sympathetic character (Jennifer) entirely from the POV of a sympathetic one who's not a victim. (A comedy-crime/horror film that uses a similar narrative device is that of Arsenic and Old Lace, written by Academy Award winners Julius and Philip Epstein and directed by another incredibly talented director, Frank Capra.) A second reason I think this is a good example to study is because it is directed by Karyn Kusama, an exceptionally talented filmmaker (who also directed the truly frightening horror film, The Invitation). 

Massive spoilers ahead. 

Breakdown: 

* The film opens with a flash-forward. Needy is confined in a women's correctional (mental) hospital. We see a bit of what her life is like there, with exercise and cafeteria meals, and so on.

* Another flashback to how Needy actually got there: she killed Jennifer, then even bragged about it to the police who arrested her.

* The main story opens as a much further flashback to two months earlier (which we'll call "present day", as the script does). The town is established, and the main characters (Needy, Jennifer, Chip) are established in their school environment. Chip is a drummer in the marching band, Jennifer is a cheerleader on the flag team, and Needy is just a sweet girl who's been friends with Jennifer since they were children. In a voice over (which might have been cut in the film), the relationship between the girls is described:

NEEDY (V.O.)

... back then, we were tight. Sisters, practically. People found it hard to believe that a babe like Jennifer would associate with a dork like me. But we’d been the Wonder Twins since we were practically preverbal. Sandbox love never dies.

* Jennifer tells Needy they are going out tonight (it's Thursday) to watch a rock band "Soft Shoulder" play at a local bar (Needy and Jennifer are 16-17 years old). Needy doesn't want to go but doesn't like disappointing her friend, so agrees.

* Before Jennifer is to pick up Needy, Chip sits on Needy's bed as they talk about her "date" with Jennifer. He complains about the seedy bar and then they start to make out. That's quickly interrupted by Jennifer arriving to pick up Needy. I like this exchange to describe Jennifer:

CHIP

I think you forgot, like, two buttons.

NEEDY

I think remembered two buttons.

(Sadly, I can't keep quoting great lines because I'd never finish this review.)

* The get to the "club" as Jennifer calls it - really a crowded crappy bar with a few pool tables on one end and a stage at the other - and Jennifer talks disparagingly about those there she knows.

* The band shows up - "all stylish and shit" as Jennifer says, and they start to set up their instruments as Jennifer flirts with them. The band leader Nikolai takes a liking to her. Jennifer goes off to get them a drink and Nikolai says to his bassist "She's exactly what we're looking for." Somehow they get convinced Jennifer's a virgin (the treatment here is different in the script than in the movie.)

* The band starts their set and a fire breaks out. Needy and Jennifer escape through the bathroom window while lots of people get trapped inside and die.

* Nikolai and his band escape the fire. Outside, Nikolai asks Jennifer to join him in his van. Needy pleads to Jennifer to leave with her but Jennifer get in the van. (Not clear how Needy got the keys to Jennifer's car here.) Needy magically goes home.

* From her bedroom, Needy calls Chip, waking him up, and they talk about the fire that burned the bar to the ground. Chip is obviously concerned and asks is he should come over. While they talk, the doorbell rings. They hang up.

* Needy answers the door but no one is there. She shuts the door and finds Jennifer, covered in blood, inside. Jennifer attacks her, scaring Needy to death. Needy screams then Jennifer vomits blood and gore before leaving.

* That night, Needy cleans up the mess made by Jennifer.

* In chemistry class the next day, Jennifer acts as though nothing happened. If anything, she might even be slightly more self-centered (if that's possible). Their chemistry teacher gives a speech that

the day will be one of remembrance for those who died in the fire, including nine students. A football jock, Jonas, sobs in the front row. Jennifer's reaction:

JENNIFER

(dry)

Oh look, they're united in grief. That'll last.

* After class, Needy hurries to talk to Chip. She tells him about Jennifer's visit. He's supportive but doesn't believe her. A goth, Colin, passes by and tells Needy he's glad she made it out okay.

* Jonas is out on the football field by himself. Jennifer joins him. They talk about his best friend Craig who died in the fire. Jennifer tells him she was the last one to speak with him before he died (a lie, of course) and that Craig told her:

JENNIFER

... he always thought you and me would make a totally bangin' couple.

Jennifer leads Jonas into the neighboring woods where they start to make out just before she eats him.

* Needy makes a fried bologna sandwich in her kitchen. At the moment Jonas dies, Needy reacts. She's scared, her knees shake, and she sees a flash of the carnage in the woods.

* The chemistry teacher is about to get into her car to go home when he hears Jonas' scream. He walks to the woods and discovers the dead body.

* Needy, still in shock, accidentally drops her bologna sandwich on the floor as her mom Toni comes in. She tells Needy she had a nightmare. They talk a bit, being supportive of each other. Toni has not heard listened to the news (she's been working). Needy doesn't want to spoil the mood so doesn't tell her about the fire. 

* The parents of Jonas meet the police at the edge of the woods as they put his body bag into an ambulance. They react emotionally to his death with tears and screaming.

* Jennifer emerges naked form swimming in the lake, gets dressed, and calmly walks off into the woods. (It's in the script but I don't remember seeing this in the version of the film I watched.)

* Jennifer calls Needy and tells her how good she feels. She pokes herself with a needle and watches the wound heal itself. She lights her tongue on fire with a lighter, watching it heal as well. Needy has a call on her other line. She takes it, disappointing Jennifer who says "Pooh. I'm crossing you out."

* Chip tells Needy he has to meet her and talk. They meet at a local park. Chip describes Jonas's dead body to Needy. Needy says "this can't be a coincidence," both the fire and Jonas.

* The next scene is a montage of newspaper headlines, memorials, and so on. In a VO, Needy says "We were famous. We were saints. ... We were healing ... We had faith ... We were fucking idiots."

* In chemistry class the next day, Jennifer looks worn down and possibly sick. Needy asks her about it. Although Needy is confused by her response, we learn Jennifer gets run down if she doesn't feed. The chemistry teacher explains that the rock band from the fire is donating 3% of their profits from their hit song to the local families affected by the fire. Needy asks about the other 97% but gets criticized, showing how popular the band has become.

* In the hallway after class, Needy and Jennifer walk together. Colin approaches Jennifer and asks for a date. She says no, but changes her mind and tells him she'll text him the address. Colin leaves. Chip joins them. Jennifer leaves. Chip asks if he can come over that night. He bought more condoms.

* Colin drives to the address Jennifer texted him. It's a vacant house under construction or renovation. He meets Jennifer upstairs in a candle-lit room. They start making out and you can guess what happens to him next.

* The previous scene is intercut with the scene of Needy and Chip in Chip's bedroom having sex (yes the dialog a few scenes ago said Chip would come over to her place but they are in Chip's house now). As with Jonas, just when Colin dies Needy gets frightened and has flashes of his death. She screams and Chip stops, worried about her.

NEEDY

It's her.

CHIP

Do you need more foreplay?

Needy gets dressed and runs out of the house, drives home and homes her mom is home, someone that can comfort her. She's not and sits on the kitchen floor alone and miserable. She goes to her bedroom only to find Jennifer in her bed. Needy screams "Get out!" They argue. (In the film, not in the script, they end up kissing, which is weird.) Finally Jennifer tells her the story:

JENNIFER

Well, I got pretty messed up. I almost died. You know those guys in Soft Shoulder? Totally evil. They’re basically agents of Satan with awesome haircuts. I figured that out as soon as I got into their molester van.

* We get a backflash to the terrible things done to Jennifer by the rock band in the dark woods near Devil's Kettle (which are actually twin waterfalls near the town). The band said they sold their souls to Satan in order to be popular. Then they said an incantation and sacrificed their "virgin". Except the sacrifice doesn't work if they don't have a virgin. In that case, the "virgin" becomes a succubus. 

* Needy kicks her out anyway. 

* At Colin's funeral, Colin's goth friends try to say something poetic about him. Colin's mom will have none of it and tears each of them a new asshole. She ends with a gem of a speech ending with this great line:

MRS GRAY

... I got the monopoly on pain!

* The next day, Needy is in the hall day-dreaming of Jennifer as a monster when Chip runs up to join her. Needy tells Chip she has something to tell him that's very important.

* They meet up and Needy tells him about the occult research she's been doing on Jennifer. Chip tries to be supportive but is more interested in the dance they plan on going to together. (This dialogue is a bit different in the film, but they end up basically in the same situation.)

* Establishing shot/montage of the students preparing the school for the dance.

* Needy at home that night getting dressed in a nice gown. Her proud mom Toni takes a picture of them together.

* Chip's getting ready in his bedroom when his mom comes in and gives him her rape spray. (A small aerosol can of pepper spray.) He puts it in his jacket. Chip's mom takes a picture of Chip and his little sister.

* Alone, Needy nervously sips a drink at the dance. The chemistry teacher takes the mic on stage and interrupts everyone for an important announcement: the rock back Soft Shoulder will take a break from their sold-out national tour to play for them tonight. Needy gags. Then she notices Jennifer and Chip aren't there.

* In the dark, Chip is walking through the park in his suit when Jennifer interrupts him. She somehow convinces him that Colin was Needy's real boyfriend and that they can talk about it inside the abandoned pool house. They break in through a window and start to kiss when Chip stops, feeling both sad and guilty. Jennifer gets mad.

* This previous scene is intercut with Needy running to Chip's. His mom says he left 20 minutes ago. He always takes a short-cut through the park. Needy runs through the park when he hears Chip screaming in the pool building. Needy breaks in the same way. Chip has been bitten. Needy attacks Jennifer. She calls her insecure.

JENNIFER

I am not insecure. God, what a joke! How could I be insecure? I was the Snowflake Queen!

NEEDY

Yeah, two years ago. When you were socially relevant.

This pisses her off and Jennifer fights back with eyes blazing. Needy finds Chip's pepper spray and sprays it into Jennifer's face. Jennifer vomits blood and gore on Needy. Jennifer floats above the pool.

CHIP (croaking)

She can fly?

NEEDY

She’s just hovering, Chip. It’s not that impressive.

They fight some more, Needy is bitten or scratched by Jennifer at one point, and Jennifer says

JENNIFER

I’m gonna eat your soul and shit it out, Lesnicki.

Jennifer hurls herself at Needy but Chip rams a long pool skimmer pole through her.

JENNIFER

You losers are more trouble than you’re worth.

It seems they won but Chip dies of his wounds anyway.

* Chip's mom is told of his death.

* Needy refuses to go back to school. She waits for Jennifer to get weak again.

* In the film, here is where Needy creeps into Jennifer's bedroom with boxcutters and kills her. (In this script, this scene occurs in the opening.)

* It's night and we're back in the women's correctional hospital. Needy explains in VO that if you are wounded by a succubus you retains some of their power. Needy, locked in her jail cell, floats up to the window way up high, breaks out, and then walks out to the local highway.

* She hitches a ride with an old man, explaining to him she's following this band Soft Shoulder. She tells him it's going to be their last show.

Review of script:

Extremely well-written. A different take on a well-trodden horror genre. Smart writing Needy as the protagonist. Some things to watch for:

(1) Throughout the script there are scenes with missing sluglines (changes in location or time generally deserves a corresponding slugline).

(2) Another of Cody's stylistic choices is that names are sometimes in all caps after they've been introduced, as well as certain actions. I don't know but my guess is this is code for "close up on" that character or action. James Cameron also does this in his scripts but he tends to have the name in all caps name at the beginning of the line.

Some of this has been indicated above, but here are a few more comments on the difference between the script and the film. One minor scene was cut (explained below), one important scene was moved from the beginning to the end (also indicated below), and lots of dialogue was tweeked, rewritten or trimmed. But basically, IMHO the script has no weaknesses and the film more-or-less follows the script. I do think that moving that early scene to the end (probably the director's choice) made the movie more emotionally satisfying.

Review of film:

If my memory is working correctly (always a dubious statement), I've seen this three times. The first time was in the theater. It didn't make a strong impression. I watched it again a few years later. I think I saw it more of a vehicle for Megan Fox and judged it from that perspective. Then I read the script, was bowled over, and saw it was directed by Kusama, who I've since become a huge fan of, and decided to watch it again. Now, looking at it from the POV of Needy, I really enjoy like this film. Amazing what 3 viewings will do:-)

The plot was well-paced, as it followed familiar genre lines. The emotional core of the story deals not so much with people being afraid of being eaten but from the POV of a friend who's not sure how to process the realization that her BFF is evil.

The themes were not just the meaning of friendship between two girls, even if one is a killer. As their friendship cracks, their allegiances to each other erodes. Another theme is the hypocrisy of rock band fans who will accept any kind of behavior from the musicians they love. Finally, there is a bit of a vengeance theme, as Jennifer ends up going after Chip, and Needy gets her revenge by waiting until the time is right, them killing her. Symbolism, especially in the film (less so in the script), is played by the BFF necklace each of them wears. It's broken during the fight when Needy kills Jennifer.

Let me expand a bit on the plot and theme aspect of the film (and the script). In a "monster in the house" horror film (the monster being Jennifer and the "house" being the Devil's Kettle HS), it's typical for there to be a character flaw or sin of the victim(s) that precedes the arrival of the monster. As in a fable, as sin is punished in some way. In this film, the sin is the above-mentioned hypocrisy of the HS students. Needy, the science nerd, is not one of the socially relevant group (to borrow a phrase from Needy). When she leaves the school entirely, she's no loner part of the hypocrisy. Thus she's officially overcome the sin and can take on her problem. 

The acting on the part of Amanda Seyfried I thought was spot on. Megan came off a little dull sometimes, missing the delivery of a nuanced phrase other times, but generally was good. Johnny Simmons as Chip was compelling and had good chemistry with Amanda in their scenes together.

Direction by Kusama was excellent. Some tweeks she made to the script helped out a lot, especially when she rearranged a few scenes form the beginning to the end. The camerawork and lighting throughout was good, and (wisely) followed the script closely.

The music was typical pop/rock music. It added to the atmosphere, grounding us in the HS scene the main characters live in. Maybe it's my own unusual taste, but I didn't find the music to be exceptionally good, just typical.

Production design was excellent. I'm sure they shot at a real HS. Special effects were good as well. The only CGI effects I remember were (a) one or two shots of Jennifer's mouth growing inhumanly wider, and (b) the gore in Jennifer's vomit, which turned into a needle-like texture, (c) scenes of Jennifer or Needy floating (likely shot using green screen techniques). The other special effects were all in camera or with extensive make-up. In any case, they all were important for the believability of the story.

Editing was excellent and for the most part (wisely) followed the script closely.

The dialogue really shines in this script. Some of the best I've read in any horror film.  I like the funny, snarky tone and thought almost all the funny lines landed well. It kept the characters compelling and communicated exposition in a funny way.

Script breakdown and film review of "Happy Death Day"

Happy Death Day is directed by Christopher Landon, script written by Scott Lobdell and Christopher Landon (but only Lobell got credit for the writing). Originally titled "Half to Death", this is a 2017 American black comedy slasher film from Blumhouse Productions. 

 The protagonist Theresa ("Tree") is a sorority sister at Potsdam University (in the film, the name was changed). Engagingly portrayed by Jessica Rothe, we follow her on her daily adventures throughout. Based on her snarky interactions, she doesn't have any close emotional relationships at school. The story has similarities with Groundhog Day: the day start over again (on her birthday) as soon as Tree is murdered. Everything in her world is reset, except for her memories. The story also has similarities with the comedy slasher Scream, as Tree is generally stabbed to death with a big knife to some black comedy effect.

I'll describe the script (spoilers ahead) with some indication of how the film changed from the script.

Script synopsis:

In the opening scene, Tree wakes up in Carter's dorm room wearing his t-shirt. He's a guy she met for the first time at a drunken frat party the night before. He's already awake, busy puttering around his room, and treats her politely. (You are presuming he and she were both extremely drunk and she had sex without being sober enough to consent. This is an intentional set-up, to pay off on page 75. Wait for it.)

* She sees her dad has left a voicemail, gets dressed, leaves his room, forgetting her bracelet, and walks across the quad (a large area of paved walkways and open grassy spaces) to her sorority, Kappa Delta. She passes a number of people (e.g., Keith, who we will meet later in the script) in each of these walks across the quad.

* In the house foyer, Tree has a conversation with a housemate Danielle about a sorority meeting at noon. Danielle has a bossy/snarky personality but doesn't seem mad at Tree.

* Tree goes to her room and talks with her roommate Lori about the frat party that night. Lori tells her she was very drunk, vomited, and French-kissed Nick, Danielle's BF, right in front of her. Lori gives her a cupcake with a candle on it. 

* Tree cruelly tosses it in the trash ("too many carbs"), finds her textbook and heads off to class. She's having an affair with her "Science professor," Gregory Butler, who also works at the campus hospital. She has no emotional stakes in the hookup.

* After class she goes to the lunchtime sorority meeting. Carter drops off her bracelet. The sisters look down on him since he isn't a fraternity brother. Tree pretends not to know her. He's not insulted.

* After the meeting, Tree works in the stockroom in the campus bookstore. A co-worker Keith asks her out. She says no. Using visual cues, Keith is set up to be vaguely creepy.  (In the film, all the bookstore scenes were cut and Keith is a closeted gay.)

* Tree gets over to the hospital to see Butler. She gets a call from her dad but doesn't answer it.

* She runs into Lori by surprise, who is working a shift at the hospital for a friend. Lori knows of her affair with Butler. Tree says to her "none of your business".

* Tree meets up with Butler in his office. Butler puts his car keys in his desk drawer (remember this for later...). They kiss and talk. The door suddenly opens and they almost get caught by his wife Stephanie.

* At night, she gets ready for the frat party. Danielle enters. They talk about the party. There's a blackout. It's 9:23pm. Danielle leaves. On her desk, Tree notices a framed photograph of her between her proud mom and dad. She hides it in a drawer. (according to the script, it so she doesn't have to have feelings for them.)

There is a black envelope in her unopened mail, which she ignores.

* Tree heads off by herself to the frat party. She listens to a voicemail form her dad. He waited for an hour. Tree missed a birthday dinner with her dad but she doesn't make the frat party either. A mysterious character in a school mascot mask stabs her to death on her walk there.

We are on page 17. 

As in the opening scene, Tree wakes up in Carter's dorm room wearing his t-shirt. Again, he's awake and treats her politely. She thinks (according to the script) the previous events were all a nightmare, but doesn't share this with Carter.

* She sees her dad has left a voicemail, gets dressed, leaves his room, forgetting her bracelet. She remembers a few things, like Carter's name and where he keeps the Tylenol, but forgets her bracelet.

* She walks across the quad to her sorority, where she sees many things repeated. One difference is she talks to Keith along the way. She asks and tells her the date (Tuesday the 18th). Keith was there the first time she walked thru the quad but she ignored him.

* In the house foyer, Tree has basically the same conversation with Danielle, but Tree (according to the script) has a sense of deja vu.

* Tree goes to her room and talks with her roommate Lori about the frat party that night. This time, Tree tells Lori what happened. Lori gives her a cupcake with a candle on it. This time, Tree leaves it there but doesn't toss it in the trash.

* Tree joins the other sorority sisters at the lunchtime meeting. Carter shows up but forgets to give her the bracelet until she reminds him.

* After the meeting, Tree works in the campus bookstore. She spots a mask display and picks up a mask just like her killer wore. She's freaked, drops it, and runs out. (In the script) Keith picks up the mask and puts it on.

* Tree gets over to the hospital to see Butler. She gets a call from her dad but doesn't answer it, same as before.

* She runs into Lori, who knows of her affair with Butler. They have almost the same conversation, but this time Tree says to her "I can't talk now".

* Tree meets up with Butler in his office. Tree locks the door before they kiss and talk. (Tree is more resistant to kissing and just wants to talk.) Stephanie almost catches them again but this time the door is locked.

* At night, she gets ready for the frat party. On her desk, Tree notices a framed photograph of her between her proud mom and dad. She hides it in a drawer. Danielle enters. (BTW, the first time, Tree hid the photo after Danielle left.) They talk about the party. There's a blackout (again). Danielle leaves. 

* Tree heads off by herself to the frat party. She listens to a voicemail from her dad telling her Tree missed a birthday dinner with him. On the way there she's afraid of the part of the path where she was killed. She runs a different way and knocks on the frat house door. A masked individual opens the door and she punches him. It's Nick. Behind him is a "Happy Birthday" banner. She basically apologizes and the party gets going. Nick says Tree can "make it up to me later". Danielle is furious and storms off. Nick goes upstairs. Tree follows and finds him in a bedroom (presumably Nick's room). She enters and sees the mysterious character in the school mascot mask. She thinks he's Nick but then after he grabs her, she sees Nick dead in his closet. She screams but the music is too loud. They fight and Tree is killed by having her throat cut on window pane glass. (This scene was rewritten for the film. She is stabbed by a broken large glass bong.)

We are on page 36.

As in the opening scene, Tree wakes up in Carter's dorm room wearing his t-shirt. This time she says "This is a nightmare." Carter says she was the one who wanted to come here. She's starting to panic more.

* She sees her dad has left a voicemail, gets dressed, leaves his room, forgetting her bracelet and not getting any Tylenol. 

* She hurries across the quad to her sorority, ignoring Keith.

* In the house foyer, Tree ignores Danielle, even though she tries starting a conversation.

* Tree goes to her room and talks with her roommate Lori, confessing to her that she's lived this day twice. Lori doesn't believe her. Tree tells Lori she's about to give her a cupcake and there's a surprise birthday party at the frat house. Lori tells Tree she should take the day off, talk to someone.

* Tree talks to Mary, a counselor at the campus health center. It's comical because the counselor mis-interprets Tree's descriptions, but ultimately gets Tree nowhere. She leaves frustrated.

* That night, Tree stays locked in her room. Danielle tries to talk but Tree won't open the door. Sure enough, at 9:23pm there's a blackout. She blocks the door with something (the script isn't specific; in the film it's a dresser).

* Tree disassembles her night stand and nails the wood panels over her windows. 

* Tree finds the cupcake Lori left for her and is about to eat it when she decides to find the TV remote so she can change the channel away from MTV. She digs through stuff on her desk, not seeing the remote but finding the black envelope. It's a birthday card with the message "Hope it's your last one" scrawled inside.

* The TV turns itself off. She turns it back on. Now it's a rerun of The Twilight Zone. Then it turns itself off again.

* Tree hears a scraping noise from the closet. (According to the script, it dawns on Tree that she never checked the room before nailing the windows shut. How do we know this?) She grabs the hammer as a weapon and opens the closet. Nothing.

* She goes to the bathroom. Is someone hiding in the shower? Suddenly the TV blares loudly. She turns to the TV, seeing a boot sticking out from under the bed.

* She goes to the boot and sees it's not attached to anybody.

* The masked killer emerges from the shower and stabs her to death as she screams for help.

We are on page 49.

* Tree awakes in Carter's room screaming. She dresses in a panic, leaving quickly.

* The rush across the quad stresses out Tree so much that she has a panic attack and faints.

(In the film, Carter shows up in the quad and helps her, just as she's going to faint. They talk strategy in the cafeteria. This starts about on minute 40 of the film. In a sense, this scene is not in the script, but many scenes below were folded into it.)

* She wakes up in the hospital. The doctor wants her dad's phone number (the contact info she provided the university is old). He wants to know about her previous hospital stays. Tree tells him she's never been admitted to any hospital in her life. He says that's impossible, give the stab wounds she has on her body. Tree panics and tries to leave. He tells her they need to keep her there for observation.

They drug her, putting her to sleep.

* That night, she awakes as Butler shows up to visit her. She asks what day it is. He says Tuesday the 18th. He leaves to get her a coke from a machine down the hall.

* Tree escapes, rushing to Butler's office, stealing his car keys. She rushes for the stairwell. Butler spots her. Panicked, she runs from him, until she sees the killer has stabbed Butler to death.

* Tree races down the stairs to the parking garage. She screams for help but the garage is deserted, except for her and the killer.

* Tree gets to Butler's car before the killer and she escapes, speeding down the road out of the campus.

* She's pulled over by a policeman. She's happy to be jailed, because she knows she'll be save. She tells the police she's high and drunk. The policeman arrests her, cuffing her and is placing her in the back seat of his squad car when he and the back door are smashed into by a speeding car. 

The script now has two death scenes. In the first: The killer chases her into the woods but, in the dark, Tree runs off a 200 foot cliff and dies on the rocks

below. In the second death scene in the script, the one that is filmed, she's burned to death in the squad car after the cop is killed.

We are on page 65.

* The opening scene is not repeated. Instead, the first scene in Tree's new day is in her Kappa Delta sorority house. She writes down a list of suspects in a notepad. These include Keith, Danielle, Stephanie.

* Tree spies on Keith through his bedroom window. (He lives in a dorm on the first floor.) She sees him asleep in Sponge Bob Squarepants PJs. (In the film, he'd watching a gay romance movie.) She crosses his name off her list. 

* As she turns to leave, the masked killer stabs her to death.

We are on page 66. 

Series of shots:

* Tree wakes up in Carter's room (the film is different here...)

* Tree in her bedroom dying her hair pink and cutting huge chunks off.

* Tree acts crazy at the lunchtime sorority meeting, eating - horror! - french fries.

* At night, Tree spies on Butler and wife Stephanie leaving their house. She crosses Stephanie's name off her list. They get into their car and drive away. The masked killer springs out and tackles Tree into a fishpond. She drowns.

Still on page 66.

* Tree wakes up (the script doesn't say if she's with her old hair or the pink hair) in Carter's room, vomiting fishpond water.

* Tree walks across the quad completely naked. She sees Keith and winks.

* That afternoon, Tree and Danielle are walking together when a black card falls out of Danielle's bag. Tree attacks Danielle, the fight spilling into the road. A bus runs over them both, killing them.

* Insert: Tree crosses Danielle off her list. (Of course, this makes no sense, since Tree's dead...)

We are on page 67.

* At night, Tree wears Army fatigues and face paint. She hides behind a tree on the quad with a baseball bat. Tree swings at a mysterious figure, knocking them out. It turns out to be a sorority sister Becky, sneaking donuts into the Kappa Delta house.

* Tree drops the bat and rushes to help her.

* The masked killer picks up the bat and kills Tree.

We are on page 68.

* Tree wakes up in Carter's room yet again. This time it's completely

different for two reasons. (1) She tells Carter how she's feeling

and what she thinks is happening to her, (2) Carter accepts her "crazy"

theory and follows her across campus trying to rationally think

through the clues together.

* They reason it must be someone who knows it's her birthday.

* Tree tells Carter about Butler. Carter tells her they never had sex.

He slept on the couch. (In the film, they eat at a diner and there

they 

* They reach Tree's house. Carter says he got a credit card from his parents for emergencies. He'd use it to send her on a plane trip somewhere the killer wasn't then fly her back tomorrow. She's shocked at his generosity. (Skipped in film.)

* They head to the airport in Carter's VW. Tree tells Carter about her mom. Her birthday is on the same day as hers but she died of cancer three years earlier. (Skipped in film, but some of this dialogue was moved to another scene.)

* They are in a traffic jam and Tree sees on the side of the road the same cop that pulled her over earlier and was killed by the masked killer. She's afraid someone will die if she leaves and changes her mind. (This was skipped in the film.)

* They turn around and head back to campus. Tree tells Carter, "No more running." (Skipped in film. BTW, such a traffic jam scene could be way too expensive and complicated to shoot...)

* Tree runs into Danielle in the Kappa Delta foyer. They get into an argument. Tree agrees to leave the sorority. (Skipped in film.)

* Tree goes to her room and talks to Lori. She tells Tree Butler called and asked about her, since she didn't show for class. Lori leaves. (Skipped in film.)

* Tree is about to eat the cupcake Lori left for her when the power goes out. It's 9:23pm. When it comes back on she turns on the TV to watch the local news. (Yes, in this script the Local News runs at prime time.) It's a report of a murderer Joseph Tombs who's killed at least 6 women and been the subject of a nationwide manhunt for 5 months.

(In the film, Tree gets the information from the local news report in another scene, while eating with Carter.)

* Tree rushes to the hospital. She warns the nurses that Tombs will escape. Tree rushes to Tombs room, grabbing a fire axe on the way. She sees the police officer guarding Tombs enter his room. She runs down the hall and enters his room. The officer is dead. Tombs is holding the officer's gun. He shoots twice at Tree but the bullets ricochet off the axe blade, causing Tree to drop it.

* Tree bolts for the room and escapes the room. (Why didn't Tombs shoot her again?) Tree runs into a nurse who insists on looking into the room (where she heard gunshots, oh brother). Tombs of course shoots the nurse three times, dead. Tree runs. The killer chases her to a reception area, as he's about to shoot her, Carter tackles the killer from behind, causing the gun to be fired twice more before he drops it. Tree grabs the gun and shoots at the killer. Click.

* Tombs pulls out a hunting knife. (This too is a set-up and we learn later he got the knife from Lori. Stay tuned.) Tombs stabs and kills Carter to death with it.

* Tree turns and runs to the stairwell. These stairs only go up, to the bell tower. Tombs chases her up the stairs. Tree kicks him in the face, smashing part of his mask. (Before this, the script made no indication that a mask was worn. BTW, we learn later Tombs got the mask from Lori too)

* Tree makes it to the bell tower. By the time Tombs makes it up, he sees Tree on the railing, the bell rope tied around her neck. She tells Tombs, "See you tomorrow, asshole," and jumps to her death.

We are on page 87.

* She awakes in Carter's room again but this time she's go purpose, and she nice and thoughtful to everyone she meets.

* She shows up to her room and says nice things to Lori, promising to be a better roommate.

* She goes to class, but instead of going in, she asks Butler to speak with her outside in the hall. He does. She breaks up with him and tells he she's dropped the class.

* During the lunchtime sorority meeting, Tree is nice to everyone. Carter shows up. She asks him to take her out for dinner for her birthday.

* That afternoon, Tree's dad David waits for her alone. He's about to leave when Tree arrives. She confesses she wanted to avoid talking to him because it reminds him so much of her mom, who she misses terribly.

* In her room, she puts a long knife in her jeans and hides the handle with her shirt.

* She walks out of the hospital elevator on the same floor as Tombs. She goes up to the policeman guarding Tomb and tells him Tombs will escape tonight. The officer tells her to leave.

* She puts a knife to the officers throat and orders him to check on Tombs. He opens the door. Tombs looks asleep. Tree orders the officer to shoot Tombs in the head. Tombs opens his eyes. He's already escaped from his restraints. He stabs the officer with a knife, killing him, then grabs the mask he has at his bedside. Tree grabs the officer's gun and tries to shoot Tombs. "The safety's on little girl" Tombs says. He throws himself on Tree and starts to strangle her. She punches him in the nose with her palm, she squirms away but he simply throws her against the wall. Tombs gets his knife and smirks as he walks over to kill her. Tree smirks back. It's 9:23pm. Blackout. When the lights come back on, she's got the gun in her hand, safety off. She empties the clip into Tombs' chest.

* It's almost midnight. Carter and Tree are outside her house. They kiss goodnight.

* She goes to her room. Sees the cupcake from Lori, lights the candle on it. She blows it out and ... darkness.

This is page 101.

* Tree wakes up in Carter's room again.

* Tree rushes to her room, now realizing it was Lori all along. She would collude with Tombs most of the time but the last time Tree died it was because Lori poisoned the cupcake.

* They fight a brutal fight but Tree wins by kicking Lori out their 2nd story window.

(The film essentially ends here. There are two scene between Tree

and Carter showing they'll live happily ever after.)

* Tree took quite a beating and ends up in the hospital. Both Carter and her dad are there. The doctor orders her to complete rest, telling them to leave Tree alone.

* They all leave but Stephanie enters, in a nurses uniform. She poison's Tree's IV.

We are on page 110.

* Tree awakes in Carter's room. She realizes she's in love with him. They kiss. She says "What of I get stuck in this day forever?" Carter kisses her. She says "I guess I could live with that."

Review:

The script has one great thing going for it - concept. It's a wonderful story idea centered around a compelling character. The protagonist's problem is that she keeps dying every day, at the hands of some unknown killer, and her world is reset each morning.  The execution of the script is well-done. One draw-back is that its action lines contain a lot of un-filmable moments, such as describing what Tree is thinking. With one exception (described later), the script stays within the main story rule (i.e., after each death, everything is reset, except for Tree's memories).

The film has two great things going for it. A great concept for a story and a terrific, engaging actor (Jessica Rothe) playing the lead. The central theme seems to be to connect with family and friends on an emotional level, not to try to solve your emotional problems by yourself. The direction (Chistopher Landon) is also strong, having added some details and made some tweeks to the dialog which helped the story and also improved the character development. Some minor scenes were cut, others re-arranged or even inserted (such as a few extra scenes with the excellent Israel Broussard as Carter). Camera work (and lighting) is also top-notch.

A feature common to such horror films is that the victim (the protagonist Tree in this case) often has a character flaw or sin that we attribute the origin of the "monster" (the masked killer - either Lori or Tombs). In this case, Tree's character flaw is two-fold (a) she's emotionally distant, even mean, to everyone, caused by burying her sadness over her mom's death (who shares the same birthday with Tree), (b) she's having an affair with a married man. When Tree realized the issue with processing her mom's passing she breaks up with her lover, re-connects with her widowed father, and tries to be nicer to people, even to her roommate Lori. It's when she's trying to apologize to Lori that she realized what turns out to be the key

fact that will solve her problem: that Lori's to blame. When Tree kills Lori, and we get a feeling that Tree has overcome her character weaknesses in the process of solving her problem.

Two things take me out of the story. One is my fault, the other is the script and director's.

(1) My first confusion is the confluence of the scene starting in the film on minute 41 with that starting on minute 59. In the first scene, Tree and Carter are eliminating suspects who are killing Tree time after time, and in the second scene Carter is talking like it's just a nightmare that Tree is having. The first scene has effectively established that it's not a nightmare, so they don't seem to make sense together. However, they really do. They are from different days. Remember Tree's world: every new day, everything resets (memories and so on) except for her. So this is actually quite logical. Carter has reset, so can't connect the two seemingly inconsistent scenes.

(2) My second point of confusion is when the script and film both violate this rule (in Tree's world, each new day, everything resets, except for Tree's memories). When Tree fights Lori at the end of the film, Tree says

TREE

... It was poisoned. But I never ate it before.

...

So you had to find another way.

So Lori is not reseting like the others!

TREE

Then Tombs fell right into your lap...

You knew he’d wake up and escape.

Then they’d just assume he killed me.

... You’ve killed me before.

LORI

Then I guess I’ll just have to do it again.

What's the old saying, "Hind-sight is always 20-20"? This flub aside, the film (and script) are great fun and highly recommended examples of the comedy-horror genre. Studying them both and also making note of all the changes made in filming really helped me understand the process of bringing this story more effectively to the big screen.

Professor Kappa's Killer Quizzes (short story 20)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.



*It was the moronic answer that did it.

With a gin and tonic on the side and a King Crimson song playing low in the background, Professor Kappa grades a quiz from his calculus class with a green pen. Not red but green, because he'd a nice guy and someone said red adds to math phobias. His sensitive brain froze on seeing the answer, written by an overly confident student in blue pen, in pen for Pete's sake:

As if the "+C" made up for the horrid stupidity of the answer. "So stupid. I swear they get dumber every year!" He'd told his students over and over again that the integral of the exponential function is that function back again. He'd told them ad nauseum that the only function whose integral was x times that function was the constant function. Is the exponential function a constant function? No!

So, when Kappa gave the quiz question,

he thought it was about the kindest question he could create. Who couldn't get that correct? The answer to Professor Kappa was clear: Only someone who knew that his end of the year teacher rating was dependent on their test scores being "above average." Only someone who knew that the midterm and final were machine-graded, then automatically entered into a database, the same database that determined his end of the year rating. Only someone who thought that his kindness and generosity in asking such a brain-dead simple question was a weakness to be exploited and twisted to their own evil student ends. Yes, the devious student who would give such an answer clearly hated him. Such a student was obviously self-centered beyond measure, and undoubtedly evil to the core of their being. That student must die.

But how? What's a fitting way for an evil idiot, who knows nothing of calculus, to die? They don't know how to compute an area or a volume, a standard calculus application, so they could be smashed to death. He smiled at that. Satisfied with his solution, he gulped his gin. They don't know how to compute speed or acceleration, another use of calculus, so they could die in a car accident. He smiled at that too. Another gulp. But eventually that smile turned into a frown. The problem with those methods of murder, the eminent Professor Kappa reasoned, was that they were disconnected from the question itself. The question involved an exponential function. Being smashed to death, or dying in a car accident, didn't seem to be associated with the exponential function in any way. The kinds of applications one naturally connects with the exponential function are things like grown of a bacteria population. The astute reader will know that the decay of a radio-active substance, balance in a bank account with a fixed interest rate, and heat dissipation are also exponential. (If you don't know that, you could die as well, but finish this story first.) Professor Kappa imagined poisoning the student with a deadly virus, a thought that brought a smug, satisfied smile to his face. Of course, it has to be administered carefully to avoid killing any students who got the correct quiz answer, but he'll worry about those minutia later. Prof Kappa took another sip of his gin and went to grade the next quiz question. Eventually, Professor Kappa finished grading that student's quiz and gave the student a big red F. On Kappa's killer quiz, the F was usually stood for Fatal.

By the end of the semester, the F was indeed fatal, but that student was not the only one in the class that died. There were a few other Fs on Kappa's quiz. However, none of them survived long enough to take the machine-graded midterm whose grade would determine Prof Kappa's end of the year rating. Of course, these deaths were carefully planned out, to avoid attracting attention and raising suspicions. But one student, Alice was her name, did grow suspicious. Alice was the best of the best, getting 100 percent on every quiz. So good, in fact, that the weaker students often asked her for help. And she was so kind that, in fact, she tried to help them. Some she helped learned the material, while others she helped just didn't. She noticed who was learning and who wasn't and who died mysteriously and who didn't. It was a pretty straightforward correlation, so naturally Alice's suspicions grew (but not exponentially, ha, ha).

After the final example for the class, Alice calls up her bestie Becky to touch base. Becky went the police academy route, instead of the college student one that Alice took. Becky takes off her badge, puts on a preppy outfit, tells her supervisor she's visiting her sick grandma for a few days, and drives to the sleepy university town that Alice calls home.

Becky learns from Alice that Prof Kappa is teaching a calculus course at night that is still open for late enrollment. The next day, Becky is a student in Professor Kappa's class. She finds a cute little one-room log cabin for rent at a local resort. It's so cute she has to brag about it out loud just before the bell rings to start Prof Kappa's class. The bell rings and he announces a quiz in a few days then starts to lecture them on logarithmic integrals. "Remember, the integral of one over cabin dee cabin is log cabin, ha, ha!" Yes, he's very funny when he wants to be. (Yes, that's sarcasm.)

Later, bestie Alice comes over to the log cabin rental and helps Becky cram for the quiz. A few days later, on that fateful quiz there's this question:

Becky and Alice have prepared for this. Becky thinks carefully and the writes, in bold pen stokes,

Becky turns in her quiz and goes back to her cute little cabin.

That night, Becky tosses and turns and, around midnight, realizes she can't sleep, so she turns on the lights, puts on a light jacket, and wanders around the resort. Around that time Alice decided to visit her (what a coincidence!) and, together, they roam the resort. As they wander back in view of Becky's front door, they sees, in the moon light, Professor Kappa, wearing dark clothes and a black ski mask, sneaking into her cabin. Sadly, he trips over the cans of gasoline and falls into the fireplace. "Look at that," Alice says. "Clumsy me," Becky says dramatically. They smile at each other. "Did you buy accidental fire insurance?" Alice asks. "Of course. With a log cabin, one can never be too careful," Becky says.

The town newspaper's headline told the story the next day: "Calculus professor cremated in cabin combustion."

The moral of the story: calculus quizzes can kill in more ways that you can count.