This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 2.
This fine spring day, the sun gleams on the concrete and glass exterior of the DORHq headquarters, DORHq, of course, stands for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters. It’s the place everyone goes after they flunk out of the FBI or the DHS or CIA or NSA. The rejects work inside, but outside it really is quite lovely.
Wilted white lilies decorate either side of the glass double doors making up the front entrance. Surly squirrels chatter at anyone entering.
Inside in the DORHq briefing room, Mrs Bosch, who everyone calls “Mean Boss” behind her back, stands at a dais in the front. Rows of chairs and tables are occupied by various DORHq agents, including Tam, 30-something Jupiter JUPE Sila, her constantly horny GF, middle-aged Freeman Penn, Jupe’s younger brother Lincoln Sila, and 20-something Gonzalez “Gonzo” Galtero. Tam is noticeably smaller than the others.
Tam and Jupe sit at a table with donuts and coffee. Freeman works on a spreadsheet, one that plots DORHq agent shootings, on his laptop. Behind Mean Mrs Bosch, there’s a poster:
Making North America safe for recon ops
Jupe raises her hand. “Tam and I were wondering if you can give everyone a bonus who isn’t shot?”
Tam gives Jupe a ‘What the fuck?!’ look. Gonzo laughs.
“Not funny. How’s this, smartass: if you get shot, I’ll dock your paycheck and you’ll be demoted. Any questions? No? Good. That’s all. Get back to work. Agent Tam Taylor, follow me.”
“Yes, Ma’am.” Tam whispers to Jupe: “Thanks a lot.”
“No problem. Meet me in my office later,” Jupe says with a wink.
Mrs Bosch leads Tam her workplace as an intern answering phone calls.
The cubical has a desk, computer and phone. The walls of the cubical are decorated by thumb-tacked snapshots of her family and friends and a paper “Tam Taylor, Intern” sign. A cup of coffee and a writing pad sits on the desk.
Tam sits in her cubical, bright and innocent, wearing a phone headset and a white “D.O.R.Hq.” baseball cap.
Mrs Bosch stands behind her. “You really think you’re ready for the next step?”
“Yes Ma’am, I’m ready.”
Tam’s phone buzzes. “We’ll see about that. Go ahead, answer it. Pretend I’m not here.”
Tam tentatively presses a button on her keyboard and speaks into her headset. “Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters. Making North America safe for recon ops. How can I direct your call?”
Mean Boss nods and writes a note on the clipboard. “Above all, be polite, ask for details.”
“Yes, ma’am. What kind of details?”
“Don’t ask me, ask the client.”
“Sorry, Ma’am.” She speaks into her headset. “Yes, sir ... You’re with the C.I.A. and want to work for DORHq instead?”
“Not that nut-case again. Give me that headset.”
Tam takes off her headset and Mean Boss puts it on. “Listen you, I’m the director of DORHq. I’m sick and tired of you C.I.A. agents calling me with your damn prank phone calls. What’s the matter with you?”
Mrs Bosch hands the headset back to Tam. “Wow. I didn’t know I could talk like that,” Tam says.
“Those assholes at the C.I.A. think they are so much better than us. Pisses me off royally. Time for your break. Don’t take too long.” “Thank you, Ma’am.”
Mrs Bosch leaves. Tam types a text on her cell phone, tosses her headset down and leaves for Jupe’s office.
Jupe is alone on her work computer, door open. In the hallway outside, Tam softly knocks on the door frame. “Tam, come here.”
Tam enters. “Hey, Jupe. What are you watching?” “Baooww-shicky-baow-wow” replies Jupe’s computer. Jupe does a bump-and-grind with the music soundtrack to the video playing on her computer. A porn actor on the video says “Oh, yeah. Faster.”
“Porn? Don’t they have filters blocking that?” Tam asks.
“It’s easy to get around all that,” Jupe says.
“I’ve got a question for you. Hypothetically, what if I knew of a laptop that had source code for an unreleased virus on it?”
“If it’s not a porn virus, I don’t see how it’s relavent to the present topic of discussion.”
“Can we change topics then?”
“You bet. Check out this online poker site.” Jupe switches tabs on her browser. A musical tune bing-bing-bong-bing comes out of Jupe’s computer.
“They track your browsing. You know that, right?”
“I’m using a VPN. Relax.”
“It’s not hypothetical. I learned about this virus from a reliable source. I want to start an undercover operation to recover that laptop. The CHUMPS have it.”
“Let’s just say, I’ve been around the block a few more times than you have. I’m gonna give you a little advice.”
“Yes, please do. What?”
“It’s your ante,” says the computer’s poker dealer in a monotone computer- generated voice. Jupe steals a glance at the computer screen.
“Holy crap, look at the cards I got dealt. Oh my gawd, I’m going all-in.”
“You’ve bet five hundred dollars,” the poker dealer says. Bing-bing-bong-bing.
“Shh! Turn the volume down. We’re gonna get caught. What’s your advice, Jupe?”
“That laptop’s under lock-and-key. Try to steal it and you’re gonna get caught. My advice, don’t do it.”
Mrs Bosch and SARA, a human-looking robot, enter. Sara appears to be a bored 20-something year old woman.
Jupe tries to shield her computer screen from Mrs Bosch, then tries to turn it off with her mouse and keyboard. Nothing is working. The bing- bing-bong-bing music only gets louder.
“What are you doing?” Mrs Bosch asks.
Bing-bing-bong-bing.
“You’re turn. Ante up in 10 seconds or you fold,” the poker dealer says. Jupe accidentally click with her mouse on the porn tab of her browser.
Baooww-shicky-baow-wow, “Oops,” Jupe says. To Mrs Bosch, she answers, “Nothing. Computer malfunction.”
Tam adds: “I was just here trying to help fix –”
The computer porn actor yells, “Yes! Yes! Yeeessss!”
“Sara, stop it!” Mrs Bosch orders.
Baooww-shicky-baow– Smash! Crash! Sara karate chops the computer to smithereens with her mechanical arms.
“Sara, I meant to power it off, not destroy it, dammit.”
“I misunderstood your instructions.” Sara speaks mechanically.
Jupe points to Sara. “What the hell is that?”
Tam says “Jupe, now you’ve got everything under control, I’m leaving.” “Wait. There’s no control here. You can’t go. What about our undercover plan?”
“Undercover plan? What undercover plan? Let’s just say, I’ve rode more than a few bucking broncos in my day. You’re just a junior agent. Let me give you a little advice,” Mrs Bosch.
“Yes, ma’am. What?” Jupe asks.
“I make the damn plans around here, and the plan for now is for you two bozos to shut up and listen. Sara, introduce yourself.”
“Greetings, Agent Jupiter Sila, I am Sara, Secret Attack Robot Agent, model X12A.”
“Attack me and I will crush you like a soda can.’ Jupe says.
“Sara’s our new secret weapon against the SESIs and the CHUMPS. Her arms can transform into fifty caliber machine guns. She can run seventy miles per hour. And you’re to train her.”
“Oh, please, no, not me.”
“She’s to recognize all the top members of SESI and CHUMPS. You have two hours.”
“Make Gonzo do it.”
“No.”
“How about Tam? She’s much smarter.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes you are, but, no, it’s going to be you, Agent Sila. You now have an hour and fifty-nine minutes.” Mean Boss leaves.
Jupe looks Sara up and down. “Can you play poker?”
“No,” Sara says.
“How about do a bump-and-grind?” Jupe asks.
Jupe demonstrates a bump-and-grind. Sara does a bad imitation. “You need to practice on that.”
“Sara, can you search for a laptop stolen from Last Drop Coffee this morning?” Tam asks.
“I can access classified GPS servers. If the laptop has a GPS chip, please say ‘Sara, yes’ and I will search.”
“Sara, yes,” Tam says with a smile.
This is continued here: part 4.
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