This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).
This is a continuation of part 9.
A van pulls out of the DORH Junior High parking lot. Freeman drives the DORHq JH school van down a suburban Baltimore city street. Freeman and Lincoln, wearing an arm sling, are in the front seat, and several DORHq Junior High students, including Dylan, Athena and Lydia, are in the back.
“Looking forward to the tour, kids?” Freeman asks.
“Why do we only get to go in the lobby, Uncle Freeman?” Athena asks.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you. It’s a top secret facility. Don’t let on that we’re with DORHq,” Freeman says.
“What would happen if it slipped out?” Dylan asks.
“Western civilization as you know if would collapse. We’re the last line of defense against the communists, Pumpkin. Lincoln, I’m trying to drive. Can you help out a little here?”
Lincoln turns around and smiles at the kids. “Aren’t you kids excited to pretend to go on this tour?”
“Are we just pawns in my uncle’s hair-brained scheme to break into the SESI computer network?” Athena asks.
“In that case, I’m not even gonna pretend,” Dylan says.
They park, get out of the van, and enter the SESI headquarters in the warehouse district. The back wall of the building’s lobby bears a steel SESI insignia. Thick glass windows look into the lobby. A row of unoccupied chairs near the window and a row of body scanners in the back. The scanners are manned by SESI guards, including Nimskii and Pimskii. There are two interior doors behind the SESI Guards, both closed.
Eyo and Grekov stand in front of Dylan, Lydia and Athena, who stare at them with a very bored look. Freeman and Lincoln stand off to the side.
“What’s behind that door?” Athena asks Grekov.
“Top secret,” Eyo says.
“Come on, just a hint,” Lydia asks.
“S.E.S.I. means secret evil spy incorporated. They don’t teach you in school what secret means?” Eyo asks the kids. She whispers to Grekov, “Brat-nik and stupid-nik.” Eyo and Grekov laugh.
“Let’s guess,” Dylan says.
“No guessing allowed,” Grekov says.
Lydia points to door 1. “I’m guessing that is where your top-secret super-computers are stored.”
“Pfft,” says Grekov. “What kind of stupid-niks are you?”
“Okay, so the server room isn’t behind that door. It’s behind that one.” Athena and Lydia point to door number 2.
Nimskii asks Pimskii, “Are the kids running an intel-gathering operation here?”
Lincoln says to Freeman, “I’ll text Tam.” Freeman nods. Lincoln types a text on his cell phone. Eyo overhears what Lincoln says to Freeman.
“That was wonderful! Tours over. Let’s go, kids. Thank your hosts,” Freeman says.
Pimskii and Nimskii frown at Eyo and Grekov. Eyo thwacks Grekov. “Now the brat-niks know! This is all your fault,” Eyo yells.
Grekov smiles. “I have a solution.”
“What are you thinking?” Eyo asks.
“Kidnap them all,” Grekov says.
Athena, Lydia, Dylan, Lincoln and Freeman sneak towards the door, but Pimskii and Nimskii block them.
Deep in the SESI headquarters building, in a basement bunker-like win- dowless conference room, lots of SESI guards and agents are at one end of a large table, including Mr Blue, Grekov and Eyo. Just outside are the rest of the SESI guards. The guards push Freeman, Lincoln, Dylan, Lydia and Athena to the other end of the table. Then they slam the large steel door to the room shut.
“I searched them and only found this. The boy there had it in his pocket,” Eyo says. Eyo holds up the world’s tiniest pistol.
“Ha, ha, ha!” Mr Blue laughs. “Give poor little boy back his toy.” Eyo tosses the tiny pistol to Dylan.
“SESI’s evil plans will never succeed,” Freeman says.
“I think we’re doing pretty good so far,” Mr Blue says.
“Who’ll stop us?” Grekov says.
“I will,” Dylan says, pointing the tiny pistol at the SESIs. “This is the most powerful handgun in the world,” Dylan says.
Mr Blue smiles. “That little thing?”
“I happen to be a small arms expert."
"True, he is," Freeman says.
"And, I will blast you all to kingdom come if you don’t let us go,” Dylan says.
“You actually sound serious,” Mr Blue says. The SESI guards outside the room look in.
Tam sits in her office on the computer. Joe and Joanna Mustardman knock on her doorframe.
“Come on in. I wanted to talk to you about the plans,” Tam says. The Mustardmans come in.
“Sometimes it helps the thought process to pace,” Tam suggests. Tam, Joe and Joanna are pacing back-and-forth, with Joe and Joanna in perfect sync.
“One question, Tam,” Joe asks.
“Shoot,” Tam says.
“What plan are we pacing about?”
“You need a detailed plan to get into the SESI Headquarters to rescue the kidnap victims. Your promotion depends on it. SESI’s heavily guarded. Let’s think this through,” Tam says. Joe and Joanna nod in sync.
“I knew that,” Joanna says to Joe, smacking him on the arm.
“Tam, you’re the newest one here at DORHq. Let me suggest a few things,” Joe says.
“Please do,” Tam says.
“Joanna, we need a detailed plan to get into the SESI Headquarters. Our promotion depends on it. SESI’s heavily guarded,” Joe says.
“I’m way ahead of you on that,” Joanna says.
“Oh, yeah? Well, I’m way ahead of you ... being way ahead of me,” Joe says.
“Okay Joe, what’s your great plan?” Joanna asks.
“No. You first,” Joe says.
“Here’s the plan. We get a fire engine --” Joanna says.
“That’s a big negatory. Haven’t you seen Mission Impossible? That fireman stunt’s such a trope. They’ll see through it a mile away,” Joe says. “Oh, brother. Okay, Mr Trope-head, tell me this great plan of yours,” Joanna says, crossing her arms.
“Calm down. Let’s keep an open mind,” Tam says.
“Yeah, open your mind to my ingenious idea,” Joe says.
“We’re waiting with bated breath,” Joanna says.
“We call in a fake poison gas leak and show up in hazmat suits. Pretty good, huh? I already rented the hazmat suits.”
Buzz! Tam’s cell-phone buzzes a text message. “Freeman might have escaped. I’m going to go try to find out more info
from Mrs Bosch,” Tam says.
“See you later, Tam. Good brainstorming session. Thanks,” Joe says. Tam runs out of her office.
“She’s the best,” Joanna says.
“Mmmm ... I’d say she’s closer to second best,” Joe says.
“Yes, I’m obviously better,” Joanna says.
“I was talking about me, you idiot,” Joe says.
Buzz! Joanna’s cellphone buzzes and she looks at it. “Hey, I just got an email that some of the child hostages escaped. You know what this means?” Joanna says.
“I’m going to to lose my deposit on the hazmat suits?”
“It means, we’d better hurry or we won’t be able to steal the credit for the rescue. Move your fat ass. Go, go, go!” Joanna yells.
Inside SESI headquarters, bored SESI guards see a Haz-Mat truck pull up and park. They see two workers dressed in bulky Haz-Mat outfits exit the Haz-Mat truck. Nimkiii pokes Pimskii awake. “This could be interesting,” Nimskii says.
Joanna Mustardman, Joe Mustardman walk/waddle across the parking lot towards the lobby in bulky Haz-Mat outfits. Joanna gets ahead. “Firemen have more comfortable outfits,” she says.
“This is much better, trust me,” Joe says.
The Mustardmans struggle to get through the front door. The SESI guards watch their struggles with amusement. Shouting through the gas mask, Joe says “Poison gas. You are all going to die. Evacuate now!”
“Yes, poison gas. Get out,” Joanna says, with less enthusiasm.
No one moves. Nimskii gets up from his chair. “I didn’t hear a word. Repeat, please.”
Joe and Joanna Mustardman repeat their muffled commands. Nimskii looks at Pimskii. “What did they say, fire?”
Joe takes his mask off and yells. “No, not fire, poison gas.” Joe puts his mask back on.
“Poison gas. Oh. I don’t know what the regs are in that case. I’d better call the operations department,” Nimskii says. Nimskii sits down and picks up a phone.
Joanna looks at Joe. “This is just great.”
Nimskii nods, hangs up the phone and starts to reach for his gun.
Joe says to Joanna, “This is awkward.”
Joanna says to Joe, “Time to bail.” Joanna points to a spot behind Nimskii. “Look out behind you, a meteor!” When Nimskii turns around. Joanna and Joe speed-walk/waddle to the exit.
The area in front of the SESI building is concrete-paved but some benches and shade trees decorate the space. Jupe, SARA, Tam, Gonzo and Freeman see Joe and Joanna exit the building. They wave at them to join them.
“Shall I categorize this operation under fun?” Sara asks.
“Whatever. Sara, shut up,” Jupe says.
“Jupe, what the hell did you train Sara to do?” Freeman asks.
“Sara must have a computer malfunction,” Jupe asks.
“I’m not malfunctioning,” SARA says.
“How do we know that?” Tam asks SARA.
“Yeah, Tam’s right. How do we know SARA’s not malfunctioning? If she was malfunctioning, would she admit she’s malfunctioning? Good point, Tam,” Jupe says.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
"Stop arguing. Listen up. SARA says the laptop is around here somewhere. Let's check out the warehouse across the street," Freeman says.
Tam, Jupe and Gonzo run off. Freeman gets on his cell-phone and follows them at a walk. SARA follows behind Freeman. Joe and Joanna try t keep up.
Tam runs up to the warehouse and bangs on the door. Gonzo yanks on the door-knob. It’s locked. “Can you pick the lock, Gonzo?” Jupe asks.
“I’ll try.”
“We’ll go search for an opening around the side.” Tam and Jupe run around the side of the building into an alley. There’s a large trash bin halfway down the alley but otherwise it’s empty. Tam points to an open window out of her reach. “Jupe, lift me up.” Jupe pushes and Tam pulls herself up and climbs through the open window. Jupe runs back to join Gonzo. The front door clicks open and Jupe and Gonzo enter and see Tam running towards the back of the room.
Tam stands over a rug in the back of the room and signals Jupe and Gonzo to be quiet. Tam pulls the rug aside, revealing a hatch door in the floor. “Help me with this.”
Jupe and Gonzo open hatch door below it and stare down into the dark. Tam and Jupe descend the metal stairs, followed by Gonzo. Catching up, Freeman, out of breath, climbs down the stairs, quietly. “What do we have here?” Freeman asks.
Crash! SARA falls down the stairs. Crash! Joe falls down the stairs. Crash! Joanna falls down the stairs.
Sara stands. “I’m okay. I’m fine. No malfunction.”
Tam looks into the room. “There’s the laptop.”
"I saw it first," Joe says.
"No, I did," Joana argues, pushing Joe.
They fight in their hazmat suits, knocking SARA over, which knocks over a table, which knocks over a lamp, which causes a fire, which spreads to the laptop.
"There was the laptop," Freeman says. Tam puts jer head in her hands and cries.
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