Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 7)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).

This is a continuation of part 6.

*

In the co-ed DORHq locker room, several DORHQ agents, both male and female, change into or out of their DORHq jackets and caps. Lincoln and Gonzo, using neighboring lockers, put their bullet-proof vest on under their shirt.

“Nope, nothing,” Gonzo says as he puts on cologne.

“Gonzo, I don’t believe you. You’re meeting someone special. Who?” Gonzo shakes his head.

“Come on, tell me. Who’s the lucky girl?” Lincoln pleads.

“Okay, yes. Tam, at the pistol range.”

Lincoln’s jealous. “You are? Right now?”

“Sorry for lying but I knew you’d be jealous and I didn’t want to –”

“Me, jealous? Pfft. No. It’s just that she told me she’ll be there at one p.m., not at noon,” Lincoln says with an innocent look on his face.

“Oh, really? Thanks, man! I guess I got my times mixed up.”

“Hey, glad to help.”

Gonzo leaves.

“Very glad to help. Loser,” Lincoln says under his breath.

A long, low building in the warehouse district has a sign next to the entrance says

DORHQ pistol range

It’s only a few miles from the headquarters. A car pulls into the parking lot. Lincoln gets out of the car looking like The Terminator with his sunglasses, gold box of roses, and black leather jacket, opens the front door and enters. Lincoln looks around the lobby of the pistol range. The clock on the wall says noon. Lincoln heads to the front desk.

The clerk looks up. “Can I help you?”

“I’m supposed to meet Tam Taylor.” Lincoln looks to the gold box in his arms and smiles at the Clerk. “Red roses.”

The Clerk points to a doorway. “Go get her, Romeo.”

Lincoln gives the clerk a thumbs up as he disappears down a hallway. The shooting gallery is noisy - the guns yell blam, blam, blam as they shoot targets hung way down long range, A dozen booths in a row each house a shooter.

Tam, her dad Ray Taylor, and Jupe are crowded in her booth, each wearing ear muffs. “Are we almost done? What about that stolen laptop?” Tam asks.

“All interns have to do this training,” Jupe says.

“One more bull-eye Pumpkin and your pistol training lesson can be checked off,” Ray says.

“I feel like hunting for that laptop is a better use of our time,” Tam says.

“Agreed, but you won’t get promoted if you don’t do the mandatory training,” Jupe says.

“Hey Pumpkin, do you remember in Terminator 2 when the Terminator had that box of flowers hiding his double-barreled pump-action shotgun? Ch-Chk, Boom!”

“Yeah Dad, I remember.”

“If the new Terminator was so smart, why didn’t he make his arm into a bigger shotgun?”

“Ray, you don’t know anything. The Terminator can’t do that. He can only make himself into a sword,” Jupe says.

“That’s a big wrong-a-roni. Only the T1000 model could make a sword. Call me the Terminator nerd. I know the whole series,” Ray says.

As if in slow motion, Lincoln walks towards Tam with the gold box, Terminator-style. He taps on Tam’s shoulder. Tam turns, sees the box of roses, and jumps in horror. Lincoln, seeming like The Terminator, stands in front of her with flowers.

Ray and Jupe yell, “Tam! Aahhh, the Terminator! Shoot, Tam, shoot!” Tam holds her gun with both hands and aims at Lincoln’s chest.

Flowers fly to the ceiling. Lincoln screams. “Don’t shoot!” Lincoln back-peddles, trips over himself and falls on the floor. “Owww!” Lincoln holds his arm.

“Linc, what are you doing here?” Tam asks.

“That’s no Terminator, that’s Lincoln. You dumb-ass, scaring us like that,” Jupe snaps.

“Sorry, I only meant to surprise Tam,” Lincoln says, holding his arm.

“Mission accomplished,” Tam says.

“I gotta say, Tam, solid grip, good stance. Counts as a bulls-eye in my book,” Ray says.

“You should’ve shot him,” Jupe says.

With his good arm, Lincoln pulls a thorny rose out from under his leg, but it’s crushed. “For you, Tam.” Lincoln holds up the red crushed rose.

Tam tries to eek out a smile. "This is just great," she says with a touch of sarcasm.


*

This is continued here: part 8.