Christopher MacQuarrie's "Zen and the Art of Filmmaking" (part 1)

First, there is no such thing as Christopher McQuarrie's "Zen and the Art of Filmmaking". I made that up. But if you've ever read Robert Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, there are parallels. Pirsig compares the romantic view of motorcycle maintenance -- thinking of a motorcycle as an ideal machine, getting frustrated when it has to be taken into the shop -- with the rational view -- where one uses problem-solving skills to diagnose and repair the bike yourself. (For those who haven't read it, it's a cool title but doesn't have that much to do with Zen Buddhism.) After watching/reading all of McQuarrie's interview, I think you will agree he is very much a highly-skilled problem-solver.

What this post is is an attempt to present (an edited) version of the transcript of Chris Lockhart's interview with Christopher McQuarrie on his podcast, The Inside Pitch. That is one heck of a remarkably candid (and generous) discussion of McQuarrie's philosophy of filmmaking, spanning over 2 hours. Among other great advice, McQuarrie discusses his experience and lessons learned in making The Usual Suspects, The Way of the Gun, Jack Reacher, and his Mission Impossible movies such as Rogue Nation. If you have searched the internet for McQuarrie's approach to screenwriting (I have) you will find this interview to be a diamond in the rough.

Now, if you are a normal person, just stop reading and go check out the 2-hour interview here. This series of posts is merely provided for those few (like me) who prefer to read things slowly. I warn you that I got this from editing the Youtube transcript, which recorded every "um"s and other speech imperfections (besides having no punctuation or upper/lower cases). Editing it has probably created a large number of errors. A minefield of my grammatical errors ahead: the reader is warned.

***

CL: Welcome to The Inside Pitch. I'm Chris Lockhart. This is our first live interview and we are starting at the very top. I'm joined by group co-admin Ramesh Santaham. Ramesh say hello.

Ramesh: Hi everyone.

CL: I want to thank him for producing this event today. if there is such a thing as having a perfect career in Hollywood our guest today has come pretty damn close. he started as a screenwriter winning a Best Original Screenplay Academy Award, amongst other accolades, for The Usual Suspects which became an instant classic. he made his directing debut with his screenplay for The Way of the Gun. he co-wrote and directed Jack Reacher and has recently been writing directing and producing the Mission Impossible movies, one of the most successful film franchises in movie history. now you may have noticed a common denominator in these titles is Tom Cruise who very well may be, and this is not hyperbole, the greatest movie star who has ever lived and with whom our guest has forged a successful creative relationship. here is producer-writer-director and Oscar winner Christopher McQuarie.

CM: I cannot possibly live up to that.

CL: I just wanted to start off with a current event question, which is that your latest film, Mission Impossible VII I believe, had to halt production in Italy because of Covid. What is it like to have to stop a freight train of a movie like that and how are you handling it and are you working toward filming again soon?

CM: Yes, well in the case of in the case of a movie like Mission Impossible, where we're constantly in a state of measured panic, we're kind of making up the movies as we go along. We have a very set plan but we're always improvising and we're always changing things on the day. Having the movie suddenly stop is actually something not only that doesn't intimidate us, it's something we've had happen before. tom broke his ankle. Rogue Nation shut down for 10 days. Ghost Protocol shut down for two weeks. All for different reasons and one of the things we have learned from all of that, and it's an expression we say on the movie all the time is, disaster is an opportunity to excel. When something goes wrong you don't panic, you don't freak out. You start to look at the at the silver lining of whatever it is. The negatives were obviously we were gonna we were gonna miss our release date. we had an actor conflict that couldn't be resolved. There were certain things where where it definitely had a negative impact on the movie. but the positive impact on that is many things that we could only just repair turned out we had a great more time to repair them. The trick then was keeping pre production going. we had actually not started shooting, we were two days away from shooting, so technically we were in the last few days even the last 36 hours of pre-production, when the movie shut down. The big benefit was we actually had a chance to write a screenplay which we didn't have two days before.

CL: Some members of the group have heard that you're not really working with the screenplay in these Mission Impossible movies.

CM: That can't be true. To the extent that it is true it depends on the movie. in the case of Ghost Protocol they had a full screenplay when I came on board. We threw out everything that they had yet to shoot. we couldn't change what they had
shot but imagine coming into a movie 10 weeks into a 17 week shoot and looking at all the assets you have. all the assets you have yet to employ, roles you have yet to cast, scenes you have yet to shoot, sets you have yet to build and sets you have yet to strike, locations you have yet to find. Essentially, take the material that's there and look at it not as the movie you were trying to make but actually the movie you had made. It's another thing that we like to say all the time – prep is the movie you want to make, production is the movie you think you're making, and post is the movie you've made. we've now flipped that whole thing around and we are prepping the movie we think we're making but we don't we know enough to to not believe that that's what we're doing. Let's take this opportunity to find a character rather than having to write one specifically and get locked into it. It gives the actors a lot of freedom. In the case of Rogue Nation, I didn't have the trust in the studio and they were pushing very hard for a finished screenplay, even if it meant writing a screenplay that they knew we would never shoot. They really just wanted the security of a document. Going into Fallout I recognized that that created more problems than it solved. It actually got people stuck on certain ideas that we were never going to use. they couldn't unthink them. They couldn't get it out of their head. so I said okay i'm just going to give an outline this time. Even the outline created expectations that people could not unlearn. They would keep bringing me designs that were referring to an outline in scenes that were just placeholders. so when they came to me to do seven and eight and, ironically, they needed me to start right away. they needed me to start the next month if we were going to make our proposed release date. I said if you need me to start shooting them if you need me to deliver the movie by this date, I have to start scouting next week. they said how are you going to scout without a script? I said truthfully for Mission Impossible you can't write a script without a location. so let me go find the locations first, figure out where the movie's taking place what the action scenes are, and then I'll tell you what the movie is. That's what we've been doing.

CL: to me just sounds like it is so anxiety-ridden.

CM: The first time you do it yes, absolutely, like anything. I mean you know the first time you make a feature film. I don't care how prepared you are it's terrifying. you think you know what you're doing and you don't find out until the editing room that you don't know what you're doing. We've simply learned to embrace that. A plan is not a guarantee of success and chaos is not a guarantee of failure. we don't create chaos deliberately, we just embrace the notion that it's coming. It's going to happen there's going to be the unexpected. Somebody's going to break their ankle, some rig is going to break down, you're going to lose a location the day before you shoot there. when you walk into a movie knowing that there is going to be a certain degree of chaos you're not caught off guard when it comes. You've already started thinking about what would I do if I couldn't do that? It used to be I would go in and try to maximize the scope of the given location. I look at a location now and go how how much of this can I shoot in the least amount of time? Kind of get the beautiful big scope shots then make sure that the stuff that I owe at the end is the small stuff that I can recreate back on stage. You watch Mission Impossible, all of the exposition in the movie, you learn all that information in cars and phone booths and in small restaurants. You learn them in locations that we can recreate and reshoot that information again and again and again. You'll also notice when they're out running around the streets of Paris they're not saying a lot. As a result that means I know I put a critical line of dialogue in Ethan Hunt's mouth while Ethan Hunt is driving around the Arc d'Triumph at 60 miles an hour, I better be pretty damn sure that line is important to be in the movie. What Tom and I have learned to do over the course of three of these movies together now is we're constantly striving to make a silent film. We're pushing harder and harder with each film to find ways to make movies where the dialogue doesn't matter. As a guy who started, you know, with a very dialogue-heavy script and still write very dialogue heavy scripts, because of the exposition I'm forced to write, I'm extremely suspicious of dialogue. I consider dialogue to be a last resort rather than a first.

***
This is continued in Part 2 here.

Breakdown and review of "The Return to Oz" (1985)

This is a detailed breakdown and review of Return To Oz, directed by Walter Murch and written by Walter Murch and Gil Dennis. It is based primarily on the L. Frank Oz books The Marvelous Land of Oz and Ozma of Oz.

While Murch is arguably the greatest editor in cinema history, this is his only directoral effort. This 1985 Disney production is primarily a live-action film with a lot of modeling, some stop-motion/claymation effects, possibly some (in camera) matte shots, and a small amount of CGI animation. It stars 9-year old Fairuza Balk as Dorothy Gale. It received an Oscar nomination for Best Visual Effects.

Dorothy and friends in Oz

Breakdown:

• The story begins 6 months after the tornado in the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy has trouble sleeping and, as before, she lives with her aunt and uncle on a farm in Kansas. Aunt Em is worried that Dorothy fantasizes too much about the creatures she met in Oz and won't sleep. The aunt and uncle want her to be treated by a doctor, but to pay for the doctor they will have to borrow money. They're the same poor farmers and their home is still needing repair from the damage caused by the tornado. As part of her chores, Dorothy tries to collect an egg from a chicken (named Billina) who she treats almost as a pet. Billina won’t lay an egg and Dorothy is afraid she will be cooked for dinner. Dorothy discovers a strange looking key which she thinks is from Oz.
  
• Aunt Em takes Dorothy sans Toto to a doctor out of town, Doctor Worley. Aunt Em leaves her there overnight. The doctor's setup suggests he will give her electroshock therapy and his nurse, Nurse Wilson, seems very unfriendly. They leave Dorothy in a room. She is scared and lonely, hearing the screams of other patients. In the mirror a young blond-haired girl appears, (This turns out to be Ozma.) She tells Dorothy that she must escape. The doctor comes to get Dorothy for her treatment. She is strapped to a gurney and taken to a room with a machine which will send an electrical charge through Dorothy. Just as they are about to throw the switch on Dorothy a thunderstorm strikes, knocking out the power to the building. The same blond girl helps Dorothy out of the straps and escape.
  
  
• As they are chased by the mean Nurse Wilson and her helpers, Dorothy and Ozma fall into a river. Dorothy grabs hold of a floating wood board, climbs onto it and falls asleep. When she wakes she is in a desert with Billina the chicken, who can now talk. They are in Oz, surrounded by the Deadly Desert. They avoid death by only stepping on rocks. Then they head to the Emerald City, which is now in ruins. All of Dorothy’s friends, such as the Cowardly Lion, have been turned to stone. The Scarecrow is missing. Only a nasty gang known as the Wheelers (they have wheels as hands and feet) are alive. They almost capture Dorothy and Billina but they escape into a hidden chamber using the key Dorothy found in Kansas. In the chamber Dorothy meets Tik-Tok, a robot who requires winding up to work. Once wound up, Tik-Tok defeats the Wheelers and makes the lead Wheeler tell them what happened: only Princess Mombi knows where the Scarecrow has gone and the Nome King is responsible for the Emerald City's destruction.
  
  
  A Wheeler
• Dorothy, Billina and Tik-Tok go to Mombi’s castle. They find Mombi (usually played by the same actor as Nurse Wilson), who has 30+ heads to choose from, each in a separate glass case on display in a long hallway. and can switch them at will. She immediately imprisons them (Dorothy, Billina and Tik-Tok) in a chamber, with the plan to let Dorothy age until she can add Dorothy's head to her collection. In their chamber they meet a creature made of sticks and a pumpkin as a head, Jack Pumpkinhead, who was animated (brought to life) by Mombi's Powder of Life. He tells them the Powder of Life is kept locked in cabinet 31. Dorothy looks around the room and designed her own flying moose with a couch as a back called a Gump. Then she sneaks out of their chamber to steal the Powder of Life. She's discovered by Mombi but manages to run back to the chamber (the some help by Ozma again), and animate the Gump. Then all of them fly off to meet the Nome King. Mombi and her Wheelers chase after them on ground on a chariot (with the Wheelers as her "horses").
  
  
  The vain and evil Princess Mombi
  
  
• They make it to the mountain of the Nome King, a man (played by the same actor who played Dr Worley) made of stone. At one point on the way there, Billina ends up inside the pumpkin used by Jack as his head. (Occasionally Billina will stick her beak out of one of the holes Jack has for an eye and say something.) He tells Dorothy that it is he alone who makes gems, such as emeralds, and so he turned Emerald City, and all its inhabitants except Scarecrow, to stone as punishment. The Scarecrow he kept and turned him into an ornament for his castle. Mombi and her crew of Wheelers show up. The Nome King is furious she allowed Dorothy to escape and imprisons Mombi in an iron cage. Dorothy wants to rescue her friend Scarecrow. Nome King wears the ruby slippers and tells Dorothy he can send her home now if she'd like. She says no, she must rescue her friend the Scarecrow.
  
  
  The Nome King tells them all there is only one way to do that. They must enter the room of ornaments and when they think they can guess which one is the Scarecrow they are to touch it and say "Oz" at the same time. They each will get three guesses. Jack Pumpkinhead tries first. He leaves the others, goes to the huge ornament room filled with vases and statues and so on, tries three guesses, fails all of them, and is turned into an ornament. Dorothy complains she wasn't told that they would be turned into an ornament if they failed. Nome King says "You didn't ask." Dorothy is last. Her first two guesses fail. For her last guess she notices a green ornament. She thinks it should be green (reminiscent of the Emerald City) and guesses correctly. They find the other green ornaments and free them as well. Nome King is furious. He eats Gump then decides to eat Jack Pumkinhead. At this point, Billina chooses to lay an egg. Just as Jack is lowered into the (claymation) Nome King's huge stone mouth the egg falls out of a hole in Jack's head into the stomach of the Nome King. "Don't you know eggs are poison?!" the Nome King yells as he turns to sand. As the Nome King's mountain crumbles around them, Dorothy finds the ruby slippers, puts them on, and wishes for all of them (including Mombi still in her cage) to return to a restored Emerald City.
  
  
  Dorothy and Tik-Tok
  
  
• Once they are there, they ask Dorothy to rule them. She refuses, wanting to go home to Kansas. However, she learns the girl who helped her is Princess Ozma, cursed by Mombi. Mombi's powers have disappeared with the Nome King so Dorothy asks Ozma to be the ruler, giving her the ruby slippers. Billina decides to stay in Oz but Dorothy says goodbye to her friends and heads back to Kansas. She learns Dr Worley's building, including all his machines, have burned down and Worley died in the fire. Nurse Wilson was arrested by the police. Dorothy's farmhouse is now completely repaired and, in her bedroom mirror, Dorothy again sees Ozma. She and Toto run outside to play.
  
  
  

Review:

First, to be clear, I enjoyed the movie. It's a movie with a different visual feel which is well-done. It's also fun to see a different take on the character of Dorothy Gale made famous by Judy Garland.

As you can see, this is a movie about a young girl in a fantasy world overcoming obstacles to save her friends. The narrative device used to create the fantasy world is to model some of the fantasy characters after characters in her real life. But that is not the point. The question is: Does the story have a logical consistency, given the rules of the fantasy world? Not quite. There are some reasonable setups and pay-offs. For example, the Oz key Dorothy found in her yard back in Kansas is uses to help her escape from the frightening Wheelers. Less believable example is Billina laying an egg at just the right time (the "point of no return") and that it is just this thing with is poisonous to the Nome King. Another example: Mombi wants to imprison Dorothy so she can have her head when Dorothy grows old enough. Is this a believable goal for an antagonist? Not really. Mombi already has over 30 such heads, all of which are prettier than young Dorothy's. Does she really need another? I have to think a typical audience would involve young kids in the 10-year old range. It seems to me the characters in the film are a bit dark for that age. However, the visuals are nice (given they were in 1985) and fun for all ages.

Main theme of this film, as in the Wizard of Oz, are friendship, loyalty, love of family. I think it is a technically impressive film but emotionally lacking. I appreciate a lot of work went into it. The SFX helps communicate plot elements (eg, how the Nome King learns about events away form his mountain hideout is via the stop-motoin/claymation stones strewn around Oz who communicate with him as if by ESP). However, the heart of the story is not helped by the technical aspects. There is some symbolism due to the connection between the characters in real life and the corresponding characters in Oz (eg, Dr Worley vs the Nome King and Nurse Wilson vs Mombi). However, except for the minor character of Billina (who Dorothy in Kansas is worried that might get eaten), that too doesn't contribute significantly to the emotional core of the story.

As far as acting and the characters go, Mombi (played by Jean Marsh) and the Nome King (Nicol Williamson) are Dorothy's main antagonists. They're portrayed competently and theoretically present real threats to Dorothy, but the sets seems too cartoonish to be taken seriously. Besides, a new 9-year old actor can't match the emotional range of Judy Garland (who was 16). I thought the plot-driven dialog for the most part conveyed facts, rather than emotion. Even when the Scarecrow is rescued, a main goal of Dorothy, we don't feel anything. They hug and the movie goes on. Comparing Balk and Garland is a bit unfair. Don't forget the Wizard of Oz was a musical featuring one of the top recording artists of the time and the Return of Oz is not a musical at all. Also, don't forget 16-year old Garland was clearly past the age to be regarded believable as a young girl. Balk is completely believable because she is a young girl.

While Murch the director chose to tell the story in a straightforward way, the pace never got boring for me (thanks to the writing, and BTW the script can be found online if you look for it). That said, I will say I didn't find the suspense or tension in the Oz world to be what I would expect, given the darkness of the story. For the suspense and tension to work, Dorothy must appear scared. Except in the Dr Worley's basement, I didn't get that sense from the direction or the acting. While the goals of Mombi and the Nome King are certainly in conflict with Dorothy's goals, to me the visuals (SFX and the action) are more captivating than the conflict. The editing was excellent and I'm sure that Murch's skills in that department made the pace flow well.

In terms of cinematography and production design, the shots were very simple wide shots, with occasional medium shots of the actors when emotion was conveyed. The only "unique" shots were the claymation/stop-motion inserts. Lighting was for the most part flat. In the "scariest" parts (Mombi's castle or Nome King's mountain) there are shadows but nothing pronounced enough to create a different mood. The Oz sets were either (a) overly ornate (eg, in Mombi's castle or Nome King's ornament room) or (b) studio sets (as the exteriors of the ruins of the Emerald City or the interiors in the Nome King's chamber), but these two seemed to have a different aesthetic. It wasn't distracting at the time but I think it indicates an inconsistent overall artistic vision. Perhaps best shots were the exteriors of the Oz countryside, which I guess were a mix of in-camera matte shots, CGI and live shots. Very good costumes overall, with skilled make-up artistry. The important thing to me was that the look of the film is different from that of a typical film. I liked that. Not the same as the Wizard of Oz. Similar but darker, with better visual effects, but a less consistent artistic aesthetic.

The claymation effects were similar to those of the great Ray Harryhausen. Personally, I found it refreshingly different (and well-done), but some of the intended younger audience (used to slick cartoons these days) might find it distracting. The effects integrated well with the story but the techniques used are a bit old-fashioned by today's standards.

Overall, this is a good movie in search of the right audience. You can enjoy it as a family film but don't be surprised if the younger ones fall asleep because it lacks emotional engagement. However, if you want a trip into the world of Oz then this is your ticket.

Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 11)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).

This is a continuation of part 9.

*

A van pulls out of the DORH Junior High parking lot. Freeman drives the DORHq JH school van down a suburban Baltimore city street. Freeman and Lincoln, wearing an arm sling, are in the front seat, and several DORHq Junior High students, including Dylan, Athena and Lydia, are in the back.

“Looking forward to the tour, kids?” Freeman asks.

“Why do we only get to go in the lobby, Uncle Freeman?” Athena asks.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. It’s a top secret facility. Don’t let on that we’re with DORHq,” Freeman says.

“What would happen if it slipped out?” Dylan asks.

“Western civilization as you know if would collapse. We’re the last line of defense against the communists, Pumpkin. Lincoln, I’m trying to drive. Can you help out a little here?”

Lincoln turns around and smiles at the kids. “Aren’t you kids excited to pretend to go on this tour?”

“Are we just pawns in my uncle’s hair-brained scheme to break into the SESI computer network?” Athena asks.

“In that case, I’m not even gonna pretend,” Dylan says.

They park, get out of the van, and enter the SESI headquarters in the warehouse district. The back wall of the building’s lobby bears a steel SESI insignia. Thick glass windows look into the lobby. A row of unoccupied chairs near the window and a row of body scanners in the back. The scanners are manned by SESI guards, including Nimskii and Pimskii. There are two interior doors behind the SESI Guards, both closed.

Eyo and Grekov stand in front of Dylan, Lydia and Athena, who stare at them with a very bored look. Freeman and Lincoln stand off to the side.

“What’s behind that door?” Athena asks Grekov.

“Top secret,” Eyo says.

“Come on, just a hint,” Lydia asks.

“S.E.S.I. means secret evil spy incorporated. They don’t teach you in school what secret means?” Eyo asks the kids. She whispers to Grekov, “Brat-nik and stupid-nik.” Eyo and Grekov laugh.

“Let’s guess,” Dylan says.

“No guessing allowed,” Grekov says.

Lydia points to door 1. “I’m guessing that is where your top-secret super-computers are stored.”

“Pfft,” says Grekov. “What kind of stupid-niks are you?”

“Okay, so the server room isn’t behind that door. It’s behind that one.” Athena and Lydia point to door number 2.

Nimskii asks Pimskii, “Are the kids running an intel-gathering operation here?”

Lincoln says to Freeman, “I’ll text Tam.” Freeman nods. Lincoln types a text on his cell phone. Eyo overhears what Lincoln says to Freeman.

“That was wonderful! Tours over. Let’s go, kids. Thank your hosts,” Freeman says.

Pimskii and Nimskii frown at Eyo and Grekov. Eyo thwacks Grekov. “Now the brat-niks know! This is all your fault,” Eyo yells.

Grekov smiles. “I have a solution.”

“What are you thinking?” Eyo asks.

“Kidnap them all,” Grekov says.

Athena, Lydia, Dylan, Lincoln and Freeman sneak towards the door, but Pimskii and Nimskii block them.

*

Deep in the SESI headquarters building, in a basement bunker-like win- dowless conference room, lots of SESI guards and agents are at one end of a large table, including Mr Blue, Grekov and Eyo. Just outside are the rest of the SESI guards. The guards push Freeman, Lincoln, Dylan, Lydia and Athena to the other end of the table. Then they slam the large steel door to the room shut.

“I searched them and only found this. The boy there had it in his pocket,” Eyo says. Eyo holds up the world’s tiniest pistol.

“Ha, ha, ha!” Mr Blue laughs. “Give poor little boy back his toy.” Eyo tosses the tiny pistol to Dylan.

“SESI’s evil plans will never succeed,” Freeman says.

“I think we’re doing pretty good so far,” Mr Blue says.

“Who’ll stop us?” Grekov says.

“I will,” Dylan says, pointing the tiny pistol at the SESIs. “This is the most powerful handgun in the world,” Dylan says.

Mr Blue smiles. “That little thing?”

“I happen to be a small arms expert."

"True, he is," Freeman says.

"And, I will blast you all to kingdom come if you don’t let us go,” Dylan says.

“You actually sound serious,” Mr Blue says. The SESI guards outside the room look in.


*

Tam sits in her office on the computer. Joe and Joanna Mustardman knock on her doorframe.

“Come on in. I wanted to talk to you about the plans,” Tam says. The Mustardmans come in.

“Sometimes it helps the thought process to pace,” Tam suggests. Tam, Joe and Joanna are pacing back-and-forth, with Joe and Joanna in perfect sync.

“One question, Tam,” Joe asks.

“Shoot,” Tam says.

“What plan are we pacing about?”

“You need a detailed plan to get into the SESI Headquarters to rescue the kidnap victims. Your promotion depends on it. SESI’s heavily guarded. Let’s think this through,” Tam says. Joe and Joanna nod in sync.

“I knew that,” Joanna says to Joe, smacking him on the arm.

“Tam, you’re the newest one here at DORHq. Let me suggest a few things,” Joe says.

“Please do,” Tam says.

“Joanna, we need a detailed plan to get into the SESI Headquarters. Our promotion depends on it. SESI’s heavily guarded,” Joe says.

“I’m way ahead of you on that,” Joanna says.

“Oh, yeah? Well, I’m way ahead of you ... being way ahead of me,” Joe says.

“Okay Joe, what’s your great plan?” Joanna asks.

“No. You first,” Joe says.

“Here’s the plan. We get a fire engine --” Joanna says.

“That’s a big negatory. Haven’t you seen Mission Impossible? That fireman stunt’s such a trope. They’ll see through it a mile away,” Joe says. “Oh, brother. Okay, Mr Trope-head, tell me this great plan of yours,” Joanna says, crossing her arms.

“Calm down. Let’s keep an open mind,” Tam says.

“Yeah, open your mind to my ingenious idea,” Joe says.

“We’re waiting with bated breath,” Joanna says.

“We call in a fake poison gas leak and show up in hazmat suits. Pretty good, huh? I already rented the hazmat suits.”

Buzz! Tam’s cell-phone buzzes a text message. “Freeman might have escaped. I’m going to go try to find out more info
from Mrs Bosch,” Tam says.

“See you later, Tam. Good brainstorming session. Thanks,” Joe says. Tam runs out of her office.

“She’s the best,” Joanna says.

“Mmmm ... I’d say she’s closer to second best,” Joe says.

“Yes, I’m obviously better,” Joanna says.

“I was talking about me, you idiot,” Joe says.

Buzz! Joanna’s cellphone buzzes and she looks at it. “Hey, I just got an email that some of the child hostages escaped. You know what this means?” Joanna says.

“I’m going to to lose my deposit on the hazmat suits?”

“It means, we’d better hurry or we won’t be able to steal the credit for the rescue. Move your fat ass. Go, go, go!” Joanna yells.


*

Inside SESI headquarters, bored SESI guards see a Haz-Mat truck pull up and park. They see two workers dressed in bulky Haz-Mat outfits exit the Haz-Mat truck. Nimkiii pokes Pimskii awake. “This could be interesting,” Nimskii says.

Joanna Mustardman, Joe Mustardman walk/waddle across the parking lot towards the lobby in bulky Haz-Mat outfits. Joanna gets ahead. “Firemen have more comfortable outfits,” she says.

“This is much better, trust me,” Joe says.

The Mustardmans struggle to get through the front door. The SESI guards watch their struggles with amusement. Shouting through the gas mask, Joe says “Poison gas. You are all going to die. Evacuate now!”

“Yes, poison gas. Get out,” Joanna says, with less enthusiasm.

No one moves. Nimskii gets up from his chair. “I didn’t hear a word. Repeat, please.”

Joe and Joanna Mustardman repeat their muffled commands. Nimskii looks at Pimskii. “What did they say, fire?”

Joe takes his mask off and yells. “No, not fire, poison gas.” Joe puts his mask back on.

“Poison gas. Oh. I don’t know what the regs are in that case. I’d better call the operations department,” Nimskii says. Nimskii sits down and picks up a phone.

Joanna looks at Joe. “This is just great.”

Nimskii nods, hangs up the phone and starts to reach for his gun.

Joe says to Joanna, “This is awkward.”

Joanna says to Joe, “Time to bail.” Joanna points to a spot behind Nimskii. “Look out behind you, a meteor!” When Nimskii turns around. Joanna and Joe speed-walk/waddle to the exit.


The area in front of the SESI building is concrete-paved but some benches and shade trees decorate the space. Jupe, SARA, Tam, Gonzo and Freeman see Joe and Joanna exit the building. They wave at them to join them.

“Shall I categorize this operation under fun?” Sara asks.

“Whatever. Sara, shut up,” Jupe says.

“Jupe, what the hell did you train Sara to do?” Freeman asks.

“Sara must have a computer malfunction,” Jupe asks.

“I’m not malfunctioning,” SARA says.

“How do we know that?” Tam asks SARA.

“Yeah, Tam’s right. How do we know SARA’s not malfunctioning? If she was malfunctioning, would she admit she’s malfunctioning? Good point, Tam,” Jupe says.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

"Stop arguing. Listen up. SARA says the laptop is around here somewhere. Let's check out the warehouse across the street," Freeman says.

Tam, Jupe and Gonzo run off. Freeman gets on his cell-phone and follows them at a walk. SARA follows behind Freeman. Joe and Joanna try t keep up.

Tam runs up to the warehouse and bangs on the door. Gonzo yanks on the door-knob. It’s locked. “Can you pick the lock, Gonzo?” Jupe asks.

“I’ll try.”

“We’ll go search for an opening around the side.” Tam and Jupe run around the side of the building into an alley. There’s a large trash bin halfway down the alley but otherwise it’s empty. Tam points to an open window out of her reach. “Jupe, lift me up.” Jupe pushes and Tam pulls herself up and climbs through the open window. Jupe runs back to join Gonzo. The front door clicks open and Jupe and Gonzo enter and see Tam running towards the back of the room.

Tam stands over a rug in the back of the room and signals Jupe and Gonzo to be quiet. Tam pulls the rug aside, revealing a hatch door in the floor. “Help me with this.”

Jupe and Gonzo open hatch door below it and stare down into the dark. Tam and Jupe descend the metal stairs, followed by Gonzo. Catching up, Freeman, out of breath, climbs down the stairs, quietly. “What do we have here?” Freeman asks.

Crash! SARA falls down the stairs. Crash! Joe falls down the stairs. Crash! Joanna falls down the stairs.

Sara stands. “I’m okay. I’m fine. No malfunction.”

Tam looks into the room. “There’s the laptop.”

"I saw it first," Joe says.

"No, I did," Joana argues, pushing Joe.

They fight in their hazmat suits, knocking SARA over, which knocks over a table, which knocks over a lamp, which causes a fire, which spreads to the laptop.

"There was the laptop," Freeman says. Tam puts jer head in her hands and cries.


The end!

Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 10)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).

This is a continuation of part 9.

*

In the exercise gym at DORHq, two very fit DORHq agents, Joe and Joanna Mustardman, are on elliptical machines. They are 30-something brother and sister and throughout their exercising, they stay in perfect sync.

“Joe, my promotion board meets today. If passed up a second time for promotion –”

“It’s up or out, Joanna, I know. Just relax, you’ll be fine. You’re brother’s watching out for you. Do you believe in free will?”

“What does that have to do with my promotion?”

“Free will has everything to do with it. Listen. If you want to speed up, you put your mind to it. Right?” Both of them speed up on the elliptical at the same time.

“Or, I can slow down if I will it so,” Joanna says. Both grab a hand-towel, wipe sweat off their forehead and then slow down
to exactly the same speed, all in perfect sync.

“Exactly. If you put your mind to this promotion, you’ll get it. It’s a matter of free will.”

“No, Joe. You’re confusing free will with will power.”

“That’s exactly the kind of negative attitude that won’t get you promoted.” Tam enters. Joe and Joanna Mustardman stop pedaling and greet Tam at exactly the same time. “Tam!”

“I have an assignment for you two,” Tam says.

“Cappuccino?” Joe asks.

“How about a mochaccino?” Joanna asks.

“No, I don’t want you to get me any coffee. I want you to help out with an actual spy assignment. Hit the showers. I’ll meet you in your office in half an hour.” Tam leaves.

In sync, Joe and Joanna Mustardman smile and do a fist pump.

After getting cleaned up, Joe and Joanna sit in their shared office, in their neatly arranged desks. They are playing Rock-Paper-Sissors but each time they pick exactly the same thing.

Tam enters. “Listen up. It’s called Operation Mr Blue. Agent Freeman Penn is running it as we speak.”

“Joanna, here’s what you do. You –”

“Stop, Joe. Who’s in charge here, you? No. Tam is. What should I do, Tam?”

“Listen Joanna, when we raid SESI Headquarters, you take the SESI Agent guards out of commission. Then, you’ll get the credit when the operation is a success,” Joe says.

“That actually might work,” Tam says.

“See, Joanna? You’re brother’s looking after you.”

“I’ll share the credit with you,” Joanna says.

“I’ll kill you if you don’t,” Joe says.

“You’re confusing will power with kill power,” Joanna says. They laugh, in perfect sync.

“Good luck, you two. Oh, and if you see a SESI laptop, steal it. Now, I’ve got my own operation to get to,” Tam says as she exits.


*

The conclusion (finally!) is here: part 11.

Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 9)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).

This is a continuation of part 8.

*

That night, in Tam’s bedroom, Tam sits on Dmitrii, who’s tied down on her bed. Both are giggling and dressed in skimpy, sexy, spy-related bedroom outfits. Tam has a large feather which she teases Dmitrii with.

“I’ve got a top secret for you. It’s a hard target, under cover,” Dmitrii whispers.

Tam tickles Dmitrii and he squirms. “You’d better give that hard target to me, or else.”

“You’ll have to find it. I’ve been trained to resist your tickles.”

Tam applies the feather to Dmitrii’s armpits and he laughs and squirms. “I’ve got you now, DORHq double-agent Dmitrii.”

“Give me the best you’ve got!”

“I have a surprise for you.”

“Yeaah! I love surprises. Is Mattie hiding in the closet?” Dmitrii asks. Tam backs off. “Mattie? Gawd no. What the hell are you thinking? Are you in love with her?”

“No. I thought we were kidding around. Why? Aren’t you going out with Lincoln?” Dmitrii asks.

“I’ve never gone out with him. Not once.”

“It’s just you and me?”

“Just you and me, babe,” Tam says.

“Come here,” Dmitrii says in his sexy voice.

Tam resists. “No.”

“I just want to give you a tiny kiss,” Dmitrii begs. Tam lets him. As he kisses her more and more all over, she starts to moan. “You are so beautiful.”

“You’re a bad boy,” Tam says.

“I need to be punished.” She tickles Dmitrii and he squirms and laughs helplessly.

“I got your laptop back,” Tam says.

Dmitrii stops laughing. “What?”

“Seriously.”

“You are one hell of a very good girl. When can I have it back?” “Maybe tomorrow, assuming I’m satisfied. And I think you know what I mean.” Dmitrii smothers Tam in kisses and she dissolves in giggles.


*

Grekov drives behind a recent model DORHq van with Nimskii, in the passenger seat.

Nimskii’s dressed in a black nun’s habit-like outfit with a white collar. “I look silly in this disguise.”

“I won’t tell," Grekov says, hiding a snicker.

Outside the SESI headquarters, Tam sits on a bench. She’s wearing sunglasses and pretends to read a newspaper. She watches the SESI Agents entering and departing from the black concrete and glass building. She has a backpack, which she sets the laptop on the bench and opens it up. She whispers to herself. “I wonder if I can access the SESI wifi network from here. Password? What would Dmitrii use as a password?” Tam types ILoveYouTam. “It works! You are so sweet.”

About fifty feet away, Lan-Po and No-Wei peek around the corner of the SESI headquarters building. “That’s her. She’s got it,” No-Wei tells Lan-Po. Lan-Po is laser-focused. “I’ll get it,” Lan-Po says.

On her bench, Tam types on the laptop. “I’m in,” she says to herself.

Lan-Po and No-Wei sneak up on Tam. Lan-Po grabs the laptop from Tam and runs away with No-Wei close behind.

“Hey!” Tam yells.

Just then, coincidentally, Grekov and Nimskii drive past the SESI headquarters building. Nimskii sees Lan-Po and No-Wei take the laptop from Tam. “Do you see that?” he asks Grekov.

“What the hell?” Grekov pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a pair of binoculars and watches them approaching her van. Nimskii pulls a gun from his habit. “Should I kill them?” Nimskii asks.

“A gun is too risky. Get out and get it. Aren’t you glad you’re wearing a disguise?” Grekov asks.

Nimskii gets out and jogs up to the two thieves, knocks down No-Wei, pushes Lan-Po against a wall, punches him, grabs the laptop, and runs back to the van.

“That nun has a great right cross,” Lan-Po says, nursing a sore jaw.

Nimskii gets back in the van with the laptop. “That was easy.”

“Like taking candy from baby.” Grekov roars off.


*

This is continued here: part 10.

Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 8)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).

This is a continuation of part 7.

*

Tam and Dmitrii sit at a small table near the window of the Last Drop Coffee Shop sharing a coffee and muffin.

“The good news is that I’ve found where my stolen laptop is stored. I had to promise Eyo a month of free cappuccino every morning.”

“I could have told you that. It’s at the CHUMPS headquarters. I’m tracking its GPS chip,” Tam says.

“Now you tell me? But never mind that. The point is I can’t get in there. It’s guarded like Fort Knox."

"Talk to you tomorrow. I have an idea," Tam says with a sly smile. She leaves thinking of Mattie, her identical twin sister.

In Mattie’s two-story house, the shag-carpeted hallway leads to a bedroom. Tip-toeing, Mattie eyes Tam quietly opening a drawer in her bedroom at the end of the hall. Mattie wears a red necklace, while Tam’s necklace is white. Mattie steps silently into the bedroom. It’s a messy bedroom, with dirty clothes and spy gear scattered around. Tam holds Mattie’s CHUMPS I.D. badge and a CHUMPS cap. She’s poking through a draw with a silencer-equipped pistol.

“I always love seeing my sister, especially when she’s got a P228.”

Tam, startled, turns and points the gun at Mattie. A box of tampons covers the barrel. Tam shakes it off and tampons fly all over.

“How did you get in?” Mattie asks.

“Your basement door’s open,” Tam says.

“That door wasn’t open.”

“It is now.”

“Who said you could borrow my I.D. badge and cap?”

With a sarcastic smirk, Tam waves her gun in Mattie’s face. “This does.”

“You won’t shoot.”

PFFT! A shot goes into the floor between Mattie's legs.

“Tam, you shot my floor!”

“It’s shag carpet. It’ll comb over.”

“It won’t comb over! I’m telling Dad.”

“Then I’ll tell him you’re working for the CHUMPS. Put on these handcuffs.” Tam tosses Mattie a pair of handcuffs.

“Is this because I borrowed your dress to the prom? That was years ago. Are you still mad about that?”

“Stay away from Dmitrii,” Tam says.

“Never heard of him.”

“You stole his laptop.”

Mattie starts to fluff her pillows. “You think you’re so smart.”

“While you were stealing my boyfriends, I was studying,” Tam says.

“That’s a lot of studying,” Mattie says.


*

Lan-Po enters a concrete and glass red building. In the lobby, Lan-Po looks at the large steel block letters spelling out “CHUMPS” and straightens his tie proudly. Lan-Po is beaming ear-to-ear as he enters No-Wei’s office. Lan-Po pulls a form out of his pocket and hands it to No-Wei.

“You correctly filled out all the forms, even if they are back-dated. Still I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you, sir. We make a great team.” Lan-Po smiles proudly.

No-Wei hands Lan-Po the stolen SESI laptop. “We’re not a team. Now take this laptop to the storage room.”

Lan-Po slumps out with the laptop. He takes it to the CHUMPS Tech Lab. As he leaves, he doesn’t notice Tam (disguised as Mattie), wearing a backpack, a white necklace and a red CHUMPS cap. She slip into the Lab unseen. Lan-Po goes to the men’s room down the hall.

The CHUMPS break room has a microwave, fridge, coffeemaker and tables and chairs. It’s a neat, economical space.

Tam as Mattie, leaves steps into the room, looks around, then surreptitiously peels rubber fingerprint skins off her fingers and throws them away. She has a backpack, partially unzipped.

Lan-Po appears behind her, holding a muffin. “Excuse me Agent Mattie. We met last week at the new agent orientation.”

“Ahh, yes of course. Last week.” Flustered, Tam as Mattie sets her backpack down at a nearby table. Inside, unseen by Lan-Po, is the SESI laptop. Tam as Mattie zips up the backpack.

“May I ask you a question?” Lan-Po asks.

“Of course you can. What can I do for you?” Tam as Mattie says. She sips a coffee.

“It’s a big request.”

“You’re a junior agent. I’m a senior agent. Whatever I can do to help you, I’m going to do. Name it.”

“Will you be my mentor?” Lan-Po pleads.

Tam as Mattie does a spit take and coughs. “Excuse me? I didn’t quite catch that.”

“Mentor. Will you please be my mentor? I was assigned Agent No-Wei –”

“Agent Hu?!”

“Not Hu, No-Wei.”

“Oh, Agent No-Wei! I thought you said Hu!”

“Who’s Agent Hu?”

“Never mind Hu. Are you insane? Agent No-Wei’s really your mentor? Do you think I want to mess with Agent No-Wei? Do you know what happened to the last person who crossed Agent No-Wei?”

“No, what?”

“Hu knows.” Tam as Mattie grabs her backpack and leaves.

“I had to ask,” Lan-Po says.


*

This is continued here: part 9.

Very Bad Spies (short story 21, part 7)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

This one is so long it's broken into parts. Inspired by Get Smart and Chuck, it features the competing spy agencies DORHq (pronounced dork), for Domestic Operations and Reconnaissance Headquarters, SESI (pronounced sissy), for Secret Evil Spies Incorporated, and CHUMPS, for Chinese Underground Mobile Precinct of Spies. There's even a short webseries Tam's World featuring some of the characters (see this blog for more information or this youtube channel).

This is a continuation of part 6.

*

In the co-ed DORHq locker room, several DORHQ agents, both male and female, change into or out of their DORHq jackets and caps. Lincoln and Gonzo, using neighboring lockers, put their bullet-proof vest on under their shirt.

“Nope, nothing,” Gonzo says as he puts on cologne.

“Gonzo, I don’t believe you. You’re meeting someone special. Who?” Gonzo shakes his head.

“Come on, tell me. Who’s the lucky girl?” Lincoln pleads.

“Okay, yes. Tam, at the pistol range.”

Lincoln’s jealous. “You are? Right now?”

“Sorry for lying but I knew you’d be jealous and I didn’t want to –”

“Me, jealous? Pfft. No. It’s just that she told me she’ll be there at one p.m., not at noon,” Lincoln says with an innocent look on his face.

“Oh, really? Thanks, man! I guess I got my times mixed up.”

“Hey, glad to help.”

Gonzo leaves.

“Very glad to help. Loser,” Lincoln says under his breath.

A long, low building in the warehouse district has a sign next to the entrance says

DORHQ pistol range

It’s only a few miles from the headquarters. A car pulls into the parking lot. Lincoln gets out of the car looking like The Terminator with his sunglasses, gold box of roses, and black leather jacket, opens the front door and enters. Lincoln looks around the lobby of the pistol range. The clock on the wall says noon. Lincoln heads to the front desk.

The clerk looks up. “Can I help you?”

“I’m supposed to meet Tam Taylor.” Lincoln looks to the gold box in his arms and smiles at the Clerk. “Red roses.”

The Clerk points to a doorway. “Go get her, Romeo.”

Lincoln gives the clerk a thumbs up as he disappears down a hallway. The shooting gallery is noisy - the guns yell blam, blam, blam as they shoot targets hung way down long range, A dozen booths in a row each house a shooter.

Tam, her dad Ray Taylor, and Jupe are crowded in her booth, each wearing ear muffs. “Are we almost done? What about that stolen laptop?” Tam asks.

“All interns have to do this training,” Jupe says.

“One more bull-eye Pumpkin and your pistol training lesson can be checked off,” Ray says.

“I feel like hunting for that laptop is a better use of our time,” Tam says.

“Agreed, but you won’t get promoted if you don’t do the mandatory training,” Jupe says.

“Hey Pumpkin, do you remember in Terminator 2 when the Terminator had that box of flowers hiding his double-barreled pump-action shotgun? Ch-Chk, Boom!”

“Yeah Dad, I remember.”

“If the new Terminator was so smart, why didn’t he make his arm into a bigger shotgun?”

“Ray, you don’t know anything. The Terminator can’t do that. He can only make himself into a sword,” Jupe says.

“That’s a big wrong-a-roni. Only the T1000 model could make a sword. Call me the Terminator nerd. I know the whole series,” Ray says.

As if in slow motion, Lincoln walks towards Tam with the gold box, Terminator-style. He taps on Tam’s shoulder. Tam turns, sees the box of roses, and jumps in horror. Lincoln, seeming like The Terminator, stands in front of her with flowers.

Ray and Jupe yell, “Tam! Aahhh, the Terminator! Shoot, Tam, shoot!” Tam holds her gun with both hands and aims at Lincoln’s chest.

Flowers fly to the ceiling. Lincoln screams. “Don’t shoot!” Lincoln back-peddles, trips over himself and falls on the floor. “Owww!” Lincoln holds his arm.

“Linc, what are you doing here?” Tam asks.

“That’s no Terminator, that’s Lincoln. You dumb-ass, scaring us like that,” Jupe snaps.

“Sorry, I only meant to surprise Tam,” Lincoln says, holding his arm.

“Mission accomplished,” Tam says.

“I gotta say, Tam, solid grip, good stance. Counts as a bulls-eye in my book,” Ray says.

“You should’ve shot him,” Jupe says.

With his good arm, Lincoln pulls a thorny rose out from under his leg, but it’s crushed. “For you, Tam.” Lincoln holds up the red crushed rose.

Tam tries to eek out a smile. "This is just great," she says with a touch of sarcasm.


*

This is continued here: part 8.