It's the first day of school at SAJH. Secret Agent Junior High is just like a normal junior high, except that it's in a top secret facility. Windows look onto an equally secure interior courtyard. Another thing, the subjects taught are slightly different - dodgeball is replaced by hand-to-hand combat, introduction to computers is replaced by advanced computer hacking, and so on. They also teach small arms weaponry, cryptography, the history of bio-weapons, and you get the picture.
The classroom has windows on one side facing an interior courtyard, desks in the middle, tables in back, and a blackboard and teacher's desk in front. There are displays around the room -- different types of knives, swords, handguns, rifles, and so on. There are also spy-craft displays -- a codebook, miniature cameras, cell phones, telescopes, and so on.
The middle-aged teacher, Mr Myers, wearing a chalk-stained elbow-padded corduroy sports jacket, is in front writing lessons on the black board. The young teaching assistant, Ms Evans, wearing a sweater and slacks, is handing out materials and taking roll.
"Seats everyone! Please don't touch that!" Mr Myers yells.
Although only 14 years old, Ivy is strong for her age, having two black belts in martial arts. While she doesn't look it, she's the state 16 and under girls weight-lifting champion. She approaches the table in the back of the room and picks up a Spanish Ameli, a machine gun on display. "What's this?" Ivy asks.
"Down! Everyone down!" Ms Evans shouts.
Everyone drops to the floor. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM! Glass flies from the windows, books blast apart, AAAAYYYYEEEEIIII!!, everyone, including Ivy, is screaming. Finally, Ivy drops it with a loud clatter and a thud.
Max, a 14 year old boy looks up from his crouched position and asks, "What happened?" He's got short neatly combed black hair and is the only student wearing a suit and tie.
"That was Ivy touching a hair trigger," Mr Myers says calmly.
The crisp morning air through the now glassless windows ruffles papers in an otherwise silent room. "Nice breeze," Ms Evans says, her hair blowing in the cool wind coming in through the window.
"Nice breeze," Ms Evans says, her hair blowing in the cool wind coming in through the window.
"Anyone hurt?" Mr Myers asks.
Ms Evans wanders around the room, checking on the kids. "Everyone's okay," she says calmly.
"Good. No harm, no foul. Who forgot to put the safety on?" Mr Myers asks.
"What is a safety?" Max asks. Ms Evans tsk-tsks at Max while she gets a broom and sweeps up broken glass and stacks bullet-ridden books in a pile. Max, whistles innocently. "I think I'll go quietly stand in the corner," he says.
"Everyone, welcome to your first day of Secret Agent Junior High School," Mr Myers says brightly. "Take your seat."
In a moments, except for Max in the corner, all students are seated at their desks. In front, Ms Evans hands Mr Myers the attendance sheet. "Thank you Ms Evans. No gold star for you Max, but you can be seated now."
Max sheepishly winds his way through the desks to his seat. Class bully Martin thwacks him on the head as his passes, messing up he hair. "Ouch!" Max says.
"Martin, would you --" Ms Evans warns. Martin interrupts with a fake apology. "Sorry, it was an accident."
Mr Myers points to the student in front to his left, Trixie. "Starting with you, let's all say our names and our specialty. Trixie, you begin."
"Call me Q. I specialize in disguised devices," Trixie says.
"Thank you, Q. Moving on, Felix, tell us, what's your specialty?" Mr Myers asks.
"Drugs."
"Drugs that help wounded agents? Or mind-altering drugs to confuse the enemy? Can you be more specific?" asks Mr Myers.
Achooo! "Allergy drugs. I'm allergic to everything, and I forgot my pills this morning. But I'd like to try those mind-altering drugs, if you have any," Felix says with a sniff.
Mr Myers hands Felix a kleenex. "You're excused to see the nurse." Nicole sits behind Felix, who leaves the classroom sneezing. He points to her and says, "Moving on. Nicole, you're next - go ahead."
Most of the rest of the class does their introductions, as a crisp morning breeze blows through the room.
"Last but not least, we have Lydia and Max. Which of you wants to go first?" Mr Myers asks.
Blond-haired 14 year old Lydia sits behind Max in the last row, back corner. She's watching a video with the volume off on her cell-phone beneath her desk, so no one can see what she's doing. It's a selection of physical comedy by Maxwell Smart on youtube.
"Some days it seems I can't do anything right. I don't know what I can specialize in," Max says. He's a bit down. He almost got everyone killed, so that's to be expected.
"Any special skills?" Ms Evans asks in a kind voice.
Max shakes his head, "No."
"Dude, go for small weapons expert, I'll teach you everything I know!: says Mark, seated in the middle of the room. Max shakes his head again.
John, seated in front in Max's row, turns around. "Be a hacker! I'll show you all my mad skills," John offers. Max shakes his head again.
Debbie, in the middle of the class next to Mark, turns around. "I can teach you karate. I'm a 2nd degree black belt. I run every morning at 5am. Start tomorrow?" Debbie asks. Max shakes his head again.
Sutinder, next to John the front row, looks up at Mr Myers. "I can teach Max crypto, Mr Myers," Sutinder offers.
Max says, "I got an F in my last math class." Sutinder grimices and shakes his head.
"Thank you all for your generous offers of help. Max, I have to ask, why did you join Secret Agent High School in the first place?" Mr Myers asks.
"Yes, Max, think about your inner motivations. What are your inspirations? What drives you?" Ms Evans asks.
"Well ... I ..." Max stammers. "Yes?" ask Mr Myers and Ms Evans simultaneously. "What I really w-want ..." Max stammers. "Yes?" the class says, hopefully. "I just wanted a date with 99," Max says.
"Did you say 99?" John asks.
"Secret agent 99," Max says. Several students sputter and laugh. "Agent 99 from Get Smart the old TV show?" Mr Myers asks. "Yes!" says Max enthusiastically.
All the students but Lydia roar with laughter. Ms Evans puts her hands over her face.
"Moving along, right Mr Myers?" Felix asks laughing.
Max, embarrassed, puts his head down on the desk.
"Forget the karate lessons," says Debbie.
"Lydia? Last but not least, please introduce yourself," says Ms Evans.
Lydia closes her cell-phone. Max sniffs. "I'm Agent 99," Lydia says. All the students turn to look at Lydia, in a perfect imitation of Barbara Feldon/Agent 99, with 1970s clothes and wig. Stunned silence.
"Very impressive, Lydia. Your specialty?" Mr Myers asks.
"Disguises. This one's my favorite," Lydia answers.
Max turns around to look at Lydia/99, who smiles back. He wipes a tear from his eye and beams a big smile.
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