The story below was inspired by Poe's short King Pest, 1835.
* A majestic night has descended over the neo-noir city of downtown Baltimore. A soft rain falls, reflecting the bluer blues and yellower yellows in the sidewalks. Vibrant colors everywhere. An art deco sign over the neon-lit entrance screams “Hard Knock Bar”. An Uber drops off two sisters, Mattie and Tam, at the sidewalk in front. They wear short skirts and tight short-sleeve tops. Even out on the street, you can feel the bass and hear the pounding trance music coming from inside. Neither girl is even 18, but they have perfectly good fake IDs from the great state of Washington that swears they're 21. Looking stylish, they somehow don't get wet as they walk the sidewalk, even thought waters drops off the bouncers outside. The girls smile to the bouncers and breeze through the club entrance.
Tam whispers to Mattie, "We're late because of you."
"It's not my fault, Tam,'' pleads Mattie. "The game box spazzed out when I started surfing.''
"Surfing for what?'' Tam asks.
"I was downloading “Serial Mom”. I had a coupon code k1ng_Pe5T for a free copy,'' Mattie says. ``After I downloaded it the whole thing rebooted.''
"We'll watch it later. Who doesn't love John Waters?'' Tam admits.
Just as they enter into the large room with the long bar everything goes black for a split second. When lights go up, the trance music gets louder, and colors get even more vivid than they already were.
"Did you see that?'' Tam asks.
"Weird lighting is all. Relax,'' Mattie says.
Tam ogles a 20-something year old muscular bartender is busy behind the bar cleaning up. "I have to admit, for once you chose a good place to play. Lots of cute guys,'' Tam says.
Mattie winks at him. "Oh, bartender! Give me a double gin and tonic.'' Tam smiles and asks him, "And can I have a beer, please?". The bartender comes over, checks their ID, looks at them, then serves them their drinks. "You're cute,'' Mattie says with a smile. The bartender smiles politely then leaves and flirts with a cute young girl at the other end of the bar.
Mattie takes a long gulp. "He's probably gay anyway. Pay the tab. Let's go.'' Mattie stands.
"You invited me. You pay. I don't have any money.''
"Since when have I ever paid? I'm going to the powder room.'' Tam and Mattie sneak down the hallway leading to the bathrooms and some storage rooms.
"That bartender's going to find out any minute that we left without paying,'' Tam says.
"Quiet, I'm trying to think. We need to hide.'' Mattie tests the storage room doors but they're all locked.
"How about the bathroom?'' Tam asks.
"No, stupid, that's the first place they'll look!''
A barback carrying a case of beer exits a storage room nearby and heads towards the bar. Mattie pushes Tam through the storage room door before it closes. Tam and Mattie are alone, surrounded by rows and rows of stacked boxes of beer, wine, gin, and vodka. There's a small light near the door but the overhead lights are out. Mattie pulls out her cellphone and uses it as a flashlight.
"This place must have a back door,'' Mattie says. They sneak along until they spot a door in the back of the room. Mattie opens it, and they step into another hallway.
This hallway is much nicer, with decorative wallpaper and deco-style lighting. The door clicks shut behind them. Tam tries the door but it's locked. No way to for but forward. Three other doors are further down the hall.
Legs, a tall woman in her 30s, and Huge, a very short man about the same age, stand outside one of the doors. Huge puckers his lips and winks at Legs. Smooch.
"Huge, go to hell. Give me that wink one more time I will clock you,'' Legs says.
Tam and Mattie approach them.
Signaling stop with one arm, Legs confronts Mattie. "Hold your horses, you two.''
"I'll handle this, Legs. Can I help you ladies?''
"We were just looking for --'' Tam timidly begins.
"Some action,'' Mattie confidently finished.
"What kind of action?'' Huge asks.
Mattie points to the nearest door. ``The fun through that door there.''
``That the ladies bathroom,'' Legs says.
Tam runs for it and slams the door behind her.
``I meant that other door,'' Mattie says, pointing to another one.
``The men's room?'' Huge asks.
Tam exits the bathroom and walks back to Mattie. "No toilets? Nothing in there but four white walls.''
"It's under construction,'' Legs says.
Mattie points to the third door. "What about that door?''
"Oh, that door. Say the magic word and you're in,'' Huge says.
Tam looks at Mattie. "Magic word? What does that mean?" Tam asks.
Mattie smiles - a lightbulb goes off. "King Pest.''
"She knows the magic word,'' Legs says.
Print by James Ensor, 1895.
Huge opens the door and looks in. A pudgy middle-aged man with a large forehead, King Pest, sits at a card table covered with money, drinks and cards. Next to his is the very tall Queen Pest, with a round face and a velvet dress. The other card players drink and rearrange their cards. Bottles of wine and various drinks are on a nearby wooden table. At the edge of the space people watch the game. A few people of them have passed out drunk.
Tam, Mattie, Huge and Legs enter. "King Pest, these girls want to play,'' Legs says.
"Look, some lovelies!'' King Pest says, looking Tam and Mattie up and down.
"But they don't have money to buy a seat,'' Queen Pest warns.
"How did she know that?'' Tam asks.
"Wait. We really want to play. Isn't there something we can do? Anything at all?'' Mattie asks.
"There is something you can do,'' King Pest says. King Pest tosses Mattie and Tam glittery server costumes which leave very little to the imagination. "Put these on and serve us drinks. Do that and you can play the next round.''
Queen Pest holds up her glass. "Fill 'er up, girls.''
Tam and Mattie nods and instantly don the skimpy server outfits. They refill the glasses of the card players.
Queen Pest slams her cards down, shouting "I fold.'' The red-headed card player raises a hand as if to ask Queen Pest a question, then passes out, falling to the floor. The blond card player laughs loudly at the red-head, then belches and passes out, also dropping to the floor.
"Lucky you, looks like we're two players short. You girls are in,'' King Pest says.
Tam and Mattie step over the passed out players and sit at the card table. "Uhmm ... can you spot us some green?'' Mattie asks.
"No,'' Queen Pest shouts.
"Hit reset,'' Tam says.
Back in the real world, Tam and Mattie are dressed as normal teenagers in t-shirts and sweatpants, sitting on the floor in front of a TV. They also wear VR headsets for a video game. The TV screen shows a freeze-frame of their an animated version of their gameplay, with “Reset” superimposed over it. They take off their headsets and stand up and stretch.
Their 40-year old mom enters with a bag of gifts in one hand and a purse in the other. "You girls sure you don't want to come to Grandma's with me? I'm leaving now.''
"Thanks Mom. We're just taking a break from studying for the big test tomorrow,'' Mattie says.
"No video games. No parties. Feed Rufus --''
"Twice a day, we know. I'll walk him every morning. Don't worry,'' Tam says.
Mom kisses Tam and Mattie. "Call me if you need anything. Love you. Bye.'' Mom leaves out the front door. Moments later they hear the car start up and drive off.
"How do we play without money? And how did the Queen Pest player know we didn't have any? That was freaky,'' Tam asks.
"Simple. You went in the wrong door. That short guy offers you one door but you have to look for another one. We'll have money in that door.''
"What other door? There wasn't another one. And what's up with the password being the movie download coupon code?''
"You're just jealous I guessed it instead of you," Mattie says.
"I don't like it. Something weird's going on,'' Tam says.
"Don't chicken out on me,'' Mattie warns. "Let's play." They don their headsets.
Tam and Mattie sit at the Hard Knock bar again, wearing their short skirts as before. The bartender, with a spikier hairdo than last time, is busy behind the bar cleaning up. He turns to Mattie as she sits down. The bartender winks at Mattie. "Sex on the beach?''
"Excuse me?'' Mattie replies.
The bartender points to a sign over the bar listing tonight's specials. Next to the pink-lettered "Sex on the Beach" is a line drawing of a couple having sex on a beach. "It's the drink special tonight.''
Mattie nods. "One for each of us.''
"That's not supposed to happen, is it?'' Tam asks.
"He winked at me. Big deal. Maybe he's not gay after all.''
"That's the same bartender. He shouldn't say that after a reset.''
The bartender brings over the drinks. "Enjoy, ladies.'' He moves off and starts to clean the far end of the bar.
"I want to hit reset,'' Tam says.
"No. Don't be a buzzkill," Mattie says.
Tam looks around. Her sight settles on the hallway to the bathrooms. "We go to that bathroom hallway again. You'll see there are only three doors, like I said. Then we're quitting.''
"Now you're talking," Mattie says. "And type k1ng Pe5T as the cheat code this time.''
Tam and Mattie sneak down the hallway and wait near the ladies room. The same barback emerges from the storeroom, acknowledges Tam and Mattie with a smirk, and heads to the bar. Tam pushes Mattie through the open door. Tam and Mattie are alone in the storeroom, surrounded by stacked boxes of beer, wine and vodka. Mattie pulls out her cellphone and uses it as a flashlight and they walk to the door in the back of the room. They open the door and step into the hallway, as before.
This hallway is nicer, with decorative wallpaper and deco-style lighting, but the color palette and decor is slightly different. As the door clicks shut behind them, Legs and Huge look their way.
"They're different,'' Tam says. "Now, let's go.''
"No they aren't,'' Mattie says.
"I'll handle this, Legs. Can I help you ladies?'' Huge asks.
"See? What did I tell you? Three doors, you lose,'' Tam says. "Let's quit.''
"If you'd have typed in the cheat code like I told you to, there'd be another door,'' Mattie says.
Back in reality, an empty driveway with weeds popping through cracks in the concrete leads up to a peach-colored rancher. A bluejay kaws in an apple tree in the front yard. Through the living room window to see Tam and Mattie sitting in front of a computer with VR headsets and hand controllers.
"I don't even know how to enter a cheat code,'' Tam confesses, taking a sip from a can of diet coke.
"Wait just one second.'' Mattie enters the cheat code into her controller. "And, restart.''
"This is cheating,'' Tam says
"Duh.''
This hallway has the same decorative wallpaper and deco-style lighting, same characters Huge and Legs, but now there are four doors. "I'll handle this, Legs. Can I help you ladies?'' Huge asks.
"We were looking for some action,'' Mattie says.
"Well, this is the place.'' Legs smiles and leads them to the third door. "Have fun, girls.'' Legs opens the door for them, steps aside, and Tam and Mattie enter.
Before the door closes behind them, Huge says "No fair cheating now.''
King Pest and Queen Pest greet them, looking uglier and more grotesque than ever. "Welcome back, my lovelies,'' Queen Pest slurs.
"So, you want some action? You've met my Queen. Now you talk to me. I am King Pest. ''
Queen Pest sneers.
``You like "Serial Mom"?''
``Who doesn't love John Waters?'' King Pest asks.
``Hit reset. Mattie, hit reset,'' Tam yells.
``How did you know about that?'' Mattie asks.
Queen Pest laughs. "You're not the only one with cheat codes.'' Queen Pest pulls a controller from a pocket of her dress. After a few clicks, the outfits Tam and Mattie wear instantly change to the glittery server outfits, which seem even skimpier this time.
"Whoa, what happened? ... Oh, no,'' Mattie says.
"Oh, yes,'' Queen Pest says.
"We're stuck in the game,'' Tam says.
*
The driveway with weeds popping through cracks in the concrete leads to a big rectangular patch of dirt and rocks where the peach-colored rancher once stood. A bluejay kaws and flies from the apple tree to the dirt patch, and digs for seeds.
"Yes, you are. Now, pour me a drink, lovelies. Pour us all a drink,'' says the voice of King Pest.
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