2020-05-13

The moon of the seventh witch (short story 14)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.

The story below was inspired by a talks given at the 2019 Columbia Film Festival on horror-comedy (in particular a script reading and writer Jamie Nash's commentary on it).

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The local hairdresser's is a safe place for many women. Safe for the neighborhood women to talk about problems with their children, their parents, their husband or boyfriend (or wife or girlfriend), their annoying neighbor. Safe to talk about all these things, then get some comforting advice and a new look. When a safe place suddenly becomes unsafe, and trusted advice becomes evil intent, then it can seem like the world has flipped over on its edge. But, we're getting ahead of ourselves...

Chinese cousins Min and Jie are two very ambitious filmmakers living in Bejing. Much more Laurel and Hardy than the Duffer brothers. They work in their Grandma Nishi's beauty salon. Mostly it's sweeping after the business has closed for the day, setting up things before the start of the day, but sometimes it is to drive out and run errands or pick up supplies. For example, every day they pick up lunch for the hair dressers, a simple task which seems to take them twice the time it should. But Nishi is a patient grandma, as long as they behave. But when they misbehave, well, we're getting ahead of ourselves again ...

By a stroke of sheer luck, during promotion of a previous film,  Seventh Moon (a horror film based on Chinese occult), the famous director Ernesto del Luna had mentioned to one of his Chinese producers, an old wizardly looking fellow names Wu, that he has a special interest in the Chinese occult. In fact, on the plane flight over, del Luna said he'd read a book on the powerful Chinese witch Nishang. He is looking for
locations in mainland China for his next horror movie, one that might take place in a beauty salon. Limited locations, low budget, prefect.

So Wu made sure del Luna was invited to have dinner in the house of Min and Jie's grandma, Nishi. A large dinner table was set and del Luna managed to eat a good proportion using chopsticks. To make polite conversation, he mentioned his fascination with Chinese magic and the book he read a book on Nishang. (Little did he know that Grandma Nishi is none other than Nishang herself.) Min and Jie ask del Luna for details form the book. del Luna tries to recall the few facts he can remember. Nishi politely avoids correcting him, but instead smiles at his mistakes. She knows the book. She thinks it's full of errors, but she doesn't tell anyone. del Luna also (probably just to be polite) said he admired a small ornate carving, a piece of art in Nishi's home. (Little did he know that this was something used by Nishang in her magic. The carving is associated to an evil spirit monster that Nishi can summon at will using it. But, again, we are getting ahead of ourselves.) Nishi politely changes the topic of conversation to her hair salon. Min and Jie kindly offer to show it to del Luna before he has to return to America.

What does a witch have to do with movie directors and hairdressers you ask? This is where the genius of the great Mr. del Luna comes in. After he visits Nishi's hair salon, he decides his next movie is going to be set in Maryland, not China, and its title will be The Moon of the Seventh Witch. Using local talent lets him save money and time on traveling. Besides, the visit to Nishi's salon reminded him of the Cape St. Clair Hairsalon only an hour's drive away for his house. 

Back to our dynamic duo, Min and Jie. They are not just cousins but best friends, united in the desire to be the next Ernesto del Luna, at least whatever his analog would be in Bejing. This is why they've set their sights on making a BTS video documentary of Ernesto del Luna's The Moon of the Seventh Witch. They know the film is to be shot in Maryland, but that doesn't stop our tenatious heros. With confident enthusiasm, let's call it pure chutzpah, Min and Jie approach the legendary Ernesto del Luna, about their BTS documentary idea. Ernesto says "No, thanks, too busy.'' 

Not one to waste time, del Luna starts casting actors for his film. The moon witch will be played by a method actress named Devilla. One name, that's the way she likes it. And don't kid around and call her The Blair Witch, or she'll go full-blown bat-shit crazy on you. Don't ask me why. I think she thinks she's more of a bad-ass witch than Blair Witch ever was, but trust me you'll want to avoid that topic of conversation. (And don't mention Devilla to Nishang, who is dismissive of Devilla and her like, as being witch wannabes.)

Not ones to take no for an answer, Min and Jie "borrow'' (steal) Nishi's witch carving, get on the plane and tell del Luna that they will film BTS footage for free and do free promos in China for his film. They plead and give him the carving as a prop. Touched, he relents, thinking this will make a nice prop for Devilla to use.

The witch is a moon witch, each full moon brings out her evil powers. To prepare for the full moon, Devilla enters the Cape St. Clair Hairsalon and gets the so-called "The Devil Made Me Do It Perm,'' very popular around Halloween. The key scenes of the soon-to-be-blockbuster horror film will take place inside this very same salon.

Min and Jie visit the Cape St. Clair Hairsalon and get a haircut. Yes, they cut men's hair too. Even if Min and Jie did end up looking a little goofy in their new hairdos, they're happy to see that the salon had very good indoor lighting, suitable for their BTS shoot.

Back in China, Nishi discovers her carving is missing. She is not happy. Instantly, storm clouds form overhead.

Once film production begins, a lot of things go wrong. Weird things. Props go missing. Not Devilla's prop from China, other props, like a big, hairdresser's chair. Who steals a used hairdresser's chair? And even eerier, some things show up in the mirrors (the Cape St. Clair Hairsalon has lots of mirrors), but not in reality. The alien from Alien, the ghostly creatures from Seventh Moon, the very old possessed naked lady from The Shining, the bigfoot creature from Exists, all appear in the mirror to one crew/cast member or another. Each of these occurrences causes someone to be so scared on set that an accident occurs, either hurting someone or causing expensive damage. Another crazy thing: Crew got lost on the way to set, or their car breaks down, all too often. Then there's the biggie: actors don't show up on time, and they blame their call sheet. The assistant director even double checks the call sheets after they are printed, but some actors still get delivered incorrect call sheets. 

But not Devilla, she was always on time and prepared. No accidents for her.

Mysterious things happen to Min and Jie while making the BTS footage. They noticed that Nishi's carving has a cavity just the right size for a GoPro camera to fit in. The camera lens aligns perfectly with a hole in the carving making it seem like the carving has an eye. Their video show ghosts and creatures, or at least some unexplained images, in the mirrors but that weren't seen on set, but only for the gopro carving video. Their other cameras don't record these spirits in the mirror. For example, in one clip, Devilla disappears and on video turns into the evil spirit monster Nishang. In reality, she was there the whole time.

As the effects become more and more bizarre. Ernesto del Luna worries something is cursing his film. One weekend, there's a break in filming when Mr. del Luna goes back to Baltimore to talk to his financiers. They love the BTS footage and are paying extra to get it somehow incorporated into the script. That weekend, while del Luna is away, Devilla disappears, turns into Nishang, and brings to life the creatures from ``Altered,'' ``Seventh Moon,'' ``Lovely Molly,'' and ``Exists.'' These monsters kill everyone but Jie and Min, each dying a different but equally a gruesome death. Nishi appears to Jie and Min in a vision, then after lecturing then on the evils of disobeying elders, the stolen prop disappears and reappears in Nishi's home in China. Then the witch Nishang appears, makes some horrible noises, right there in the middle of the Cape St. Clair Hairsalon, and disappears into dust. Jie and Min pee their pants.

Ernesto del Luna returns to a destroyed set. He cries, "my film, it's gone, it's all gone. All the investors money, down the drain.'' But Jie and Min realize all their eerie BTS footage has survived. Ernesto smiles. He knows he's got a movie. He can see it all in that genius head of his. 

Once released, it makes a billion dollars in profits. Moreover, the following year, Cape St. Clair Hairsalon doubles their clientele with their Halloween season "The Devil Made Me Do It'' perm. Everyone's happy. Except Nishang.



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