Mad Professor Mu (short story 22)

Over a year ago, as an exercise, I started writing one short story a week. This was something Harlan Ellison (I think) suggested to one of his fans, his reasoning being "You can't write 52 bad short stories in a row." I'm not sure about that, but here's one of those stories.



*
One cold winter day, Mad Professor Mu sits back in his chair in his comfy den and looks at his desk covered with exam papers. ACHOO! He just manages to cover his mouth. He's alone, but he likes to be polite even at home alone. He gets a kleenex from the third drawer on the left of his desk and blows his nose. All this dusk affects his allergies. From outward appearances, it’s a disorganized desk. But to Professor Mu, every kleenex box, every paper, book, pen, pencil, and even eraser dust is where it should be. It is a microcosym of the world. Everything should be be as a result of logical cause-and-effect. He daydreams of his perfect world, where everyone’s rational, we all think about our actions and their consequences like a chess master. We all understand and respect each other, because it’s only logical - disrespect leads to unbalance and disharmony. Everyone knows what they know and what they don’t know. What they don’t know, they admit. Professor Mu would certainly admit it if there was anything he didn’t know. But, of course, in his mind, a perfect brain if there ever was one, there wasn’t. As much as he knew his humongous talents, he also knew that bragging was a form of disrespect, so to be avoided.

In his 10th year at a small liberal arts college, Mad Professor Mu finishes grading his last calculus exam.

He sets his red pen down, adds the last exam to the stack of finished ones on his desk, and sighs. But it’s not a sigh of relief as much as it’s a sigh of disgust. To avoid giving everyone an F, he lowered his standards so far below what he thinks is reasonable, that he wonders if he has any standards left at all. What is he doing to the world by passing all these students, ones he considers the weakest of any class he’s ever taught? Of course, he says this about students each class at the end of each semester, and he knows that he does, but he shudders anyway. Zoe and Zander come to mind, the morons. And they've selected electrical engineering as their majors! What audacity. The won't get admitted, not with their weak math skills they won't be, not if he has anything to do with it.

That is his world and that is when his momentary peace of mind was interrupted. RING! It’s a call from his best student, Ariel. She and Aaron were the only students who got an A. She flatters Professor Mu with news of how much the class loved him and hated the semester to end. Of course, he didn’t tell her the feeling wasn’t mutual, because, like the chess master he was, he calculated that would put and end to more flattery. “Isn’t that nice,” he says. With Professor Mu, flattery will get you brownie points. Ariel has an idea: an end of the semester party, a week after the final exam, and the party is to be held at his house. Earlier in the semester, he let it slip to Ariel that he rented a house for the semester near campus. Now he regrets that, but he has to admit that, of course, his house is the logical location. Anyone with a basic understanding of two-dimensional geometry and constrained minimization problems could see it was the optimal off-campus location for a large end-of-semester party. He had to say yes, it was the only rational decision.

The final was earlier that day. He had just a week to prepare. As if he was starting a new class, a new semester, and a new topic, Professor Mu prepared like, well you know, mad. What would they do at the party? Well, eat of course. He computed the amount of food and drink and ordered it all online. These grocery delivery apps are great, he thought. Then he thought of the entertainment. Hangman? No, he’s done that so many times before. Hide and Seek? No, too time consuming. Wink Murder? Yes!

Wink Murder is a game in which a secretly selected player, called the Killer, is able to “kill” others by winking at them, while the surviving players try to identify the killer. There is a variant with a publicly selected player, called the Detective, whose job it is to guess who the murderer is. The detective gets only three guesses. He plans to have the students select the Killer by drawing straws. However, Professor Mu will arrange the short straw to be picked by Aaron, so he’ll be the Killer. Professor Mu will select Ariel to be the Detective. He definitely didn’t want Zander or Zoe to be the Killer or the Detective. They were his worst students. Probably cheaters as well, he worried (without any evidence). Otherwise, how could they possibly qualify to be allowed into his class, the great Professor Mu?

It's the week after the final exam. Prof Mu gave a test question on diffusion equations and absorption rates on his final exam. A simple equation, which he explained over and over again. The solution is the simplest of functions, an exponential function. That test question was a “gimme,” a question so easy that it was a gift to the student. Unfortunately, that generosity was lost on every student but Aaron and Ariel, and everyone but those two got it wrong. Professor Mu knew one thing: those students must pay for not understanding diffusion rates. He has a special chemical in mind to dissolve into their bloodstream. It’s of his own invention - he calls it EverSleep. It will put them to sleep, but without the antidote, they will continue to sleep forever! Especially Zander and Zoe. He’ll bake his EverSleep doses into a cake. That will teach them to understand diffusion equations and absorption rates, the morons.

Mad Professor Mu also gave a test question on the electric force on his final exam. He bent over backwards to try to give Zoe and Zander a chance. And it had a simple solution, if you were paying attention. Again, all but Aaron and Ariel got it wrong. Professor Mu has a shocking surprise for some of those poor students who can't understand the differential equations governing electricity. While wearing a special glove of his own invention, he can deliver a deadly shock to his students, yet he feels nothing since the inside of the glove is insulated. The glove is attached to a small high-capacity battery, also of his own invention. It’s really rather ingenious, as it gathers it’s electrical charge via Wi-Fi. He'll patent it one day and make millions. Professor Mu can’t wait to see the look on Zander’s face when he shakes his hand and gives him the shock of his life! That will be the test of the battery's effectiveness. Of course, he’s only do it after Zander has his fair share of EverSleep cake.

Hours before the party is to start, Professor Mu pulls out his special glove, and charges it's Wi-Fi battery. Then he goes to the kitchen and starts to bake the cake with the special EverSleep doses. He's about to put it in the oven, his hands covered with EverSleep powder when -- ACHOO! He turns away from the cake and covers his face with his hands to catch the sneeze in his palm. He wanders to his den to get a kleenex from the third drawer on the left side of his desk when he suddenly feels drowsy. He realizes too late that he's accidentally dosed himself with his own EverSleep. He collapses in his chair.

Ariel and Aaron, accompanied by Zoe and Zander, arrive at the party early, with beer and wine. They knocked and knocked, no answer. Zander walks around to the back yard and sees Prof Mu unresponsive in his den. He tells the others then, being the most athletic of them, climbs in through a window. He discovers Professor Mu is merely asleep. But he notices the Wi-Fi battery and Professor Mu’s notebook on his experiments. He may not know a lot of mathematics but he knows a Wi-Fi battery has never been invented that small. He stuffs the battery and notebook in his jacket, then climbs back out the window.

“Professor Mu is sleeping. I think he’s tired from all the grading. Let’s party at Aaron’s,” Zander says.

“Sounds good, Zander” Aaron says. Ariel and Zoe nod.

“Zoe and I will meet over there. Ariel, can you ride with Aaron?” Zander asks.

“No problem,” Ariel says. Ariel and Aaron get in their car and take off.

Zander and Zoe get in theirs. Zander turns to Zoe. “Zoe, we are going to be very, very rich.”